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Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Doug Bowser — New VP of Sales — Some Suspicious Things...

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Hm... what could it be that's so suspicious?

Looks like Nintendo of America is making new hires. They just hired a dude named "Doug Bowser" to be the Vice President of Sales.

The press release (linked there) is littered with references regarding that his last name is pretty familiar to KoopaTV's readers (and especially to me and my family) but I'd like to point out some even more important things to note.
"Bowser comes to Nintendo from Electronic Arts, where he has worked since 2007, most recently as Vice President of Global Business Planning, a role that made him responsible for EA’s console, PC and mobile game forecasting."
He's from Electronic Arts, and Nintendo just poached him. This means that he has all of the baggage of EA with him. Will he infect Nintendo with it? There's more things to note, too:
"Bowser will report to Scott Moffitt, Nintendo of America’s Executive Vice President of Sales & Marketing."
This is the scariest thing of all. See below.

Scott Moffitt Doug Bowser Nintendo of America photo comparison executive vice president of sales
Left: Scott Moffitt. Right: Doug Bowser.

They're the same dude. Like... look at them. They're the SAME PERSON.

To respond to this allegation, Doug Bowser took the following picture:

Besides the welcome being warm from fire-breath, the most important part of the picture is the top-left. Let's zoom in. (2019 note: We created this picture. Anyone else who is using this exact one is a thief.)

Doug Bowser Mario Bros. Brothers tied up GameCube cord Nintendo bondage Luigi
We really like this guy's style.

As you can see, Doug Bowser uses the best Nintendo controller (GameCube) to tie up the worst Nintendo villains (the Mario Brothers). I guess we can overlook his EA roots, and it does seem to differentiate him from Moffitt. This is, of course, why corded controllers are better than wireless ones. (Some people will give other reasons like batteries or lagless tournament play, but those have nothin' on this.)

Oh, did you know that the Super Smash Bros. For Wii U-branded GameCube controllers have an even longer cord? It's like, 9 feet now instead of 6.5 feet. You could use that for anything, like a whip, ties (as seen above), or a grappling hook. I'm a fan of all of those, personally. Doug Bowser apparently is as well.

The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker HD Grappling Hook Medli
You can use the cord both for freedom and for bondage.
Best controller ever.

So yeah, let's hope Doug Bowser ties up those Mario Brothers and puts 'em in a closet, and focus on selling some other stuff. Like properly supplying amiibo (no one buys Mario amiibo). He can start after the Mario-overloaded Nintendo World Championship qualifiers.

Good luck, Doug. Don't get confused around the office for Moffitt, okay?

Ludwig's dad is also named Bowser, in case you didn't realise. Follow Ludwig at NNID PrinceOfKoopas on Miiverse! Ludwig got a request to write about some kinky things later, so consider this a small preview.

For a significantly more entertaining article about a dude named Bowser, click here.
Ludwig fills out that kinky things request HERE!
Doug Bowser becomes even more prominent after he gets a big, big promotion as President of Nintendo of America.


  1. Replies
    1. Rawk please don't set a bad example for commenters.

    2. Rawk said that because Doug Bowser graduated from the University of Utah.

      That doesn't mean that he's a Mormon.

  2. Replies
    1. I apologise that my colleague was a bad role model for you.

  3. Thanks for this report Ludwig. Given Doug's series of questionable moves recently i.e canceling tournaments up the wazoo that if done even remotely could lift people's spirits and ending support for the etika mental health charity Doug's acting more like daddy then even daddy himself would be comfortable with

    1. I mean, I've written more recent stuff about Doug Bowser than this 2015 article. He's not even president when this was written...!

      Anyway, it's unlikely that Doug is personally calling the shots on the decisions you cite, and those are also quite exaggerated on your part...

      So I approve his actions, much like I approve of King Dad's.


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