The ClinCon Experience

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Four nights of the Democratic National Convention, 2016!

Ah, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. You know, back in the day I used to spell it “Pencilvania” and I still don't see anything wrong with that. 

Philadelphia, or “Philly”, is the place where the best frozen goods brand, PhillySwirl, had their start. The United States of America's Declaration of Independence was drafted there. And, from July 25–July 28, the Democratic National Convention took place there to nominate Hillary Rodham Clinton as the Democratic Party's nominee for president of the United States!

(...So, let's all agree that PhillySwirl is the best thing of those.) 

I don't know if the different nights were supposed to have themes, since they kinda just had the same thing every night. They even had repeat speakers. But, the highlights were something like this:

The Wii U's Winding Days

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - The Wii U has turned barren and infertile, but...

The First Quarter for Nintendo's 2016 (their years begin in March, not January) has just ended. So... now we have a little bit more information, updated from the annual report/fourth quarter ending report from three months ago.

What's new? Nothing much, actually. It's just things look more dismal:

Paper Mario: Color Splash and The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. (Source.)

The Wii U side is really small. At the very least, the next page has third parties, and Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney — Spirit of Justice is on the 3DS side! (...Sorry Wii U.) That game is selling “largely as planned” in Japan, according to CAPCOM. When it comes out in America this September, let's make it sell YUUUUGER than planned!

Speaking of sales, this is interesting:

Why Koops Is a Loser

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - One of the worst Koopas to have ever lived.

I generated a bit of controversy when I mentioned Koops, the Koopa partner from Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door, is someone I don't like in my defence of Paper Mario: Color Splash article:

“Anyway, there will be multiple kinds of enemy battle cards, not just weak and worthless Shy Guys. Koopa Troopas and Buzzy Beetles are also confirmed, and having a generic Koopa Troopa is already better than having Koops.”

That created a huge problem for a lot of anti-Color Splash people on the hateful, resent-filled Paper Mario sub-reddit, with comments such as:

“that's clearly an opinion, and quite a few people do like Koops”

“...subjective comments like this really don't have a place in what should be a relatively objective defense article”

and

“You shut your stupid face. Breakdancing Koopa bro was best partner after Yoshi Kid.”

It's pretty rare (and it shouldn't be since we indirectly incentivise it) that KoopaTV articles get shared by non-staffers to the outside world who have no idea what kind of website this is. But, yeah, Koops has fans. Yet, for whatever reason, I have been disrespecting Koops for over a decade.

First, I'll explain his background. And then...why I dislike him. Lastly, who I like instead.

These Pokémon GO Players Would Be Victims — If Not For Concealed Carry!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - The right to self-defence must not be infringed.

I still want to avoid devolving this website into commentating on Pokémon GO every day. There are dozens of stories about this game every day. Many are actually pretty funny, but this is KoopaTV and we don't want to be like some other sites that are just talking about Pokémon GO to get hits.

HERE is a Pokémon GO story I can get behind, though. This group of Pokémon GO players, around six people, were at Las Vegas's Freedom Park a bit after 4 AM. This jerk, Elvis Campos, tried to rob the players. They just wanted to capture Magikarp en-masse because of the ridiculous requirements to obtain a Gyarados, but this Elvis man (wouldn't surprise me if he's an illegal immigrant) wanted to capture all of the electronics these players would be carrying.

This is Freedom Park. It's a desert, really. Where would you find Magikarp?
(Image from Google Maps/Earth.)

However, one of those players was carrying something else. One of those Pokémon GO players had a concealed carry permit. And he didn't just have the permit — he also had a gun. And fought back. One of the members of the group was shot in the stomach (a non-life-threatening injury), while the robber got shot in the back (your imagination as to how — also non-life-threatening).

So... what to make of this?

Less Than A Week To Survive Forced Windows 10 Upgrade!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - I don't WANT your free upgrade! Make me pay for it!

A while ago, in the summer of 2015, Microsoft rolled out their free upgrade offer to every Windows 7 and 8 user they knew, and probably other people too. I resisted it back then, and vowed that I would not accept the offer due to things such as the operating system being spyware.

It has almost been a full year since July 29, 2015, when Microsoft's offer began. And, this July 29, 2016, the offer will end.

Microsoft's site even has a countdown. (It's been counted down by a few hours as of publishing.)

 
Finally. I'll be able to turn Windows Update back on so my computer isn't incredibly vulnerable to the dangers of cyber attacks and hackers. I mean... this looks alarming, doesn't it?

The DonCon Experience

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Four nights of the Republican National Convention, 2016!

We heard from Herman Cain yesterday that you could find wild (augmented reality) Pikachu at the Republican National Convention wearing a MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN hat. But you don't just go to that to catch Pokémon. If you went to Cleveland, Ohio from July 18 to July 21, you were going to participate at the convention by connecting with folks, voting for Donald Trump to make him the official Republican nominee, and listening to hours upon hours of speeches. You also got to participate in chants, such as “LOCK HER UP!” Audience participation!

So, what were the best moments? And will there be a videogame-related component in this article? (Yes. Multiple.)

Herman Cain With a Pokémon STOP!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Be careful out there.

After two years of silence on Pokémon-related matters, Herman Cain is back with a message on Pokémon GO. Here is what the former Republican presidential candidate, radio talk show host, and businessman has to say:

Here is Herman Cain's warning to Pokemon players. pic.twitter.com/5mh3CC6K8v

— Daniel Dale (@ddale8) July 19, 2016

Follow that advice folks. I don't really want to talk about Pokémon GO and I think it's received an utterly absurd and undue amount of media coverage and cultural resonance. 

But if Herman Cain's gonna mention it (and other sites are going to report on our coverage of him), then I guess I gotta report on it. He's a bit late, though. Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh, among other conservative talk radio hosts, were on the Pokémon GO train already.

Herman Cain is the only one who has had previous experience with the series, however. And he really can't stay silent, with his own native Georgia's cemeteries being overran with disrespectful Pokémon GO players invading 'em.

You can read the full story in the Newnan Times-Herald here.
Serious props to them for including the accent in Pokémon.

People playing Pokémon GO are literally finding dead bodies (outside of cemeteries) and falling off of cliffs (to possibly add to the dead body count), along with being robbed and lured by unsavoury dudes with this app. Be careful. Even with it being an “excellent, brilliant concept.”

YOU might turn into the next PokéStop.

Herman Cain is at the Republican National Convention right now and has been all week, and he's been walking everywhere. He claims to be too busy to search for Pokémon, but that doesn't stop there being Pokémon present in Cleveland whether he knows it or not.

It's Herman Cain's favourite Pokémon, Pikachu, found at the Republican National Convention!

Update 7/22/2016:

Herman Cain talking about this on his Radio Show on July 22. Features Ted Cruz being lured on stage.

While Ludwig is writing filler due to DonCon taking up time in the day, the KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program's current prize is a $10 eShop card. Just putting that out there. The interview featuring Herman Cain saying his favourite Pokémon is Pikachu has also been re-published to KoopaTV. It's the first thing linked-to in this article.


KoopaTV republished tips on how to stay safe while playing Pokémon GO. Take a look.
After this, KoopaTV reviews how the RNC went overall. Features another plushie in the MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN hat.
One player took Herman Cain's advice and brought his gun.
We presume that you don't need the government forcing you to be safe by banning Pokémon GO altogether.

Charssie finally got a guest article

By CHARSSIE GOD - I'm running the show now.

KoopaTV is so bad. Oh, you've never heard of them? That's to be expected. They're this group of people that try to do what other successful blogs do. They do have a nice team though. They have a racist, and a sexist one too!

I never really understood KoopaTV. They try and try and try, but in the end it doesn't even matter. They get more hate in one day than the whole black community has since the beginning of time. That's right, they're that bad.

KoopaTV had this artist or something named Wendy, but everyone knows it was just the mastermind behind KoopaTV, Ludwig Von Koopa. He knew his staff was small so he took on a new persona. Imagine that! But in end, it didn't even matter, because guess what? She left too!

That's all for now! I hope KoopaTV enjoys!

 

Charssie does not condone slavery in any way. Charssie is not racist, like the owner of this website. Charssie hopes you enjoyed his article. This will probably be the most popular article on this blog. If you have any questions, please comment below. Peace out homies.


This isn't the first time KoopaTV has published an antagonistic guest post from a notorious shit-poster.
KoopaTV tried to have outreach with the black community with KoopaTV BLK™, but that never went anywhere.
Ludwig denies that he or any of his staff are racists here.
If you want to understand KoopaTV, try reading the About page.
KoopaTV has been trying for over three years now.
For more on Ludwig's relationship with cows, click here.
For more about Wendy O. Koopa being hired, click here. 
KoopaTV gets a lot of hate from other communities with the justification that KoopaTV is supposedly a hate site.
Along with commenting below, you're free to let KoopaTV's staff know what you enjoy by filling out the non-published-to-the-public KoopaTV Feedback Forms!
It's true, however, that KoopaTV's staff is small. You (excluding Charssie) are welcome to join KoopaTV's staff. Learn how to here.
Charssie had trouble following KoopaTV's guest posting standards, but he finally managed. Check out how easy they are here, and perhaps submit a guest post of your own. KoopaTV will APPARENTLY take anything!
This is not the only guest article that had bad things to say about KoopaTV. This one advocates a boycott!

More Newly Discovered Alola Pokémon! Featuring Mudsdale & Mimikyu!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - At last, another horse to name your Pocket Card Jockey cast after.

I'm consciously avoiding that big, cultural Pokémon-related phenomenon going on in the world right now. I'm more-than-willing to talk about ACTUAL, LEGITIMATE Pokémon news on a Nintendo system. That's right, it's time for yet another Pokémon Sun Version and Pokémon Moon Version news dump! Take it away, The Pokémon Company International:

Great stuff, right? My favourites are in this article's title: Mudsdale and Mimikyu, though I also really like Bounsweet.

There's one guy I really dislike, though.

The Final Splatfest: Callie vs. Marie

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - My ultimate choice is CALLIE.

KoopaTV's best article series of 2015, Continuing Splatfest Coverage, continued into 2016. But now? It'll be ending. Because Splatfest is ending. Callie and Marie said so.

And, unlike how I feel about the mainstream media, I trust Splatfest News as a source.

Nintendo's reason to keep playing Splatoon every so often will be ending with the final Splatfest: Team Callie vs. Team Marie.

...Yes, the final Splatfest is Callie vs. Marie, the Squid Sisters. And, if I may complain: The Splatfest themes are supposed to come from a fax machine sending messages sent thousands of years in the past. How does Callie vs. Marie make sense if Callie and Marie are not even a century young? Also, they strongly foreshadowed at the conclusion of the previous Splatfest (unfortunately, my endorsement lost) that this one would be Callie vs. Marie. And by strongly foreshadowed, I mean in the same sense that it was 100%-guaranteed that Hillary Clinton would be the Democrat Party's nominee for president.

Did they access the fax machine weeks before the message was sent? Is the fax machine lore all a scam? Are Callie and Marie in cahoots on this? Is there, in fact, only one party, masquerading as two parties to give the serfs the illusion of free choice?

With those questions to ponder on the back of our minds, let us discuss why I support Callie over Marie.

KoopaTV Logo Policy and Guidelines

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Please follow these rules. ...Or else.

The Official KoopaTV Logo is an important part of KoopaTV’s image and reflects the core principles of our Site. It is the intellectual property of KoopaTV, and it may not be used for any purpose without the express written permission of KoopaTV.

Review the Logo Use Policy here for guidelines for use and instructions on how to request permission to use the Logo. Questions regarding the Logo or the Policy may be directed to logo(at)koopatv.org.

Distorting the logo in any way is unacceptable. Distortion is defined as anything that's different than the logos provided by KoopaTV.org. This policy applies to KoopaTV's affiliates, as well.

Just in case you don't see the top of the page, here's what the logo looks like:

The tail was professionally done/custom-made, so we never want to change it.

A list of previous logos the site has used is included below the footer of this article.

See below for the request form (it's EMBEDDED!) and examples of incorrect uses.

(Apparently, the form has been disabled by Google as abusive. ...RIP.)

The Nintendo Entertainment System... Returns?

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - It's the Nintendo Entertainment System: Nintendo Entertainment System Classic Edition!

I read a headline today. It was “Nintendo relives the past with new console release”. A NEW CONSOLE RELEASE? AHHH! IT MUST BE NINTENDO FINALLY ANNOUNCING DETAILS ABOUT THE NX! After all, they said it'd be after E3, and they're already front and centre in the minds of everyone because of that mobile-disaster-I-won't-name.

...But no, it's about as “new” as New Super Mario Bros.. What Nintendo actually announced was the “Nintendo Entertainment System: NES Classic Edition.” See the header for why that's a dumb name.

It's $60, coming out November 11. So, want to see what it looks like?

In case you forgot, the actual NES was...bigger than the palm of your hand.

Uh... right. Details. Well, as you see in the above picture, it comes with that NES controller and THIRTY GAMES INCLUDED. (You cannot obtain any more, and cannot use actual NES cartridges.) Nintendo provides a list in their press release here. It plugs into high-definition televisions and comes with an HDMI cable. So... um... why is this a thing?

Critic Reviews Are Becoming Irrelevant

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Slowly, and over time, but people are waking up to a broken system.

Does anyone care about what so-called professional gaming journalists think anymore? Especially when they review games?

Everyone has made fun of IGN for their review of Pokémon Omega Ruby and Pokémon Alpha Sapphire. (The “7.8/10 Too Much Water” thing is a meme.) Meanwhile, I still think IGN's review of Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn is the worst game review ever written.

But it's not just IGN. People aren't taking many reviewer outlets seriously. Lots of people take issues with the subjectivity of reviewers, especially when they grade games based on some non-game ideology. Just ask #GamerGate what they think of some of Polygon's reviews, like Bayonetta 2's.

Anyway, there's some evidence out there that critic reviews are becoming less relevant over time — and might've never been relevant to begin with. Take a look at these GameFAQs poll results:

Not Much Nintendo Stuff For Prime Day

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - I guess there's no supply for Metroid Prime since you can buy Metroid Prime: Trilogy digital on the Wii U!

It's Prime Day! That means, go to Amazon and buy stuff! Big deals on tens of thousands of items that you won't get to encounter any other time of the year! Those that won the KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program Round 8 get to put their Amazon gift cards to special use!

(Round 9's prizes still aren't announced — this is because I announce them after I already have something bought, and I haven't been to a gift card-selling establishment in over two months. This should answer a certain shit-poster's question that he submitted in KoopaTV Feedback Form Part V. YOU all reading this can fill it out too, and get points to WIN Round 9!)

There's a problem, though... 

Famous Dead People Privilege

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Dishonouring those who never had a chance to make it in the world. #AllFansMatter

Before E3 2016, way before, it was a no-brainer that Nintendo would have some sort of Satoru Iwata tribute. No one thinks that a tribute at The Game Awards 2015 (which was otherwise all sorts of awful) was good enough. Iwata died exactly one year ago, which should still be within the one-year statute of limitations to dedicate time in your E3 presentation to your widely-beloved former president. (It's not like anyone even knows who the current guy is.)

So, when Nintendo's E3 2016 rolled around for the first day, Reggie Fils-Aime shows up. Who got their tribute? “All the victims of the two tragic events of Orlando.” By name, Reggie only mentioned Christina Grimmie, who was supposed to come to Nintendo's E3 event.

After a brief moment of silence he cut to this trailer for The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, which begins with the line “open your eyes”, as if the problem with all of the tragic victims is that they're just taking a very long nap:

Was Satoru Iwata mentioned once? In the whole E3? If he was, it was in the few hours at the end of Day 1 of Nintendo's covering The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild that we were too exhausted to cover. I think it's safe to say he wasn't mentioned.

What's going on? Instead of Satoru Iwata as they should've done, Nintendo gives tribute to someone I've never heard of just because she's famous, died the weekend before, and is at some level a The Legend of Zelda fan. The problems get worse (and start existing, if you don't see any yet) from there.

If You Don't Have Any Preconceived Notions, It's Good!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Shigeru Miyamoto on Star Fox Zero, and probably the rest of his games.

According to an E3 2016 interview between two bad sources (double negative is a positive, right?), Game Informer magazine and Shigeru Miyamoto, Shigeru Miyamoto had this to say about Star Fox Zero: 

“I think personally Star Fox is a really fun game if you sit down and play it. I think, for example, an elementary school kid who plays it without any preconceived notions, I think it would be really fun for them. I think it’s also really, really fun for siblings to play it together.”

I didn't even know that Star Fox Zero had multiplayer. It's local co-operative where one player steers the Arwing with some controller, and the second shoots stuff with the GamePad.

I don't know if that's actually “really, really fun” or Miyamoto is just saying lies. From personal experience, having two players in one kart in Mario Kart: Double Dash!! is actually fun. The player in front drives, and the player in the back throws items. And you have to have real teamwork in that you both have to press Z at the same time to switch places — which you'd want to do if, say, the guy in front isn't holding an item and the guy in back is, and you want full ammunition. (Then you switch back, and the person in front can actually pass the item to the guy in back once the guy in back uses their item.) You need real-time communication! A local multiplayer game where you actually gotta talk to one another! Fun.

On the other hand, it could be like Super Mario Galaxy's local multiplayer co-op where some guy just throws pointless Star Bits. Star Fox Zero's multiplayer, on paper, sounds a lot more cohesive and co-operative than not. Though I'm not sure how much it makes sense in-game. In Mario-Kart Double Dash!!, the game's entire premise is having two people in one kart. In Super Mario Galaxy, that Luma that always follows the plumber is the Star Bit tosser. Star Fox Zero? This is the only in-game explanation given:

If you go get Pokémon GO, Be Safe!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - And don't try to capture our logo.

We knew from E3 2016 in the DISASTROUSLY BORING Pokémon GO Q&A Session that the mobile application would be coming out in July. But is it just me, or was its release really...sudden? Poof! It just appeared worldwide for download and suddenly social media has a lot of alternate-reality pictures of Generation 1 Pokémon.

And, unfortunately, it is only the original 151 Pokémon. The game is marketed towards GenWunners.

Hey... Try catching the Squirtle, not the “a” in our logo!

Yet, despite this all-of-a-sudden release schedule, everyone knows about it. I've had someone who knows absolutely nothing about games come up to me just today, in-person, and say, “Hey, did you know about the new Pokémon game out now on Android and iOS? Too bad you don't have a smartphone!”

...And I know they have no idea what they're talking about (well, the lack of ownership of a smartphone is spot-on) because they totally jumbled up how to pronounce Pokémon.

Anyway, the game is out now. You can download it. I heard the servers are terrible. But if you do manage to succeed, you can walk to all the museums and other PokéStops you want. These apparently include police stations, which I hear don't want you actually going inside. Another source tells me that PokéStops regenerate their goodies every five minutes. Players are incentivised to walk back-and-forth between two close-enough PokéStops to “farm” whatever they give out.

That, of course, is called trespassing and loitering. You may be in unsafe situations. So, let's review some safety tips provided by the official site. But... first, rewatch the opening trailer and tell yourself you're an idiot if you thought the final product would be anything like this. (Fortunately for my self-esteem, I always knew not to trust this trailer.)

Hillary Clinton: The Dark Age of the Law

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - It's come sooner than anyone has realised.

Back during the second Democratic Presidential Debate for 2016 (which happened in November — 8 months ago. How time flies!), I said this:

“The Dark Age of the Law is set to begin in 2020. 2020 happens to be part of the term of the winner of this presidential election. I firmly believe that nominating one of the Democrat participants of this debate would lead to the Dark Age of the Law occurring.” 

I guess I'm off by four years. (So is CAPCOM.)

If KoopaTV was a crappy enough website to do this, I'd have this be auto-playing background music starting now whenever you go on the site:

The Dark Age of the Law.

It turns out that you didn't need Hillary Clinton actually elected for it to begin. How could I be so foolish? America already has President Barack Hussein Obama! That's corrupt enough. He's the one that promoted Crooked Hillary from a videogame-industry-attempted-murderer to Secretary of State.

And you know what she did as that? (Well, if you've been paying any attention at all to the news, you would.) 

Toxic "No Music" Philosophies

By VORTEXICA - Ditching Zelda traditions? Not like THIS!

As you may have seen in KoopaTV's hysterical reaction log, Paper Mario: Color Splash has surprised us greatly with its pivot back towards a more story-driven experience, even if that experience is still lacking in RPG elements and has gameplay suffering from the dreaded Sticker Star syndrome.

But I'm not here to talk about that, merely to offer this observation: What kind of wormhole have we fallen through when we find ourselves in a situation after this E3 where the latest Paper Mario game might actually possess something approaching a story, whilst The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild has been robbed of that most basic but crucially important thing... MUSIC.

Skull Kid steals Link's ocarina. It's symbolic, yo.

Before I start, let me just say, as you also may've read, we here at KoopaTV have been reasonably pleased with what we've seen from Breath of the Wild, for the most part. It was so over-exposed at E3 that we couldn't log (or even stay awake through) all of it, but, to varying degrees it must be said, we all think the game's shaping up well, apart from this glaring misstep: The overworld of this open-world game appears to possess absolutely no true background music whatsoever!

How Independence Has Been Going

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Debatable for America, good for KoopaTV, and it will be good for Britain.

Have you read America's Declaration of Independence lately? It was signed 240 years ago, July 4, 1776. I'm not a big fan of it — it's very anti-monarchical. Here's what it says about princes (I'm offended on a personal level):

“A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.” 

Me? Unfit to be ruler?! Who the hell does Thomas Jefferson think he is?!

According to Herman Cain's fan-fiction, “Thomas Jefferson Comes To Dinner” (which you can listen to him read out loud here), Thomas Jefferson ends up appalled and stunned at the state of the United States of America today. Dude is never happy. I'm a tyrant. King George III was a tyrant. Obama is a tyrant. Hillary will (if elected/anointed) be a tyrant. The United States is a mess.

That said, rebellions are cool. I was on Team Naughty for that reason. KoopaTV is littered with pro-Confederate States of America articles and a game, Capture the Confederate Flag. 

Riding on Stoutland in Pokémon Sun and Moon? And Tapu Koko revealed.

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - And a lot of other stuff.

As I said would happen, today The Pokémon Company International has a bunch of news regarding brand-new Alola Pokémon! ...Well, most are brand new.

Here, watch their video:

And check out the official website. That video didn't have Rockruff (a rock-type Lillipup) or Komala (a Cubchoo that wiped its nose, stole Timburr's log, and went to sleep. Don't believe me? Look towards the bottom of this article). 

They also formally revealed Tapu Koko, which astute E3-watchers and KoopaTV readers may remember as that deity the starting island people had a festival for.