KoopaTV Live Reactions: SOTU 2017

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Technically called a Joint Session of Congress.

President Donald John Trump is a nasty man. He's responsible for KoopaTV going from five articles a week to three... However, like his predecessor, whom I won't name here, he is forcing KoopaTV, as a television network, to carry his speech to a Joint Session of Congress. All of the television stations are doing it by mandate.

In previous years, we called this the State of the Union, but the President insists that it's not one of those. In the spirit of his election opponent, we'll ask, “What difference, at this point, does it make?”

Either way, we're live-reacting to it (because we HAVE to, despite the great costs and no benefits it gives to us), and like previous years, it's the President talking with the Vice President (Mike Pence) and the Speaker of the House (Paul Ryan) sitting behind him. 

I'm Nintendork 13 13, and RawkHawk2010 is RawkHawk2010. Here are our live reactions: 

Joe Darke Partly Exonerated; SL-9 Incident Settled

By ROXY - Serial killer is still a serial killer; Police Chief a murderer.

(LOS ANGELES, California) The horrific SL-9 Incident was thought to be resolved two years ago. KoopaTV reported on the details with an exclusive interview with then-Deputy Chief of the Los Angeles Police Department, Damon Gant. The SL-9 Incident was a serial murder where businessman Joe Darke killed several people, was arrested, escaped, and then killed a prosecutor (Neil Marshall) before finally being brought to justice for all of those crimes.

Joe Darke was given the death penalty two years ago,
thanks to Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth and then-Detective Lana Skye.

 
However, on February 21, 2017, the head detective from the SL-9 case, Bruce Goodman, was murdered in the police department's evidence room. Chief Prosecutor Lana Skye, 29, was arrested for the murder, believed to have murdered Detective Goodman in the parking lot of the Prosecutor's Office.

Lana Skye's younger sister, Ema Skye, 16, consulted Phoenix Wright, a defense attorney growing in fame and notoriety across the Los Angeles area, to defend her sister. Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth, who was also the prosecutor of the Joe Darke killings two years ago, was selected to prosecute his boss in court.

However, it soon became clear in the three-day court trial, lasting from February 22 to February 25, 2017, that everyone involved in Detective Goodman's death was also involved in the SL-9 Incident two years ago, and the detectives involved in the SL-9 Incident believed it was not truly resolved. 

More Customisable Miis: Too Little, Too Late

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - There's no longer a point in having Miis on the Nintendo Switch.

Just as the Wii era of Nintendo is ending (Wii + Wii U), and the Mii player avatars with it, the Nintendo Switch introduces additional Mii customisation options, including hair colour. Disreputable source Eurogamer has dedicated a whole (short) article to the fact that you can now give blue (and every other colour) hair to Miis in the Nintendo Switch's Mii Maker. That's a new feature!

Reminder that Mii creation is now optional on the Nintendo Switch, and with Miiverse not returning, this makes Miis close-to-useless. They can still be used as an option to represent your profile image on your Switch (along with a set amount of pictures of a few first party Nintendo characters, including King Bowser), and also on games that include Miis, like Mario Kart 8 Deluxe likely will. A Super Smash Bros. on the Nintendo Switch won't just cut Miis out, so Mark Block can still be in games. That's about it.

With blue hair options, one no longer has to make disastrous attempts at Ludwig Von Koopa Mii creation that end up resembling Guzma. But... now, one no longer has any reason to attempt to make a Ludwig Von Koopa Mii — disastrous or otherwise.

Wanna see what Ludwig looks like?
Here he is in Mii form—it's your boy Guzma!

Fortunately, there are a lot of upsides to Miis being dramatically reduced in importance.

Pocket Card Jockey: Mysteriously Satisfying Mechanics

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - We treated knowing how game mechanics work as spoilers.

I have been meaning to write this for a very long time, but never found a good opportunity. Today, as the first article of KoopaTV's new Wonderful Wednesday series, I'm going to write the Pocket Card Jockey article, as it's been referred to in KoopaTV's internal staff communications for months on end.

One article. Covering every thought we have about Pocket Card Jockey, an absolutely wonderful game developed by Game Freak and published by Nintendo. It's a Nintendo eShop exclusive on the Nintendo 3DS, purchasable here for $7.

Why are we so enamoured and fascinated by Pocket Card Jockey that I have over 123 hours logged on my Activity Log and play it deep into the night? Meanwhile, RawkHawk2010's Activity Log claims he's at over 264 hours, but his log was hacked by the Russians or something.

Pocket Card Jockey to me is the equivalent to how a kid wants to disassemble a model car to see how it works... or a bomb-clock. It is a completely new gameplay system that I've never encountered before. This isn't a gimmicky twist to an established gameplay system like Paper Mario: Color Splash is to a traditional RPG turn-based battle system. This is brand new, and that was exciting to me when I picked it up.

Pocket Card Jockey, to its detriment (or perhaps credit), does an absolutely dreadful job of explaining its gameplay systems to the player. It opens up with a very long tutorial/monologue by Horse-Off-Course, and he occasionally shows up to talk more. Besides that, there is a Tips section and a digital instruction manual, which is basically the Tips section but with beta elements (or they're so rare I've never seen them) included for some reason.

What is defined as a tight right turn and how do you do one?
Questions like that are everywhere for Pocket Card Jockey.

Celebrate Presidents Day by Playing The Wonderful 1237!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - It's exactly the game for the occasion.

Isn't today nice? It's “President’s Day”, ”Presidents’ Day”, “George Washington’s Birthday”, or maybe even “Presidents Day”. ...Depends on where you are. 

Today is supposed to celebrate either George Washington, or any and/or every president of the United States. No one really knows for sure — but that doesn't stop many jurisdictions from having the day off. Great! Long weekends are fantastic. No matter how you look at it, today is about celebrating some kind of successful American winner.

Either way, today is not an appreciation day for non-presidents of the United States. (Sorry, Tatsumi Kimishima.) But if there is a current president of the United States that you do not like, and you don't want to honour him, what will you do? Will you scream NOT MY PRESIDENT out in the streets in protest? Perhaps you would rather scream over Twitter?

Well, if you really want to stay indoors today and feel passive-aggressive towards President Donald J. Trump, wishing that the Republican Party picked someone else to begin with, then KoopaTV has the videogame for you. It's called The Wonderful 1237, and you can play it on your Flash-enabled browser right here on KoopaTV!

Pokémon GO Desperately Clings to Relevancy With Johto Pokémon

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - NOW I'm willing to write Pokémon GO stories...

Yesterday was Nintendo eShop day in North America, with the release of Tank Troopers, which Nintendo sent a push notification about to every Nintendo 3DS opted in. Tank Troopers was briefly mentioned in a Nintendo Direct last year. It's a multiplayer-focused game with local multiplayer only.

Clearly, nothing important came out yesterday... that is, only if you look on the Nintendo eShop. Over in MOBILE land, best-selling Pokémon GO released a long-awaited content update: Johto Pokémon!

You wouldn't know it if you went to the official website ran by The Pokémon Company International, though. Their latest news is still the game's release back in September:

If you want to read those Pokémon GO Safety Tips with added KoopaTV commentary, click here.

Niantic still cares, though, even if their licensing partner apparently does not. They've even created this new video to promote the new Johto Pokémon and Johto accessories:

Committing to DLC in The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Value is subjective, so if you think differently...

Honestly, I didn't expect that Nintendo would actually put non-amiibo downloadable content (DLC) into The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. No other The Legend of Zelda game (besides Hyrule Warriors, but that doesn't have The Legend of Zelda in the title for a reason) has paid-for DLC. This is a series that has prided itself on releasing complete, high-quality games while blazing its own trail, not following someone else's. It's an exemplary flagship series of a company that used to pride itself on releasing complete, high-quality games while blazing its own trail.

Now none of that is true anymore, and let's even pretend that The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild isn't derivative of Skyrim.

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild has a predatory “Expansion Pass”, as explained by producer Eiji Aonuma in video immediately below and in text here if you click (just remember to come back to KoopaTV).

$20 for two content packs (available for both Wii U and Nintendo Switch versions — more on which to get here) that you may not purchase individually. To clarify, that means the only thing up for sale is the Expansion Pass, which pre-purchases DLC Pack 1 and DLC Pack 2, and also gives you immediate bonuses. Let's examine their contents in detail.

Introducing the (First?) Splatoon 2 Global Testfire?!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Teasing a server test on an unreleased system.

I hope you remember the Splatoon Global Testfire! This series of server stress-tests, or limited-time Splatoon free demo opportunities, ran just before Splatoon's May 2015 release all the way to the end of August 2016, for eleven total sessions. It was only supposed to be three sessions, but it got extended for several “final” testfires. You could take it as an illustrative lesson of “Don't take Nintendo promises seriously.”

However, what does appear to be serious is that Splatoon's sequel, Splatoon 2 (originally revealed in the still-super-important Nintendo Switch Presentation from a month ago) will be continuing the Global Testfire series for at least one collection of SIX rounds! Here's the trailer from the Squid Research Lab:

Note that they say “One weekend only!” I strongly doubt it will just be one weekend, based on past behaviour on the part of the Squid Research Lab. They'll have more Testfires, especially as more people actually buy a Nintendo Switch.

Let's talk about that, actually.

Many New Pokémon, or Mixing New & Old?

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Which is the better approach that Game Freak should take?

The Alola region: Four islands that are filled with influences from other cultures, coming together to form its own, very unique culture.

Alola has a lot of influence from people who came from Kanto & Johto: Heahea City of the Akala Island is specifically stated to be founded by trainers from Kanto and Johto, while Malie City of Ula'Ula Island has its designs and Garden modeled from Kanto and Johto as well, even including its own Nugget Bridge.

Many of Alola's Pokémon are native and exclusive to that region, while many others have been imported in (such as Yungoos... but we don't know where he's originally from) and have adapted over time to the Alolan region, changing their characteristics, looks, moves, and typing. Clearly, settlers from Kanto and Johto have had a huge impact on Alola's ecology — it's no coincidence that all of the so-called Alolan formes are Pokémon native to the Kanto region.

That said, there are plenty of Pokémon from the other regions also in Alola, yet only Kanto Pokémon get Alolan formes. Maybe it is commentary on how weird and gross the Kanto region is (featuring Grimer in the water, along with a massive percentage of Poison types) compared to how... natural and pristine the Alolan islands are, so Pokémon from Kanto in particular need to shift.

However, this article is supposed to be about the “plenty of Pokémon from the other regions also in Alola” part. The actual number of new Alolan Pokémon is at an anemic 80; with only 62 non-legendary Pokémon/not-a-non-Pokémon. The number of Pokémon encounterable in the wild is an even smaller number. By comparison, I apologised to the whole KoopaTV audience when Kalos only had 70 new Pokémon.

KoopaTV Could Face Legal Action Right About Now

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Or... we might not. What will you do, “Nate Bihldorff”?

A month ago, we received an electronic letter from a person calling himself Nate Bihldorff, stating he is a legal representative from Nintendo. It was a DMCA Takedown Notice.

The end of the letter stated,

“Please notice that if you do not reply to this email within the given amount of 30 days we will be forced to take legal action.”

We haven't replied to the e-mail. Sure, I wrote an entire article, but never sent a reply to the e-mail (or his weird follow-up where he attached a decade-old picture of himself that he didn't take). Therefore, legal action must be imminent, right?

After all, Nate Bihldorff doesn't have a choice. He specifically said he would be “forced”. That leaves no flexibility that something WILL happen, though what exactly the “legal action” is could be anything.

That said, their specific request was,

“Take down the website with the associated content that we own.”

The website being the entire www.koopatv.org. So whatever they do will come to that end. Let's think about this a bit.

Nintendo Blew 5 Million Dollars on a Nintendo Switch Super Bowl Ad

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - The ad has low ratings, and isn't memorable versus other ads and the actual game.

Let's get this out of the way: All of the people on KoopaTV's staff who refer to the sport as just “football” (as opposed to “American football”) wanted the Atlanta Falcons to win last night's Super Bowl, Super Bowl LI (51). (It's football of the Madden NFL variety rather than the FIFA variety.) I'll write more about general sports-stuff later in the article, because sports and KoopaTV don't normally mix so that can hide at the bottom. However, this time, it's worth talking about because of Nintendo's Super Bowl appearance.

Last night was the first time, ever, that a Nintendo product was advertised for the Super Bowl! (Not counting the Pokémon 20th anniversary commercial that wasn't really advertising anything. Maybe THAT explains why Pokémon Sun and Pokémon Moon sold so much?) It was the Nintendo Switch. In the fourth quarter, this 30-second spot costing $5 million was aired:

There is also an extended cut three times as long located here, which features women winning every time they're paired up against men. ...It's just something that stuck out to me. Anyway, just because it's longer doesn't make it better, so let's talk about what tens of millions of people actually saw on television.

The 3DS Lives! And Pokémon Sun/Moon's Amazing Sales

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Plus, why the Nintendo Switch launch line-up is the way it is.

It's that time of year... Nintendo has released more Investors Relations documents! While we may not be investors (...well, I'M not. Maybe YOU are.), there's still a treasure trove of information us interested consumers can eat up. To be specific, it's the Corporate Management Policy Briefing/Nine Months Financial Results Briefing. If you actually do own stock, you might want to check out the financial stuff here, though I don't think any of it is particularly interesting besides Nintendo of America's Seattle Mariners baseball team sale having a comically large impact on their performance. (...That's what I find comical, anyway.)

I guess the big, stand-out news I care about (Animal Crossing on mobile garbage is delayed to after March, but no one's looking forward to that, right? It just means Nintendo only has three smartphone games out by March 2017, not five like they promised.) is how amazingly Pokémon Sun and Pokémon Moon did, sales-wise. The details of which are also pretty interesting.

In the span of a few weeks, the two games put together are the third-best selling games of the Nintendo 3DS, ever.
They'll probably surpass Mario Kart 7 very quickly, if they haven't already.

Isn't that... fantastic? It seems the months of drip-feed information and a massive 20th anniversary celebration resulted in sales. Nintendo also cites Pokémon GO as a contributing factor. That last one, if true, may explain two tidbits of information regarding how Pokémon Sun/Moon got such high sales:

KoopaTV's January 2017 Review Newsletter

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - We're announcing a huge, major change with KoopaTV's output.

We're a twelfth done with the year. It's kind of a disaster, in that I originally typed “January 2016” in the article headline. Yes, I'm STILL having trouble coming to grips with what year this is.

That's not the only problem we're facing, however, so let's start with... BAD NEWS.

KoopaTV Article Production To Be Cut 40%

Horrifying header, isn't it? But it's true. You see, given the recent global conflicts of the world and a certain President of the United States (not President Barack Hussein Obama — we're done with him, finally) trying to make a name for himself, KoopaTV is caught in a precarious position.

Remember: Our Earth headquarters is in Sierra Leone. Sierra Leone is a Muslim-majority country filled with dark-skin people. It's a ripe target for some immigration policy and economic controls, and Sierra Leone itself is fed up. On the Sierra Leone side, they're trying to boycott America. On the American side, they want to restrict immigration and imports from Sierra Leone. We at KoopaTV condemn this behaviour from the man whom we helped elect with our election meddling.

As a result, we must smuggle our articles into the United States (where KoopaTV's servers are located) from Sierra Leone through the Southern border, which is currently under extra scrutiny as work on THE WALL is beginning. Due to the added costs of having to perform this measure, and the fact that we're making no additional revenue (0 + 0 = 0), we are making a Three-Fifths Compromise with you, the reader, to only have three articles a week instead of five.

We plan for articles to be published Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, effective immediately.

That said, if something very important needs to be published on a particular Tuesday or Thursday, we'll try to do our best to smuggle it as soon as we can!

We will try our best to make up for the lost quantity with added quality. We once had a lengthy discussion back in 2015 about what would happen if KoopaTV went to one article a week instead of five. Going to three seems like a balance, doesn't it? (Not that balance is always... good.)

Personally, I was extremely upset that Zero Escape: Zero Time Dilemma was robbed of a chance to win Best 3DS Game of 2016 on KoopaTV, or be nominated for any other category. As I admitted back in November 2016, I haven't played it even though I've owned it for a while — and I STILL haven't played it. Surely, KoopaTV being a time-suck is somewhat to blame? (So are Pokémon Moon and Paper Mario: Color Splash, though.)