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Friday, April 20, 2018

DON'T BUY THE NINTENDO LABO: What you NEED to know!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - The Nintendo Labo has released today. Don't fall for its trickery.

Today, Nintendo released their build-it-yourself-peripheral-toys-to-play-shoddy-software combination, the Nintendo Labo.

By... sheer coincidence, of course, today KoopaTV formally declares war against Nintendo Labo and urges all readers to not purchase it. Anyone who has already bought a Labo is urged to return it to your retailer and get a refund. 

Don't buy the Labo. It's as simple as that. That isn't... much of an article, so let's review what got us to this point, and why exactly the Nintendo Labo endangers the lives of you and (your?) children.

Well, okay, so far, it seems that KoopaTV's opinion towards the Nintendo Labo is one of apathy. “You do you, we'll do us, and we don't care.” That kind of attitude. Then it all changed.
Live and let live has its limits. When the Labo goes to infringe on others’ activities, that's crossing the line. We need to put a stop to the Labo before it hurts any Koopas, this site, or anything else.

As I said, we are officially declaring war on the Nintendo Labo, putting it in the same category as previous and current KoopaTV enemies such as NeoGAF (decimated), NSider 2 (gone), ISIS (decimated), the EA members behind the Madden Curse movie scandal (the movie is cancelled, and the employees are either dead or left the company), Hillary Clinton (lost the presidency, as she's still complaining about to this day), and Cappy (...this is current).

As far as I'm concerned, it looks like Cappy and the Labo have even joined forces to specifically go after Koopas. This is... a rather catastrophic combination, and we at KoopaTV will have to find some way to deal with it.

Doug Bowser Nintendo Labo tweet Bowser Jr. Cappy Robot Kit
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M AFRAID OF.
It's Nintendo Labo, a cardboard bot, AND CAPPY ON A ROYAL KOOPA!
(Plus, there isn't a comma between Play and Discover! HORRORS!)

The Nintendo Labo, and its cardboard-based minions and bots, are out to flood the Internet with FAKE NEWS promoting itself. They even got Bill Nye the Science Guy.

Bill Nye Nintendo Labo robot kit outfit toy-con scary bot
Don't be scared of Russian bots... be scared of Labo cardboard bots! They apparently have mind control, hence that thing on Bill Nye's head.
(That explains why that kid in the Robot Kit trailer with the Robot visor looks like a school shooter.)

But they're not just going for has-beens that randomly appear in Death Stranding. The Labo is specifically going after your CHILDREN. ...Or YOU, if you are a child.

The software isn't even all that fun or something you'll want to keep coming back to. Normally, that'd be enough to say an entertainment product won't have much influence over anyone, but since there is the physical cardboard component to it, then it'll have a more insidious and longer-lasting presence than a mere standalone game. Plus, the Labo can recruit seemingly innocuous cardboard to join its ranks.

The only way to keep that threat out is to never let it in. Don't. Buy. The. Labo. And don't let any hats near any cardboard.


Ludwig remembers when people thought that KoopaTV was made up of undisclosed Nintendo employees out to promote the company line. This article shows that this narrative is completely false, or it shows that KoopaTV's staffers have been fired since KoopaTV's earlier days and they are now disgruntled former employees. One of those. If you have any ideas on how to defeat a Cappy-Labo combination, KoopaTV needs to hear them. For the sake of its survival.


Cappy is next seen in the United Kingdom.
KoopaTV discovers the group that constructed TROJAN BOWSER.
There's a guest post from someone (and her BABY) who actually experienced the Labo first-hand.
Labo's next specific target? Everyone's vehicles.
What does the Labo aim to accomplish by taking the vehicles? It's their strategy.

16 comments :

  1. Today, an online site declares war on cardboard.

    In other news, hats are still dangerous.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Would you be less snarky if it was an "offline site"?

      Delete
    2. I didn't want to call you "blog" nor "publication", as I feel that is too unclassified.

      You know, all of these attacks on KoopaTV started since I was possessed.

      Delete
    3. Nah, we were a target long before that.

      ISIS was killing our staff members and terrorists in general were going after Vortexica before your possession happened.

      Delete
  2. Well I initially thought to go to the Nintendo NY Labo private event to help get me needed information on my planned parent's perspective on the Nintendo Labo guest post but thanks to this article I have an even better idea for a guest post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This reads like you didn't go to the event at all?

      Delete
    2. I typed that comment before I went to the event. Now I went to the event so now I have something to write about for a guest post.

      Delete
    3. So the idea is or ain't influenced by the event?

      Delete
    4. Maybe my article will have both ideas in it.

      Delete
    5. Well, I wouldn't know, since what these ideas are are in your head and not in mine.

      Delete
    6. The funny thing is Labo is going to sell better than ARMS.

      Delete
    7. Aw, that's cute. You get a Levity point.

      (Dunno if that's actually true.)

      Delete
    8. If it is true will I get a retroactive point for a future Loyalty Rewards Program?

      Delete
    9. ............
      ...............................

      Yeah, sure.

      Delete
  3. "One thing's clear about the Labo. There's a lot more going on than meets the eye...And this stuff isn't just for adults. Parents know this already."
    - Bill Nye the Labo Guy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Excellent synthesis abilities.

      Though I wanted to write the article without going the "Bill Nye is a social justice warrior" angle that you see in the YouTube comments for the Bill Nye Labo video.

      You see I had my chance in the article, but I chose to mention his appearance in Death Stranding instead.

      Delete

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