Troubled Turtle Tilts 'n' Tumbles into South Carolina Windshield

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - I had to give up my alliteration by the end of that headline, but I won't give up my World Turtle Day advocacy!

An innocent turtle was minding its own business on U.S. Highway 501 in the American state of South Carolina. It was near Lake Busbee, a shallow lake recently rescued from a pollutant coal plant. Decent place for a turtle to hang out.

That is, until a very dangerous and careless human truck driver collided into the poor turtle, sending the turtle flying into the car windshield operated by Mr. John Gardner, another human. The turtle instantly died. Typical evil cars.

But all the human-operated Associated Press had to offer were heartless puns like “shell shock.”

Stop Begging For Pokémon Sword and Shield News

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Unless you enjoyed the pre-release spoiling of Pokémon Sun and Pokémon Moon.

Around this time three years ago, The Pokémon Company International (TPCI) decided it would be a great idea to begin their pre-release hype for Pokémon Sun and Pokémon Moon. After the E3 2016 showcase, they basically slow-walked all of the new Alolan Pokémon and features every other week (sometimes more often than that) for the whole summer, and then up to the November release. By November's release, we basically knew everything about the game and there weren't any surprises left for the in-game experience.

KoopaTV covered it all, on the philosophy that it's not a real spoiler if it's part of the game publisher's own marketing. They want us to know this stuff. It's purposeful knowledge going into the game purchase and pre-release value. As opposed to spoilers, which are involuntary and not part of the marketing department's carefully-crafted knowledge drop schedules. The summer of 2016 will forever be known as the summer where KoopaTV subsisted on commentating on official Pokémon Sun, Pokémon Moon, and Paper Mario: Color Splash announcements and videos. Sometimes there was also commentary about the 2016 presidential election, but that was pretty much the website. I consider it a not-so-great time in our history, but maybe you enjoyed it. More power to you if you did.

And if you did enjoy it, you're probably one of those people begging for a repeat performance, this time with Pokémon Sword and Pokémon Shield instead.

Why? Why would you want that?

Phil Spencer and Games as a Unifying Force

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Some reactionaries are upset that Microsoft wants Xbox to be safe.

Yesterday, Microsoft published an op-ed in Xbox head Phil Spencer's name, entitled “Video games: A unifying force for the world”. The post outlines Microsoft's commitment to “building a safe and inclusive gaming space for everyone”. I don't really know what the impetus of the post is—Microsoft updated their Code of Conduct over a year ago and it was no big deal (contrary to reactionary hysteria). I guess I can't judge ‘em, since KoopaTV is untimely all the time.

Perhaps it was spurred by the ESA's recently released 2019 Essential Facts survey, since Microsoft indirectly cites their high-level (and misleading, especially given that Xbox doesn't have casual smartphone-player demographics) conclusions about gender and game playing. Maybe Phil Spencer got really excited about how Microsoft collaborated with the Special Olympics, especially when he wrote that, in terms of games, disabled people stand on equal footing with non-disabled people. (Sincerest good luck to the disabled in trying to play complicated games.)

The op-ed boils down to these three action items:

1. The Xbox Safety team will moderate the Xbox ecosystem, per the code of conduct/community standards
2. Club community managers and parents will be able to curate member/children experiences
3. Microsoft will share safety, security, and privacy best practices with other game industry companies

None of that is objectionable and it's really standard stuff. But some people are certainly taking it the wrong way...

Democrats on Fox News Town Halls: Buttigieg vs. Warren

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - False narrative from a fraud.

A KoopaTV exclusive: what I did on Sunday, and my thoughts on those activities:

1. Woke up in time to watch the 10 AM live news broadcast anchored by Off the Hook for the Splatoon 2 Time Travel vs. Teleportation Splatfest results. Very pleased that Team Teleportation won 0–3. Proceeded to gloat to everyone
• Teleportation had 58.66% of the popularity vote, no doubt because of KoopaTV's lobbying for it. Supposedly, Nintendo fans are supposed to be accustomed to being time travelers, so KoopaTV's arguments must have shifted quite a big percentage change!
2. Watched the Super Smash Bros. Melee top 8 for Get On My Level 2019 (GOML 2019), a premier Super Smash Bros. tournament taking place in Canada
• Axe had an amazing run with his Pikachu up-airs. Very hype
• Hungrybox hasn't been the same since the crab incident
3. Watched three Fox News Channel specials
1. Democrat 2020 presidential candidate (and mayor of South Bend, Indiana) Pete Buttigieg's town hall, hosted by Fox News host Chris Wallace
• I still don't know what his specific policies are; a lot of it was vague platitudes or Buttigieg recognising something is a problem but not quite identifying a solution for it yet
• At least he said that Democrats shouldn't shy away from suggesting how to pay for their proposals, though his suggestions seem economically dangerous
• At least I can see him as more than the “vote for me because I'm gay” meme. There's a bit more depth than that
2. Alice Johnson's story and prison reform in the United States under President Donald John Trump
• What are the chances of people having their prison sentences addressed in a fair and equitable way without having a mega-celebrity like Kim Kardashian have a personal meeting with the President of the United States about one specific person?
• Does the FIRST STEP Act take measures to standardise this process? If not, is anyone working on taking a second step? It's not reform if it's a one-off
3. Interview with President Donald John Trump with The Next Revolution's Steve Hilton 
• If President Donald John Trump is willing to call out the “military-industrial complex” and express his dismay at the foreign policy establishment's desire to have perpetual pointless overseas warfare, why did he appoint John Bolton (Iraq War mastermind) as his National Security Advisor to begin with? 

Then I slept. When I woke up, I figured I'd write about the Pete Buttigieg town hall—specifically his willingness to do the event—and contrast that with another Democrat 2020 presidential candidate, Elizabeth Warren, and her utter refusal to ever appear on Fox News.

As well as Elizabeth Warren's refusal to provide any statement to KoopaTV.

Why There Are Nintendo Switch Game Vouchers

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - I'll leave it to your personal finances and judgment to decide if you should buy the vouchers, but I'll tell you why they exist.

Buried at the end of Wednesday's Super Mario Maker 2 Direct was a tangentially-related announcement: the creation and availability of the Nintendo Switch Game Vouchers. 

Nintendo Switch Game Vouchers are a time-limited offer (ending July 31st of this year) where you can buy up to eight in pairs of two for $100 for one pair. These can be redeemed for a variety of Nintendo-published Switch titles both present and future.

Unfortunately, these aren't physical tickets.
They're digital vouchers for digital games.

Everything here is digital. That's the point. See, you need an ongoing subscription to Nintendo Switch Online (or hitch a ride on KoopaTV's staff and join our Family Group, which has rapidly dwindling open seats remaining) in order to be able to buy the Vouchers—AND you gotta still be a Nintendo Switch Online member when you redeem the Voucher. Vouchers have a life of one year, by the way.

Funny how all of that works put together...

Ace Attorney Isn't an RPG, but You Can Buy It at 50–70% off for CAPCOM Publisher Sale 2019!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Cannibalisation isn't a problem at all, apparently. Neither is advertising an accurate genre.

Are you perhaps concerned about CAPCOM's pricing tactics for their Nintendo platform presence? Do you think prices are too high for ports? Well, I'm concerned about their pricing tactics because at times, they're too low and don't make any sense. I'm citing the CAPCOM Publisher Sale happening from today to next week.

Save up to 50% on select games during the Capcom Publisher Sale!
(It's over 50% for titles on the 3DS and Wii U.)

As it applies to the Ace Attorney series, the discounts are the same set from the October 2018 Ace Attorney Franchise Sale, which is where the discounts have been over the past year in general. 70% off Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney – Dual Destinies ($9 from $30), 60% off Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney – Spirit of Justice ($12 from $30), 50% off Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney ($10 from $20) and 60% off Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Trilogy for Nintendo 3DS ($12 from $30). It's this last one I want to freak out about.

These Ace Attorney games, Ōkami HD, Mega Man titles, and many more are on sale!
Hey, Monster Hunter Generations Ultimate is at a huge 50% ($30) off!

KoopaTV's Live Reactions to the Super Mario Maker 2 Direct!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Let's see what they really want to get out of the way before E3 2019.

Bit of a preamble so you know my mindset before going into watching this Direct: I don't really like the first Super Mario Maker because I don't like the physics of 2D Mario games. My enthusiasm for Super Mario Maker 2 for the Nintendo Switch is similarly non-existent. But I know a lot of you reading this may think otherwise, and I get that there's a pretty good chance that people who read a website with “Koopa” in the name actually like these games and love the opportunity to make your own levels.

I'm on the look-out for any Koopalings making an appearance in Super Mario Maker 2, but I also figure that if I get in, I'm going to be miscoloured in the Super Mario Bros. 3 and Super Mario World level flavours. I don't like that.

If you don't like my negative preamble, then fortunately for you the other attendees on this live reaction log (Rawk, Witch Princess, Kamek, non-staffer friend Ryu) are much more enthusiastic about it than I am, so here's the embed... and keep scrolling for the reaction log!

Super Silly Superpower Splatfest: Time Travel vs. Teleportation!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - I already have a large body of work on KoopaTV about the horrors of time travel, so...

I really just want to defer to my many already-published time-related articles for this question posed by Splatoon 2 for the Splatfest taking place this Saturday, May 18:

“What superpower would you rather have? Time travel or teleportation?”

 

If you put the word “superpower” into KoopaTV's search bar, you'll get a pretty similar Splatoon 2 Splatfest from 2017 that asked “Which superpower would you choose? The power of flight? Or the power of invisibility?”

If you put the phrase “time travel” into KoopaTV's search bar, you'll get a Splatoon Splatfest from 2016 that asked, “Where would you go [between the Past and the Future] if you could travel through time?”

I'm not saying Nintendo is running out of ideas, but, you know. Eh, it's better than asking about pulp in orange juice.

Anyway, I'll go ahead and first say why time travel is a terrible idea, and then briefly give the virtues of teleportation. However, just the fact that time travel is so bad should be enough for anyone to just anti-vote it, no matter what its opponent actually is.

KoopaTV's Crabby Six-Year Anniversary

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - “Crabby KoopaTV” is redundant, which will be explained in detail in this article.

Welcome to KoopaTV! Despite the doubters and haters, today (May 12) we have turned six years old! In fact, we opened on Sunday, May 12, 2013. Now it's Sunday, May 12, 2019.

I'll be up-front about this article rather than keeping it at the end in the footer: Every year, we celebrate our anniversary in a fun, unique way. We're bad at coming up with ideas well in advance for this, partly stemming from my natural hatred of anniversaries.

RawkHawk2010 wanted me to write about crabs for the sole purpose of plugging his viral Hungrybox crab video made from Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. It's one of the most popular videos of all time in the Shared Content section online, with OVER NINE THOUSAND Yeahs! More about it at the end of the article. Obviously, that wouldn't make sense as an anniversary article all by itself, so I'm going to do what I always do on KoopaTV: go into incredible detail about the topic (crabs and Koopas) and convince you that this was well-planned from the very beginning!

Millennial Males Only Demographic Where Majority Play Non-Casual Console Games

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Guess that's KoopaTV's target demographic.

Everyone's favourite videogame lobby group, the Entertainment Software Association (ESA), released their newest demographic report on the United States game industry: 2019 Essential Facts About the Computer and Video Game Industry. (It's available for free!) To clarify, the essential facts are dated for the year 2019. There aren't 2019 essential facts in it. It's only 20 pages long, after all, and most of the information is presented in infographic-style pictures.

As the ESA has been doing for many years, their number one priority is to spin their demographic data to try and break the stereotype that gamers are mostly young males. Their number two priority is to demonstrate that parents know what their kids are doing when they play and that they have the kids under control. And their number three priority appears to be showing that gamers are well-adjusted individuals and not just locked in their room staring at a monitor all day and night.

So their top-line executive summary figures are that there's a 54–46% male–female split, 90% of parents pay attention to their kids’ play, and gamers are slightly more likely than the average American to have a creative hobby, such as writing.

But then you dig into the details of those numbers and it's clear that they continue to have a much broader definition of gamer than what the general people associate with being a gamer... and the stereotype is still true if you exclude casual smartphone play.