KoopaTV lived a truth & levity approach to the videogame industry for ten years. Unfortunately, the Internet's best website is no longer producing new content.
Please enjoy our historical content archive regardless.
Well, I'm sure y'all are dying to know about my adventures, so apologies to write this article so late at night (but that's sorta been the case with every article this week). I was... busy playing Splatoon, you see.
So I go to Best Buy and I don't immediately go to Store Pick-Up, because my copy is gonna stay there until June 6. No, I go to the Nintendo section... to the amiibo. Here's what I saw.
It's unclear which revenue stream will give Nintendo the most money tomorrow.
I'll be picking up Splatoon (I pre-ordered it) at Best Buy tomorrow. Same one I keep referencing throughout KoopaTV, and the same one that I tried to get the Little Mac amiibo from, failing more than once. So for tomorrow, I want to buy the three-pack set of Inkling Boy, Inkling Girl, and Squid. That way, I can have kids and squids! I don't have that pre-ordered or any amiibo pre-ordered, yet I still want 'em.
I want the Jigglypuff amiibo too but that's exclusive to Target, which I don't have access to.
By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Oh yes I did! It just sucks, but I built it!
According to President Barack Hussein Obama, I didn't build KoopaTV. Somebody else made that happen. And I guess it's true, since we have a whole staff working at KoopaTV and the website design and server is outsourced to Google.
But you know what I built brick by brick, coil by coil? The KoopaTV stage in Super Smash Bros. For Wii U.
As I mentioned in my #IStandWithPhils article, we at KoopaTV have a healthy respect for a man by the name of Phil Spencer. Not just any man by the name of Phil Spencer (since there are at least two), but the recently-appointed new Head of Xbox who has made an earnest effort to get Rare and its IPs back on the right track. And the same Phil Spencer who, just last month, expressed his desire (or unusually-enthusiastic compliance) of seeing everyone's favorite hillbilly bear in Smash.
#IStandWithPhil
Of course, this immediately opened up the #BanjoForSmash floodgates since the Smash Bros. Fighter Ballot was announced just two days prior. And with Conker's Big Reunion
having shown the world that it's never too late for a Rare character to
resurface, this development been viewed by many as a
dream-already-come-true, where they will at long last be reunited with
the classic Banjo of their childhood.
By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - We miss 'em dearly. Rest in peace.
You all know that Koopa Kingdom is involved in a lot of stuff. You know our propaganda arm (KoopaTV), and I'm sure you're all aware of our universe-renowned military might that can even destroy the United States if we chose to. And y'all know our lovable royal family, and you know I'm a member of that. (As the most lovable.)
However, the guys we love the most are our servicemen and servicewomen Koopa Troopas, who work hard to implement everything that Koopa Kingdom sets out to do. These loyal, magnificent, shelled soldiers put kingdom first and we would like to thank them for their hard work and dedication. We can all learn from them.
Unfortunately, it appears that quite a few Koopa Troopas have made the ultimate sacrifice. These include KoopaTV's spokesturtles, Devin and Claira, and the countless Koopa Troopas that have went above and beyond the call of duty to protect Koopa Kingdom from enemies foreign and domestic. We would like to tell you what happened today and designate this day a Memorial Day.
By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Ready for round 4 of the Splatoon Global Testfire?
Public service announcement: The Splatoon Global Testfire will continue, for the last time, tomorrow (SATURDAY, May 23) at 3 PM Pacific, 6 PM Eastern. For one hour.
If you want my impressions of the first three hours of the Splatoon Global Testfire, check 'em out here.
Anyway, I'm totally caught up in Splatoon hype, so you can see my avatar is Squidwig. I'm A SQUID NOW. ...I'M A KID NOW. That's from a Nintendo commercial that you can check out here. It's important you're familiar with it since that's what the rest of this article is based off of!
A lot of people dislike the commercial for unknown reasons, to the point that Nintendo disabled comments on the video. (Comments are still available on the other Splatoon video materials on their YouTube channel.) I personally love it.
So I made three different versions of it, found below the page break!
The first debate is with Fox News on August 6, and the second is with CNN on September 16. Here's the thing though... While there are six officially-declared candidates now (Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, Ben Carson, Carly Fiorina, Mike Huckabee), that number is apparently expected to jump to sixteen by the first debate. There are some unannounced heavy-hitters in the wings, like Jeb Bush (aka the Democrat's choice to win) and Wisconsin governor Scott Walker.
Basically, the field is going to get crowded very quickly. Reminder that four years ago in 2011, the traditional set of eight candidates we got used to (nine if you count Gary Johnson) was just that... eight. That's half of sixteen, and what happened with those eight was that everyone not named Mitt Romney or Ron Paul got to take turns becoming the anti-Romney candidate, with Americans slowly learning about all the candidates as they got their momentary spotlight.
The press release (linked there) is littered with references regarding that his last name is pretty familiar to KoopaTV's readers (and especially to me and my family) but I'd like to point out some even more important things to note.
"Bowser comes to Nintendo from Electronic Arts, where he has worked since
2007, most recently as Vice President of Global Business Planning, a
role that made him responsible for EA’s console, PC and mobile game
forecasting."
He's from Electronic Arts, and Nintendo just poached him. This means that he has all of the baggage of EA with him. Will he infect Nintendo with it? There's more things to note, too:
"Bowser will report to Scott Moffitt, Nintendo of America’s Executive
Vice President of Sales & Marketing."
By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Nintendo used the word "local", and we give it the scare-quotes it deserves.
As KoopaTV previously reported, Nintendoof America has revived the "Nintendo World Championships" from 25 years ago at participating Best Buys. The qualifiers are May 30. We now know where those are and what games are involved.
So what are the games as part of Ultimate NES Remix? Well, Championship Mode, which includes Super Mario Bros., Super Mario Bros. 3, and Dr. Mario.
So instead of showing favouritism to display-friendly Wii U games, Nintendo just shifted their favouritism to be to EXCLUSIVELY Mario games. This is on top of Mario Maker at Best Buy a few weeks later. You know, what no one will wanna show up for. But that's not the worst part.
By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - These so-called journalists should slow down and get the facts right.
In the old days of journalism, journalists cared about getting the facts right. They asked questions that needed to be answered for the report to go through:
And then... editorialists and people with an agenda added "Why?". Journalism as a field was twisted and facts took a backseat to opinions. Horrible websites like KoopaTV were created focusing on this "Why?", with other questions left unanswered, uninvestigated, or deemed unimportant. This has been going on long enough.
Now look at journalism today. Very sickening. As a product of our toxic culture, so-called videogame journalists have sprung up out of their basements trying to be the first one to cover the story. Of course, the first one to rush into a story is the first one to get it wrong. Beware anyone whose mission is to get you the news first. Examples to follow after the page break, so be sure to read on for more.
By VORTEXICA - Good times were had by all, except by those who lost.
Hello again KoopaTV viewers!
As some of you may be aware, here in Foggy Albion there's been much hullabaloo over the past few weeks over a monumental decision to be made. There was much speculation, analysis, and the question on everyone's lips was that of who would succeed to one of the most prestigious positions in the land...
Just who will replace Jeremy Clarkson on Top Gear?
Okay, not really. That might actually make for an interesting article. People are likely far more interested in what'll become of Top Gear now that Clarkson's gone than what the UK's next government will look like. Yep, that's right. We've just had an election.
Nintendo World Championships (after a 25-year hiatus).
Qualifiers May 30 at participating Best Buy retailers. Participating ones are unknown, but they'll be in major cities. You probably know if you're near one of those. Anticipate Los Angeles, San Francisco, Seattle, New York, one or two in Texas, and a southern Florida city wrongly representing the entire Southeastern United States. Update May 19: Information on the qualifiers here.
The actual champion event round on June 14 that no one reading this will participate in, but you can watch it on Nintendo's Twitch channel.
By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Ludwig maintains that Splatoon is incredible.
Did you play Nintendo's Splatoon over the weekend? If you have a Wii U and you didn't try it even once, you're either totally unaware of what's going on with Nintendo (meaning you haven't been reading KoopaTV since we made sure you knew about it), you don't have a stable Internet connection, you're a bad person, or you work or something on Saturdays (which the Lord specifically said not to do).
But for the rest of us, the Splatoon Global Testfire was amazing. AND I played all three times! And I want more. So does everyone else. But I'll have to wait until May 29th at the earliest, since that's when the game comes out and it's unlikely Nintendo will have further demos.
Why did Nintendo have this Testfire and why set it up like this? Nintendo did what a lot of other companies already do: They wanted to conduct a stress-test for their servers and double it as a marketing stunt. And by my experience, the stress-test succeeded. However, they needed to test it at all points in the day, hence why there were three tests: One for each part of the world (North America, Europe, Japan) separated by 7 hours. With the test itself being 1 hour, that's all 24 hours covered.
They also needed the test to be concentrated and stacked with a ton of people, so they had a very limited one-hour time period. If it was three hours or the whole weekend then people might not have been so eager to play at the first minute the test opened until the last minute for it to close.
By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Shocking your shell and tossing it to hell. (And then getting arrested for streaking.)
I am very proud to announce that, today, May 12 2015, KoopaTV is now two years old. Proof right here.
On behalf of KoopaTV's staff, whether or not you've been following us from the beginning or you've recently started, we would like to thank you for all the joy you have given us these past two years.
And RawkHawk2010, in the words of Barack Hussein Obama, would like to say "#FourMoreYears". Amen to that. Vortexica would like to say, "We need our own domain name already." ...Yeah, probably. And Kamek proclaimed a few days ago, "We are not only journalists; we are people." (His personhood is taken to extremes as will be explained later this article.)
*confetti*
I don't really need to explain what's happened over the past year. I mean, we have an About page with a timeline for that. But RawkHawk2010 has provided an audiovisual aid. It's not entirely in chronological order and isn't exhaustive, but it gives you a sense of just some of our original content over the past year.
...Uh... So I'm obviously Ludwig. Rawk is that nasty Mii (it's supposed to look like his hawkish physique). Vortexica is represented by Waluigi because, uh, he's showing his solidarity with Nigel Farage and UKIP after last week's election even though a KoopaTV staff photo-op was a totally inappropriate time to do so. (At least, that's what I think. Vortexica probably will give an explanation and analysis later this week or sometime shortly after.) And lastly, there is Kamek who removed his robe and looks like a normal Koopa Troopa. Then he Shell Tossed his shell and got arrested for streaking. (King Dad's municipality has some strict rules on moral behaviour. I'd say I was raised right.) Dude is totally unreliable with staying outta trouble, but I guess I'll keep him on the staff anyway.
What is reliable about KoopaTV is our strong reputation, delivery, and execution of premium and free quality original content imbued with truth and levity. And this whole past year, we've consistently published that content every weekday to keep you coming back for more. And we hope you keep coming back, 'cause we got new ideas and more content in the figurative Paratroopa's wings.
KoopaTV, of course, represents a greater movement. (Or maybe the whole movement is just us, I dunno.) Taking our videogame industry back from all the bad stuff that has been plaguing it. Fortunately, it's not all misery on KoopaTV, 'cause we sure as heck like to poke fun at the news and other events. We're one-of-a-kind and try to innovate everything we do.
Anyway, if you're a long-time KoopaTV player, you already know all that. And since you're a player and not just a viewer or reader, you'll wanna participate. That's where the KoopaTV Loyalty Program comes in, and is a great way to get your skin in the game.
It's better to keep that skin in the game rather than streak it all over Neo Bowser City.
KoopaTV hopes to continue on indefinitely and reach bigger and better heights than ever before. With your help, KoopaTV can reach that! Share KoopaTV to everyone you know, and pat yourself on the shell for helping start-up a revolution. KoopaTV couldn't do it without you.
So a lot of these news sources get their clicks by saying there was another Zimmerman shooting, and the details talk about how he was the one being shot at. Well, we'll lay it up straight after doing research on the suspect and listening to the Lake Mary police's live conference.
Update later in the day: We said screw privacy and just gave the suspect's name in full.
Zimmerman being taken inside a firetruck masquerading as the ambulance.
A company out of Los Angeles, California, Skaldic Games, recently caused a huge controversy over a game they tried to release on Valve's Steam Greenlight. Very controversial, and as such, we would like to issue a content warning for our younger audience concerning language. Hence the title-censorship that is sure to kill the search engine optimisation for the article.
"Skaldic Games is an independent video game developer from the Los
Angeles area. We try to bring to life new games and apps with unique
ideas."
Well, we definitely like new games with unique ideas.
The idea in question? Release a game called Kill the Faggot for free on Steam. You are tasked with shooting gays and trannies running across the screen while avoiding shooting normal people. This got instantaneous outrage and Valve deleted it.
We wanna show you what we mean, but unfortunately, the YouTube video provided by Skaldic Games showing gameplay footage got deleted by YouTube for violating its Terms of Service.
By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - You like nostalgia? You stay there. Forever.
The Virtual Console was one of the Wii's selling points: Nintendo's whole back catalogue available for you to buy (with a great discounted price, too). This means we can finally play great cult games like EarthBound and buy 'em on-demand (which didn't actually happen until the Wii U came out). While there have been terrible releases on the Virtual Console (made worse with its drip-feed release schedule), overall, porting these old games to the new consoles is a net positive. The Virtual Console allows people to relive games or play 'em for the first time to allow them to get into new franchises, or even teach the young'ns what real gaming is all about.
By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - The criminal history of the for-glory superstar.
With boxing still fresh on everyone's mind lately (the Manny Pacquiao vs. Floyd Mayweather boxing match brought out a lot of closet boxing fans), we'd like to note KoopaTV's special relationship with the Punch-Out!! series. We dedicated a full week of articles towards it and topped that off with the release of a whole videogame, Trayvon Tyson's Punch-Out!!, playable here. You can also watch a Let's Play of it here.
With those advertisements and that prefacing out of the way, we haven't talked a whole lot about the man who helped the game sell so well in America and gave it its unique fanbase: Mike Tyson himself. Mike Tyson was the famous heavyweight boxer who got into a ton of controversy because of his personal choices both in and out of the ring. A lot of that controversy came from his nature to commit acts of bad behaviour. While the Tyson star power helped sell Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! and made Nintendo millions of bucks, there was and still is an inherent ethical problem in branding it with the Mike Tyson name that will forever leave a very dark mark on Nintendo's history.
Darker than the black eye this dude got from Tyson.
By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - April showers? Well, it was a success.
Did you know that April 2015 was KoopaTV's most-heavily-trafficked month in our history? I wanna hear from you, dear reader/viewer/player... did you experience traffic jams? Are they worse than Atlanta's or are they still pretty smooth?
Either way, the KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program is in full swing! The first round is extra long for some reason, so Round 1 is ending 11:59 PM EST on May 30. As of publishing, your top candidates for winning prizes (top 3 = win something) are as follows:
Martino X — 36 points
Samantha Lienhard — 30 points
Jareditton — 20 points
Ringabel Brave — 19 points
Anthony Shaffer & Sam — 9 points each
And then there's everyone else below that. That said, it's absolutely still entirely mathematically possible for someone to enter starting today and win the contest (first place). In fact, it's not only possible, but practical. You can get up to three points per day just by making one awesome comment per day on any KoopaTV article. (Read the rules for full details and other ways to earn points.) You can end this with over 70 points and dominate first place. Just sayin'.
We have over 500 articles published, so finding interesting stuff to comment on isn't hard at all! That's because KoopaTV turns two years old in May!
You can also make determinations on our top five recommended articles every month. The following is a chronologically-ordered list of articles published during April 2015! Read and experience these for sure!
There are a lot of other articles from this month that didn't make it to that list, and it's obvious why: KoopaTV is big on article quality, so everything is worth reading.
So with our second anniversary coming up next week, you better believe we're committed to bringing you truth and levity every weekday!
By RAWKHAWK2010 - Mayday! Mayday! They're running out of stretch goals!
April showers bring May flowers, as the saying goes. The past month has been filled with earthquakes, riots, Tax Day, and all manners of other catastrophe, but May has arrived and it seems to be off to a pretty good start. One marked by the full reveal of Playtonic Games' Yooka-Laylee.
Meet Yooka and Laylee!
(In no way related to failed homework project "Ukulele Pinball", or at least we hope not.)
By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - The trip to Best Buy, as promised.
