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Friday, December 29, 2017

Soviet Missile Run: 30-Second Advertisement Video!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Alternatively called a commercial, or a trailer.

If me simply writing that you should go play Soviet Missile Run isn't enough, then how about a whole 30-second advertisement video rendered in-engine?

Here's the script:
In a time long ago, the Soviet Union had catastrophic, world-ending power...
...Why does the world remain today? Because of the efforts from an... unlikely quadruple agent.
Platform across the continent to the Soviet Union's biggest missile factory and destroy it!
It's you versus the Soviet Union and its missile stockpiles.
Good luck!
Available exclusively and freely at!
“I should probably diffuse the missile before I die.”
Of course, that 30-second trailer doesn't even begin to cover all of the fun and drama that awaits you in Soviet Missile Run, and leaves out a number of awesome features that you'll have to discover for yourself!

Ludwig strongly encourages you to play Soviet Missile Run, though it's not like he wouldn't publish something and NOT encourage you to play it. That said, a lot of work went into it, and there is still further promotion of the game and content to be made! This advertisement video is the beginning. If you have any feedback on the trailer itself (and it's internally considered to be the best one of the five advertisement videos KoopaTV has produced for one of its games), then leave a comment here.

Thursday, December 28, 2017

Be Nice To Newbies In Multiplayer Games

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - ...It's nice to be nice to everyone all times of the year, though.

With many retailers only being profitable around a one-to-two month period of the year (from Black Friday to Christmas), it stands to reason that online multiplayer gaming environments get a big boost in new blood around this time of year.

So... how should people who have been participating in those games long before this month respond to this influx of players?

I've written before about my strong anti-smurfing stance, likening it to gun-free zones, which I'm also strongly against. (Very underrated article, by the way. Give it some comments.) Among the many things I wrote there, I said it is very important to not drive away players. But that's not really enough, is it? So, this time, I'll add this:

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Why Amtrak Shouldn't Exist

By KAMEK - Top Koopa Keep HQ Manager on a coffee-fueled holiday binge.

It’s the holiday season! Even through the recovery of the horrible tragedy of Sierra Leone earlier this year, we all continue to keep holiday hours. It keeps spirits high and gives those in need a chance to acquire the goods they need for their families.

Ludwig is hard at work and tries his best to keep his royal nap time schedule. In an experiment I’m monitoring, Rawk is mirroring a circadian rhythm with the people of Japan. In doing so he plays the Japanese RPG Xenoblade Chronicles 2 to keep his mind off the horrible consequences of destroying his natural circadian rhythm, claiming that “I've got a good rhythm going!” Vortex, our international correspondent and musical talent, is probably the only one who has kept a natural sleep schedule. Wendy is on her PC and will glance at the Discord every now and then to make sure it isn’t on fire. I, Kamek, am taking care of HQ during the holiday season. This includes monitoring security, deploying our holly jolly defense unit on unsuspecting carolers, and playing Stardew Valley late into the night (effectively ruining my own sleep schedule).

In my coffee-fueled hyperactivity, stemming from my lack of sleep and disturbed sleep schedule, my associates have had to deal with my odd musings. This one being brought on by recent news:

Amtrak shouldn’t exist.

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Playing With The Whole Staff: Should We All Get Rocket League?

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - I don't have the answers this time. If you do, please comment!

Ever since its port announcement at Nintendo's E3 2017, discussion about Rocket League in KoopaTV's internal instant-messaging platforms has accelerated. That hasn't trickled tremendously onto KoopaTV's pages, but check out staff members’ reactions in the past two live reaction logs Rocket League has been in:

Nintendo's September 13, 2017 Nintendo Direct
(6:23:39 PM) (rawkhawk2010) I've always wanted to play Rocket League.
(6:23:42 PM) (Kamek) hmmmm
(6:23:54 PM) (rawkhawk2010) Was that Samus?
(6:23:58 PM) (Vortexica) I like Rocket League but I'm bad at it.
(6:24:06 PM) Ludwig Von Koopa: Ya.
(6:24:08 PM) (Kamek) Rocket League
(6:24:16 PM) (Kamek) was alot of fun
The Game Awards 2017:
[9:37 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Rocket League.
[9:37 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: ON Switch.
[9:37 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Rated E for "Mild Lyrics" and "Users Interact"
[9:37 PM] Rawk: can you turn this music off?
[9:37 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: Since when did "Users Interact" become an ESRB thing?
[9:37 PM] Kamek: Like i said guys. Rocket league should be our go to
[9:37 PM] Wendy O. Koopa: because
[9:37 PM] Wendy O. Koopa: fapping
[9:37 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: "OUT NOW"
[9:38 PM] Kamek: W-what? @Wendy O. Koopa
[9:38 PM] Kamek: You know what. Nvm
[9:38 PM] Ludwig Von Koopa: (Do you WANT elaboration?)

...Let's just pay attention to what Kamek said there, his first line. With the power of cross-platform multiplayer (which we'll discuss in-depth in a future article), Rocket League can be the game that all of KoopaTV's staff members can play together. It can be... but should it be?

I don't know, but we are a little time-limited in our decision, so we are turning to our readers (and anyone else who wants to give their opinion) to help guide us to the correct decision, because of this: 

Monday, December 25, 2017

KoopaTV To Distribute Corporate Tax Cut Savings To All Staff Members!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Merry Christmas.

(FREETOWN, Sierra Leone, Dec. 25, 2017) Following the historic corporate tax cut passed by the United States Congress and signed by President Donald John Trump, Planet Koopa LLC is announcing that it will distribute the extra retained earnings made possible by the corporate tax cut to its employees, contributing to the popular KoopaTV brand. 

Ludwig Von Koopa, Prince of Koopa Kingdom and managing director of KoopaTV, said in a statement about the bonus, “Thank you, King Bowser Koopa! You're the greatest!”

Planet Koopa LLC has chosen in its IRS filings to be taxed as a corporation rather than a partnership.

KoopaTV, founded in May 2013, currently operates on a five-member staff and is concluding a successful 2017. The organisation is looking forward to even greater success in 2018, hot off the release of its new videogame, Soviet Missile Run.

Mr. Koopa continues, “Our employees are our greatest asset, and I am very pleased that King Dad has made the executive decision to institutionally recognise that for the year.”

The rest of Planet Koopa’s retained earnings will either be distributed to its primary shareholder, the King of Koopa Kingdom, or be reinvested into the business to fund projects, such as the KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program, KoopaTV’s reader retention program. The KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program will be giving away the equivalent value of 57.05 United States Dollars in benefits to participating readers by next week. It requires no user registration, but just a consistent identity. Readers may gain points by commenting on KoopaTV articles, submitting content and feedback, contributing to the site’s projects such as its TV Tropes pages, and more, with even more new methods starting in January’s KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program Round 18.

On-again, off-again KoopaTV staffer RawkHawk2010, upon being told of the employee bonus, stated, “I'm gonna use the bonus to start a homeless ministry in Sierra Leone for escaped farm animals and feed the sheep big-ticket earthworms.”

Planet Koopa, d.b.a. KoopaTV, serves the universe as Koopa Kingdom's communications outlet. With the KoopaTV brand, Koopa Kingdom’s message has reached hundreds of thousands of people, informing and entertaining the right people at the right time to influence change. Products include a written commentary article every weekday, video productions, artistic works, award-winning videogames, and more, within the gaming industry space. If you need more information, please contact Planet Koopa's public relations at info(at)koopatv(dot)org.

While there are no guarantees of this happening next year, if you want the possibility of joining up with such a generous organisation, then join KoopaTV's staff by clicking here!

Friday, December 22, 2017


By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - A free, browser-based platformer exclusively on KoopaTV!

We are pleased to formally announce KoopaTV's FIFTH browser-based, free Flash game: Soviet Missile Run! Soviet Missile Run is a true platforming game, taking place while the Soviet Union was still a thing. Platform on missiles as you infiltrate past Soviet soldiers to deactivate the missile factory, and cripple the Soviet Union's ability to take over the world!

Soviet Missile Run title screen 2017 flash game
Soviet Missile Run, presented by Just in time for 2017!
Here's what the title screen looks like!

You play as Varya, a quadruple agent (possibly quintuple, sextuple, or even more) born in the Soviet Union but flipped by the Central Intelligence Agency of the United States. Varya is on a mission to destroy Soviet Russia's biggest missile factory, and starts her journey fainting at the sight of a giant missile. She (and you, as the player) will have to get used to missiles very fast, since she'll be jumping on them and using them as platforms very high in the sky! There's scary Soviet soldiers, a captain with possible romantic sub-texts, and a big blue boss man in her way!

Soviet Missile Run Varya playable character protagonist title card introduction
Varya's character introduction.

Ready to get started? Well, unlike many other companies’ game announcements, but entirely like all of KoopaTV's game announcements, we have released Soviet Missile Run for your gaming pleasure. It is available RIGHT NOW, right below the page break! (Please be using a Flash-enabled device and activate Adobe Flash.)

Thursday, December 21, 2017

Need a Present for Teenagers? The Ultimate Holiday and Birthday Gift Guide

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - This is time-tested advice.

Cash is the best gift.

Cash is also amazing for gift givers. You don't have to go far to obtain it. Banks and ATMs should be everywhere, so cash is readily available AND very quick to get, which is why we feel comfortable publishing this so close to Christmas. If you don't have any money in your bank account and you're broke, well, there's a secret gift that you can give that costs nothing to obtain or enjoy. Wait for the bottom of this article for that secret tip. You otherwise have no business in an article about the best gifts if you don't have money, though.

What makes cash so powerful, you might ask? As I've tangentially written before,

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Great Progress, America! Big-League Tax Package!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - If I wasn't King Bowser Koopa's son and subject, I might be jealous of you.

It may not be the FairTax, but all things considered, the United States of America just got GREATER than it was at any point in KoopaTV's existence. President Donald John Trump has finally been delivered a substantive policy win by Congress in the form of a big-league tax bill.

We realise that a lot of American people out there get their information from the FAKE NEWS media that is obsessed over this phony Russian collusion story, so we figured, since KoopaTV dedicates substantial air time towards tax-related subjects, we'd tell you what just happened today.

The Republican Party in the Senate and House of Representatives (that's all of Congress) successfully passed the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of 2017 (formally called “Act to provide for reconciliation pursuant to titles II and V of the concurrent resolution on the budget for fiscal year 2018”), which is the first major tax initiative in the United States since before all of our readers have been alive. (Anyone here over 31?)

If you're in the United States and you work and aren't paid in cash under the table, chances are that starting in 2018, you are going to get higher take-home pay because of this bill. Every income group gets a tax reduction. The company you work for will get a major tax reduction. That means companies can spend that money on whatever they want, including bonuses for workers, hiring new people, investing in new equipment, or blowing it on corporate jets or stock buyback programs. Up to them!

Amazingly, the entire Democrat Party is against people getting tax cuts. I have no idea how you guys can keep supporting them. They justify their opposition against the bill because they are under the mathematically impossible impression that lowering people's taxes will result in a tax increase on the middle class. How can that be?

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Monster Hunter: World, Featuring Mega Man

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - So much for modernisation...

I still vividly remember seeing the T-Rex in Nintendo's E3 2017 Spotlight and thinking that it was CAPCOM's Monster Hunter: World, which they just debuted the night before during Sony's E3 2017 conference. And then Cappy appeared on top of it. At that point, it still could've been a cameo thing (which would be far from the first time that's happened) exclusive to what would be the Nintendo Switch version of Monster Hunter: World, but... it was full-blown Super Mario Odyssey and we all freaked out and subsequently forgot about Monster Hunter.

What became of Monster Hunter: World? Well, it was never announced for the Switch. After being a series that was happily carrying CAPCOM on the Nintendo 3DS and sometimes Wii U, Monster Hunter: World will be released only on the PlayStation 4, the PC, and the Xbox One, and if you're not a PC, it'll be released in January 2018. (PC version has an unknown release date.)

While we don't like “World” as a sub-title, it reflects the game's bigger worlds and worldwide release. CAPCOM wants THIS to be the Monster Hunter game that gets Westerners interested in it, though I feel like they've been saying that for the past several Monster Hunters. That's why it's not given a number at the end. I suppose, this time, for real, the team will be internally evaluated based on how well the game does in non-Japan markets. In other words, if, say, 50% of sales come from non-Japan, they'll get a bonus. ...Or they'll get their normal pay and they'll just be fired if they fail.

Perhaps that explains efforts like this: 

Monday, December 18, 2017

Marina, Stop Leading Terrible Splatfest Teams

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - We need an intervention for the Octoling Off the Hook member.

North America has gone through six Splatfests in Splatoon 2, though I won't count Cake vs. Ice Cream since it was a four-hour demo open to non-owners of the game.

Seeing as how the next Splatfest, presumably in January, COULD take place when the Nintendo Switch Online turns into an annual paid service (the time window for that is still just “2018” — is that January 1, 2018?), now would be a good turning point for Marina to either get her tentacles together, or to stop leading teams that I agree with.

To understand what I mean, observe the results of this table: 

Friday, December 15, 2017

Case Study: KoopaTV's Benefits Moving From AIM to Discord

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Transitions are hard, but worth it.

Back in October we broke the SAD! news: AOL Instant Messenger (AIM) was to be discontinued on December 15, 2017. ...Well, here we are.

AIM AOL Instant Messenger discontinued December 15 2017 network failure no Internet connection
The problem isn't my Internet connection. It's yours, buddy.
If you try to access AIM via, you'll be redirected to AOL's AIM discontinuation announcement. I'm upset about this, since AIM has been around for almost all of my Internet life and has been a loyal constant. No more. And unlike Miiverse, there wasn't a data export option for your years. AOL's advice was to just go and scroll through years of history and manually save everything.

With AIM out, we had to find an alternative. We chose Discord, and it has made a dramatically positive impact on our organisation. Check out these facts:

Thursday, December 14, 2017

Well, Would You Look At That? Yooka-Laylee Released on the Switch!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Looks like the Switch ditched the bad stigma of eight months ago.

Remember our article for Yooka-Laylee's release on the non-Nintendo consoles? We trotted out the mediocre Metacritic critic reviews, and the poor user reviews.

Then, at the end in the footer, I wrote...
Ludwig believes that the Nintendo Switch version will just conveniently never exist and that its cancellation is upcoming.”

Turns out that Yooka-Laylee on the Nintendo Switch wasn't cancelled. It was just delayed for a long time. It looks like that delay went into it being better, or Nintendo reviewers/fans really like Yooka-Laylee more than fans of other consoles:

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

UPS Held My Amiibo Hostage

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - The horrible experience I've had receiving my amiibo, from start to finish.

Today, December 13, is my birthday. As appropriate for such a horrible day, I am going to recount an awful experience I recently concluded that involves Nintendo of America and UPS, or United Parcel Service.

My aim in this story is to hopefully get this shared on the Internet to reach Nintendo's attention, and get them to switch logistics providers from UPS to, say, FedEx. UPS is a disgrace and left me extremely unsatisfied, and worst of all, as a customer of Nintendo's, I couldn't choose which shipper I wanted. I was forced into a bad experience, and were I not a dedicated loyal Nintendo fan, I would associate UPS's disaster with Nintendo's own brand and then not shop from Nintendo anymore.

Well, I certainly won't shop at Nintendo's online store anymore as long as UPS is handling it. You'll agree by the time you get to this article, but keep in mind there is a reason why UPS dropped their We Love Logistics jingle.

I've written this article in a timeline format so you can understand what happened and when. The premise is that I ordered amiibo from Nintendo, and UPS screwed it up. Big time.

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Sweaters vs. Socks Splatfest... More War on Squidmas?!


To put it mildly, discussion of sweaters or socks are unexplored discussion points on KoopaTV. But Splatoon 2 is forcing an article on Sweaters vs. Socks because of the Splatfest happening this weekend, December 16, 2017.

Splatoon 2 Splatfest Marina Octivus morning sweaters socks
Which lousy gift would you rather get? Dumb socks or an ugly sweater?

Ugly sweaters have a small history of being mentioned as an alternative to buying an Ace Attorney game on the Nintendo eShop while the eShop was closed at the end of 2013, alongside an ObamaCare premium. Otherwise, they have only been mentioned in reference to Rick Santorum's affinity for sweater-vests, or “Santorum's weird sweater fetish.” That's far from an appealing record.

Monday, December 11, 2017

Nintendo and Post Consumer Brands: Celiac Discrimination!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Oh, and today some official plumber cereal got released.

From September 1 to March 31, 2018, if you are a legal resident of the United States of America, you can buy Post Consumer Brands cereals and win a Nintendo Switch with Super Mario Odyssey! They are giving away 500 Nintendo Switch systems between over three months ago and over three months into the future. The odds of winning? Well, Nintendo's press release mentions 20,000,000 boxes the winning codes can be found in, but the Official Rules states that whatever the code in the box is doesn't matter, and what matters is WHEN you submit the code. There are 500 randomly predetermined winning times for code submission, so they are probably at 4 AM on Christmas or something.

It's apparently important to note that Nintendo is not a sponsor, co-sponsor, or administrator of the sweepstakes. Merely a partner and promoter.

Post cereal Mario Nintendo Switch Honey Comb Bunches of Oats Golden Crisp
I'm allergic to everything you see in this picture, in more ways than one.

I'm fairly concerned, as someone who has to live on a gluten-free diet, about whether or not Nintendo is discriminating against people who share my affliction. Shouldn't people with Celiac Disease be able to share in getting free Nintendo Switch products? Sure, you can buy the cereal just for a chance to win, but you'd get a better return-on-investment by just buying lottery tickets. The value comes from eating presumably-decent cereal. Is my concern warranted? I go through the details and present them for you:

Friday, December 8, 2017

*sigh* Ace Attorney Investigations: Miles Edgeworth on Mobile; Mobile Ace Attorney Sale

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - I was hoping the next time the words Ace Attorney Investigations would be in a title, the number 2 would be next to it.

Whoop-de-doo, it's another article about how an Ace Attorney game gets ported to mobile. These should become less common now, since they just ran out of games to port over.

CAPCOM has now brought over Ace Attorney Investigations: Miles Edgeworth to Android and iOS mobile trash. That's the Miles Edgeworth spin-off known for throwing cameos in for the sake of it, and for almost everyone (yours truly excluded) hating the last case.

Here, have an OBJECTION from the mobile port.

OBJECTION bubble Ace Attorney Investigations Miles Edgeworth mobile
Unfortunately for Edgeworth, right after this he got a logic penalty enforced by his own ethical standards.

There was some internal debate over whether or not KoopaTV's self-imposed mandate to write an article about every single time an Ace Attorney game is on sale by CAPCOM only covers Nintendo systems, or it covers anywhere else as well. Unfortunately for me (and I believe, for you), I lost the debate, so now introducing, the first Ace Attorney mobile sale:

Android app store Ace Attorney mobile sale CAPCOM $11.99 Apollo Justice Phoenix Wright Miles Edgeworth
Every mobile trash Ace Attorney game for $12 for an unspecified period of time.
Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Trilogy is iOS exclusive for some reason, but it appears to be $10 there.

I suggest you compare that to the CYBER DEALS going on in the Nintendo eShop until December 11. Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney — Dual Destinies is $10 there, while Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney — Spirit of Justice is $15 there. Playing on the 3DS is a significantly better experience than playing on a mobile piece of shit. However, I'd like to mention that Ace Attorney Investigations: Miles Edgeworth got on mobile trash before it got ported to the 3DS, which hasn't happened yet. It might not ever.

If you felt that this article lacks compelling content to read and you'd rather watch something related to Miles Edgeworth instead, check out this freshly harvested video brought to you by Rawk:

(...I guess he IS a farmer.)

If that's not enough content to look at, well, I doubt you read last night's reaction log (featuring over twenty pictures), and I strongly doubt you read the just-updated-before-this-was-published update in the Complete Primer on Net Neutrality and Title II Regulation article. It turns out that Google is a power-hungry hypocrite that exposes the entire fraudulent net neutrality agenda for what it really is.

Might be why they don't have the Android version of Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Trilogy yet.

Ludwig didn't use any exclamation points in this article because there is no reason to be excited over anything related to mobile trash, not even for the OBJECTION. Google owns the website infrastructure behind KoopaTV, so Ludwig should be cautious about writing bad things about them.

Here is the article about Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney — Spirit of Justice going to mobile. 
...And the article from a year ago when Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney got to mobile.
Don't forget: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney — Dual Destinies also got a mobile article.

Thursday, December 7, 2017

KoopaTV's Live Reactions to The Game Awards 2017

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - I still hate these people. I guess, to be fair, it was the best The Game Awards ever.

Continuing KoopaTV's staff's self-hatred, we are live-reacting to yet another year of Geoff Keighley's awful game industry production, The Game Awards! Now in 2017.

Joining me tonight is RawkHawk2010 (this is literally all his idea), Kamek, and Wendy O. Koopa! ...Vortex decided to sleep. Good for him. We'll task him with reading this entire log when he gets up.

This article finally has all of the screenshots in it!

As is customary for The Game Awards, viewer discretion is advised, since it's truly awful. That goes for our own readership base as well. Reader discretion is advised. Believe me.

The Game Awards 2017 content warning viewer discretion is advised
“The following program may contain content that some viewers find offensive.
Viewer discretion is advised.”
We actually have an embed of the show here so you can torture yourselves ON-DEMAND:

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Promote Fan Games, or Shut Them Down?

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Take my ideological business strategy for what it's worth.

Congratulations: Your company is a creative success, and your intellectual property has the respect and admiration of the masses. Your fanbase is expressing their love of your works by creating derivative works based off of yours and allowing others to access those. Yes, it's copyright infringement, but should you encourage it as a business strategy to keep your fans engaged without you having to lift a finger, or are your creative expressions at risk for a devaluation? Or... do you just ignore them?

A KoopaTV reader requested that I write about which approach is best when it comes to fan games:

I researched a bit on Sonic Mania and it seems to be a promoted fan game by Sega. A very different approach to Nintendo shutting down fan games. Would a comparison of these two approaches make a good article?” 

Well, it's up to you guys if this will make a good article, but sure, I'll compare SEGA (and companies like SEGA) and Nintendo's approaches towards fan games, and give you a recommendation. Since I've been on multiple sides of the issue over the years, I'll compare criteria so you can decide for yourself what is appropriate for your business.

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

European Intermission: Film vs. Book Splatfest!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Going to the essence of the mediums.

There is a new Splatoon 2 Splatfest... exclusive (so far) to Europe. It is rare that we'd care given our mostly-American audience, but I also got a request specifically to talk about this:

“Europe finally got a good Splatfest theme: Film vs Book. And seeing you like to be against books, why not write one for your audience members there?”

Splatoon 2 Europe Splatfest Film versus Book art
(I recommend not spilling that coffee on your book.)

Film vs. Book? Alright, I can write on that. However, contrary to the request's suggestion (which reads like, “seeing as how you like to be against books, why not write a book for your nonexistent European audience?”), I will, in fact, support Team Book.

Through examining the essence of the book versus the essence of the film, I have concluded that the only reasonable choice for a hardcore videogame fan such as myself is to pick Team Book. In short, it is the medium that is closer to playing a game.

Monday, December 4, 2017



Deep breath, Ludwig... you know the consultants said not to SCREAM IN ALL-CAPS to the readers. But Mega Man 11? Announced TODAY? That utterly destroys the extremely low expectations we all had for CAPCOM where we assumed that Mega Man would be rusted and dead, forever doomed to be represented by the likes of Beck plus that disgusting-looking Mega Man cartoon show that isn't canceled yet.

Early in the morning, CAPCOM held a two-hour stream for Mega Man's 30th anniversary that I didn't watch because, one, I work, and two, the last time we watched a Mega Man stream, it was kind of boring. I still haven't watched it, and I won't.

What you all really need to know, courtesy of Capcom Unity, is right here:


Friday, December 1, 2017

KoopaTV's November 2017 Review Newsletter

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Greater engagement for a better site!

We've been working really hard at KoopaTV during the month of November 2017 to really satisfy you and improve the site. I think, statistically, this is one of the most engaged time periods in KoopaTV history from a userbase standpoint, which makes me really excited as someone whose main goal is to try to foster a community around KoopaTV's amazing content. And, believe me, we ain't slouching on the content perspective. I think that'll be clear as you read this newsletter.

Of course, I wish to continue our success. You, the readers, can make or break that. We do wish to cater to you so you will feel good enough about us to be on Team Make.

Let's get some numbers on the screen:

KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program Round 17 Mid-Round Leaderboard and NEWS!

As of publishing, these are the standings for the KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program Round 17. The mid-round part indicates the round started on November 1, and it ends December 30.
  1. ShinyGirafarig — 38 points
  2. Kody B. — 31 points
  3. Charssie god — 29 points
  4. Lheticus Videre — 28 points
  5. Stray Dog — 28 points
  6. Nandin Lopez — 25 points
  7. Samantha Liennard — 23 points
You know, we could get into a scenario where there is a tie. I don't even know what happens if a tie occurs, but this is significant because, just to remind you, Round 17's prizes are $25 for first place, $12.05 for second place, $10 for third place, and $10 to a randomly-selected person based on a raffle system. (All prizes distributed via Amazon gift card code.) So even if you aren't in first, second, or third, you can win something. Plus, it's simple to get in first, second, or third, especially with big point-getting opportunities like guest posts, requests, filling out KoopaTV's fun Feedback Forms and Quizzes, and even one-time events like creating content around KoopaTV's games. ...Basically, anything on the KoopaTV Interactive Pages tab. Oh, and consistently commenting get you a long way.

This section isn't done yet, however. Note the NEWS! in the header. What could it be?

Thursday, November 30, 2017

The Complete Primer on Net Neutrality and Title II Regulation

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Fear tactics and scaremongering, sponsored by Silicon Valley.

I have a ton of requests that have come my way for me to share my complete take on “net neutrality.” This is because the Federal Communications Commission is having a vote this December 14 about it. Many people have done a fine job sharing the term around while saying it is under assault and the fate of the Internet is at stake. Significantly fewer people actually understand what is really going on. Since I'm widely seen as an intelligent thought leader on these kinds of issues, people look to me to know the truth and I've sort of been avoiding writing an article on net neutrality for years, including ignoring the issue on this site when it came to prominence in 2015.

Why? It's extremely complicated, and to properly understand net neutrality, you need to know the history of the Internet and the technical details of how it works. I am going to do just that, and then give you my analysis on the net neutrality issue at hand, the scare-tactics people use, and why those scare tactics are effective. In the process of doing that, I will apply some much-needed CRITICAL THINKING to the discussion, which is sorely lacking right now.

If I am factually incorrect on anything I am writing in this article, please let me know in the comments section. I will reward you for correcting me for misstatements in this article, and almost every other article on this site, through KoopaTV's Corrections Corner feature. (More on that in the italicised footer at the bottom of this article.)

With that said, I will start my complete primer. Hover your mouse over each heading to figure out the url anchor, so you can hyperlink to specific article sections if you desire. Also, check out the comments section, since that has pretty good discussion and elaboration of some points from this article. This article has been updated as of December 14.

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Submit Your Pocket Card Jockey Records; How To Get Good Ones!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Submission sheet created by the Pocket Card Jockey subreddit; sponsored by KoopaTV.

Do you play Pocket Card Jockey? (In a world where people made good decisions, all of your hands/paws/claws should go up.) If you're as fascinated by Pocket Card Jockey as we at KoopaTV are — and you would be fascinated by Pocket Card Jockey's deep mechanics and repeatable fun if you played it — then you probably have played it for a long time, and have participated in many of its races.

It's only $7 on the 3DS's Nintendo eShop, and there is a free demo that is representative of the game that allows you to transfer your progress to the full game.

Pocket Card Jockey times you on how fast you can complete its races, and then keeps those records in a museum. In that deep-dive article I linked in the first paragraph, all I mentioned about these records was that,
you're also timed on how long it takes to complete all of the Solitaire phases of a race if you want to try to beat your own score/Jagger's records/StreetPass records.”
They weren't a big focus for me when playing the game, and I've played it for over 130 hours now. There are a number of tactics you can do to reduce your time that would be counterproductive if you were playing the game normally, which I will get to below the fold.

BUT FIRST, I would like everyone who has Pocket Card Jockey to go to this public Google spreadsheet started by Redditor Quivico and enter in your record times, as provided by the game's museum. It's an easy sheet to figure out — each person has their column, and the five race courses have their own spreadsheet tabs. If you have any questions, let me know in the comments, since the rest of this article will be TIPS & TRICKS to getting a good record in Pocket Card Jockey.

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Nintendo Switch Wins 2017's Black Friday AND Cyber Monday

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - It also won Thanksgiving, but do people really spend their Thanksgiving buying stuff?

I haven't heard Nintendo outright winning something important for about a decade now, but according to Adobe, which is apparently in the business of market intelligence and data, the Nintendo Switch was the top selling product on Thanksgiving, Black Friday, and Cyber Monday. In the interest of being fair & balanced, we have to point out that it was beaten by Microsoft's Xbox One X on Small Business Saturday, but who cares about that day besides Linda McMahon?

Nintendo Switch Top Selling Product of Thanksgiving Black Friday Cyber Monday Adobe Digital Insights 2017
Our pictures aren't fair & balanced, though.
(What the hell is a Hatchimal, a Colleggtible, or a PJ Mask?)
Source: Adobe Digital Insights.

To answer my heading's question, it seems the times have passed by me and I haven't noticed. It seems like it was a mere two years ago that GameStop was taking a stand for family values on Thanksgiving by being closed. In 2017, however, GameStop announced early that they would be open, and they were, promoting whatever the hell a Fingerling is.

Why did GameStop abandon family values? For profit, of course. Profit selling what? Nintendo Switch consoles, according to their earnings call. Years ago, there was no blockbuster Nintendo Switch to sell and the market was in a down period. Now there is a hot item to sell, and you can see which way their value systems go. In fact, according to that earnings call,

Monday, November 27, 2017

The Miiverse Post History Has Come In! It's Interesting...

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - There are some nice goodies in here, though it's separated out.

During people's Thanksgiving dinners on November 23, Nintendo sent me an e-mail: “Ludwig: Your Miiverse post history is ready.” This is what we've been waiting for since Miiverse got discontinued a few weeks ago. After all, KoopaTV published a “Miiverse Downloading Your Post History FAQ!” for people to get all of the information they need on this. How consistent was the FAQ to what really happened?

Inside the e-mail is a unique url that leads me to downloading a .zip file to my computer, as Nintendo promised. There are instructions and interesting details:
“-Nintendo Network ID: PrinceOfKoopas
-File size: Approximately 32.2 MB
-URL expiration date: 12/31/2017

-You will not be able to download the file after the expiration date listed above.
-Please do not use a smart device to download and view the file, as the file download will only be supported on a computer.
-Depending on your post count, the file may be a few hundred MB or a few GB.
-Anyone with access to the URL listed above can access and download your post history. Please be cautious with the URL.”

They didn't mention there would be an expiration date. Also, my file size is significantly less than they promised, even though I have over 500 posts and they're almost all hand-written with screenshots. I was known on Miiverse for making very few posts despite my time spent using Miiverse (0.311 posts per day, or 2 posts a week), but how many shit-posts did people make to get that big a file size of a few GB? Especially since it didn't save your text posts as images in the .zip?

I'll tell you what was — and what was not — included in the file that Nintendo sent. Basically, they give you the assets to recreate your Miiverse profile, including some common assets, so it will look like the main draw of the post downloader: index.html. Looks like this:

Friday, November 24, 2017

Epic, Massive Nintendo eShop Cyber Deals 2017!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Featuring only... SOME Ace Attorney games on sale?

Originally, I was going to skip writing about whatever Nintendo was doing for Black Friday because it's so crappy — a Nintendo 2DS (a 2DS that is otherwise discontinued, not a New 2DS XL) with a game for $80. Awful.

But THEN Nintendo revealed their CYBER DEALS lasting until December 11, and that was a game-changer. There are significant savings for Nintendo Switch, Nintendo 3DS, and even Wii U games.

The most important part of the CYBER DEALS is that it is yet another opportunity that the Ace Attorney games are on-sale on the eShop. KoopaTV has a mandate to tell you every time this happens, so here we go:

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney — Dual Destinies is 66.67% off at $9.99, and Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney — Spirit of Justice is 50% off at $14.99.

That's it. ...Yeah, there's a game that always gets on sale when Ace Attorney games get on sale that is not on sale this time. Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Trilogy is its full $30 price. (Which is still a significant value, by the way.)

Nintendo eShop Cyber Deals Week 2017 Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney series sales
Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Trilogy is full-price, while the other games are either on sale or they literally just came out this week.

For comparison, the last time these games were on sale was the CAPCOM Summer Sale three months ago. Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney — Dual Destinies is at an ALL-TIME discount right now, 20 cents cheaper than before. Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney — Spirit of Justice is also at an ALL-TIME discount, going from an all-time high of 40% to 50%. These are both record-breaking sales for their respective game. But the question is... why isn't Trilogy on sale?

Maybe CAPCOM really is going to re-release Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Trilogy on the Nintendo Switch, and very soon. Or, they need to save some sales for the CAPCOM Winter Sale 2017! Take your bets on whether or not Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney will get a discount next month.

There are a lot of other games that are on sale that aren't Ace Attorney, so you are encouraged to check out a Nintendo eShop nearest you before December 11 and see if anything interests you.

Compare these to Nintendo's Cyber Deals 2016.
Even without any hardware deals, the Nintendo Switch dominated Black Friday and Cyber Monday.
The next Ace Attorney sale is concurrent with this one... on the mobile ecosystem.
The next eShop Ace Attorney sale happened without any promotion in February.

Thursday, November 23, 2017

This is Roxy, Signing Out of KoopaTV — For The Last Time

By ROXY - Good-bye, and thank you!

After eleven months, I have decided to leave KoopaTV. I enjoyed keeping the content of the site on the straight and narrow by doing real news and investigative journalism. The corporate social responsibility opportunities were also very rewarding!

I really learned a lot working with the staff here, and I have a much greater appreciation for birds, robots, and turtles than I did before joining KoopaTV. The staff have also said they will serve as my endorsements for future endeavors, and I have a lot of material to put on my CV. I also managed to lose quite a lot of weight being on KoopaTV's staff since I have had to sustain off instant noodles with KoopaTV's nonexistent salary.

I have become fascinated with the United Kingdom and have decided to apply as a reporter with the BBC. I don't actually have the job yet, so please wish me luck!

I'm really thankful for Roxy being a part of our wonderful KoopaTV family. She brought unique perspectives to our site's activities, being both a woman and a human. She did her part to try to add some hard-news legitimacy to KoopaTV's antics, like her E3 2017 News Round-Up after, like, over 25 live reaction logs from our zany and biased staff. She took one for the team. ...Erm, I want to specify that KoopaTV will still be a legitimate organisation after Roxy departs, as it was before she joined our staff. Anyway, there's a lot that she influenced behind the scenes at KoopaTV, including doing research on if our sources of information for our articles were true or FAKE NEWS. I just wish she got to participate in at least one live reaction log, but it's alright if that wasn't her thing, since those are all about opinions. She's like former Seminole County Associate Medical Examiner Shiping Bao: No opinions. Just the facts! That's the making of a great journalist!

Roxy is more on my mind than a goat on a hobo. She kept up with my internal polling numbers even when things went pear-shaped. She rose to the task of reporting dangerous political extremism even if she accidentally reported on the wrong event. And most importantly, Roxy abstained from implicating us in areas of sexual harassment (some call it #MeToo) even after KoopaTV subjected her to the horrific sight of John McCain and Lindsey Graham dancing naked. Thank you Roxy.

I'd like to express my appreciation to Roxy for her services to KoopaTV, especially for taking the time to investigate my disappearance. ...Not that she managed to find me. I don't know whether that reflects well on my ability to live inconspicuously or poorly on her investigative talents. Oh well, at least she tried. See ya, Rox.

Don't worry. We've put her to work.... Somewhere.

Who is Roxy?

Roxy has instilled in KoopaTV a renewed sense of truth to its levity, and KoopaTV will continue to do battle against the forces of “fake news” even after her departure. Thank you for your service to KoopaTV, Roxy!

Roxy will always live on as a KoopaTV employee in the critically-acclaimed free PC game, The Wonderful 1237.
For a more traditional Thanksgiving article from the staff, see 2016's. Roxy wasn't on the staff at this time.

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Knickers in a Twist: The Pink Underwar

By RAWKHAWK2010 - Pinkie and the Inane.

If you've been keeping up with the news, President Donald John Trump just this week issued two presidential pardons. Who for? Drumstick and Wishbone, of course! The two not-for-Thanksgiving turkeys will be living out the rest of their days at "Gobbler's Rest", which I'm pretty sure isn't a Pokémon Mystery Dungeon Friend Area. I'm also pretty sure that this Drumstick has nothing to do with the Drumstick from off of Diddy Kong Racing. The Drumstick from off of Diddy Kong Racing is a rooster. Roosters aren't turkeys. Drumstick the Rooster has his weird fleshy appendage standing on top of his head, while the pardoned Drumstick gets to have it droop from his beak like a flaccid Flying egg group penis. I THANKfully don't have to deal with any of that.

Anyway, this isn't President Donald John Trump's first presidential pardon. The first got dumped on us back in August and right in the middle of Hurricane Harvey (who the hell names a hurricane Harvey?), causing media to halt hurricane coverage so that they could talk about whatever Trump just did instead. The pardon in question was specifically a pardon of "America's Toughest Sheriff" (and human) Joe Arpeggio Arpaio after he was previously convicted on counts of criminal contempt of court.

Who exactly is Sheriff Joe Arpaio? That's what all the 20-years-old 20/20 episodes are for. A brief summary however is that he's a man who's long been the target of controversy in how he treats his dudes. He's been criticized for subjecting prisoners to 140° degree temperatures, having them subsist on 50¢ balogna sandwiches, and the most egregious punishment of all -- the pink underwear.

One guy can't even show his face.

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Monday, November 20, 2017

Taking Back My Apology: Pokémon Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon Haven't Changed Much

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - It looks like most people have finally caught up to what I was saying for half a year.

From what I can tell Lapras Paddling the Internet (what, you think I'd Mantine Surf it?), I got a lot of street credibility for apologising for my “Pokémon Ultra Sun and Pokémon Ultra Moon aren't different enough from Pokémon Sun and Pokémon Moon” position with the Team Rainbow Rocket article.

I formally take back my apology. In fact, now that Pokémon Ultra Sun and Pokémon Ultra Moon are released and everyone knows (or can know) what the game consists of, I would like to take this opportunity to GLOAT that I was RIGHT THE ENTIRE TIME and I should have never doubted myself. Though, even in my apology, I was still correct. Allow me to chronicle and quote my own spot-on brilliance from Pokémon Ultra Sun and Pokémon Ultra Moon's announcement up to this point. (This also serves as KoopaTV's way to cap off our coverage of the game.)