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Thursday, December 3, 2015

Ludwig Passively Reacts to The Game Awards 2015

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - I have other things to do, and this always sucked.

I didn't know these were tonight. It's The Game Awards, hosted by Geoff Keighley.

...The Game Awards is notoriously awful.

So here's what they themselves put up:


The Game Awards offensive content viewer discretion is advised
It's advised that you didn't bother watching The Game Awards.

Still, Nintendo fans were hyping themselves into thinking there'd be some big Nintendo announcement. Spoiler alert: It was a trick. There was nothing for you.

I got more enjoyment out of eating my chicken than watching The Game Awards 2015, so here's my live reaction to it.

 Nintendork 13 13 8:59 pm
    Super Mari0 Maker won The Game Awards Best Family Game
    "two hours of nonstop gaming action" yeah right they'll go over
    Big game for PlayStation early next year
    who cares
    Content warning.
    I should just have my whole reaction be that picture.

 Nintendork 13 13 9:01 pm
    "In the palm of your hand, we all play"
    Implied Splatoon was a handheld game
    but also had it show up when they said "We"
    which I saw as a Wii reference.
    "The creator of The Game Awards, here's Geoff Keighley"
    ew

Geoff Keighley The Game Awards 2015 preshow
Geoff Keighley ready to present an award. Before the show starts.


 Nintendork 13 13 9:04 pm
    All these multiplayer games are just nitty gritty shooters
    except Splatoon
    "and the game award goes to SPLATOON"
    woah what
    Best Multiplayer goes to Splatoon.
    "Splatoon also wins Best Multiplayer"
    wait, "also"?
    wot else did it win
    "Let me salute you [the game developers] on all your craft"
    thought he said "crap"

 Nintendork 13 13 9:08 pm
    Gonna eat dinner
    There's this abusive woman on screen and it's sort of a turn-on
    wait that guy was Nathan Drake?
    Did he shave
    I don't even remember what he actually looks like.
    Besides be generic.

 Nintendork 13 13 9:11 pm
    help my oven is broken
    It's been at 100 degrees (Fahrenheit) for like
    20 minutes

Reggie Fils-Aime Nintendo of America The Game Awards Splatoon
Reggie is tired already and it just started. Also what the hell is with this font?


 Nintendork 13 13 9:14 pm
    Oh apparently it won Best Shooter
    Splatoon
    That's why they said "also"
    I'm either not paying attention
    or they're not being clear

 Nintendork 13 13 9:16 pm
    Apparently Shaq is here
    Giving awards for eSports teams.
    "On behalf of Call of Duty as a whole, we accept this on behalf of the Call of Duty community"
    what
    World premiere they've promised they haven't leaked.
    Looks like The Division.

 Nintendork 13 13 9:18 pm
    Angry Franklin dollar.
    Is it Mad World 2
    it's all black-and-white
    no it's Batman
    "A Telltale Games series"

Angry Ben Franklin dollar Batman Telltale Games
I swear, he looks angrier than usual.


 Nintendork 13 13 9:25 pm
    My oven works
    Something's happening
    This dude is kissing this woman
    for Best Narrative
    Someone named "Viva"
    Everyone keeps saying "the game"
    I don't even know what game they're talking about I sorta missed that.
    Ooooh an Ubisoft Montreal person
    Crowd is cat-calling her
    kinda gross
    "Farcry Primal" oh I guess the crowd acting like animals is fitting given the game.
    "World Premiere"

 Nintendork 13 13 9:28 pm
    Something about taming beasts.
    Lots of switching between scenes in first-person except holding different things.
    ew League of Legends "effya deporta"
    That's this woman's name apparently.
    Some musical performance
    better check on my chikin

 Nintendork 13 13 9:33 pm
    chikin checked
    Singer leaving.
    Pretty good timing.
    What'd I just come to?
    ...is this a commercial
    "go90" ?
    Some LEGO Marvel thing
    Can't tell if this is a commercial or part of the show.
    ...Then again, the show is just commercials anyway isn't it?

 Nintendork 13 13 9:35 pm
    buffering but that's okay
    Hulk and Iron Man are mad at each other
    BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CHICKEN
    besides what I'm gonna eat
    "Bud Light upgraded a few gamers"
    dat Bud Light advertisement
    "Stay tuned to see more fans level up with Bud Light"
    I've had enough already.

 Nintendork 13 13 9:37 pm
    wtf "Favourite Trending Gamer" award
    So an award dedicated to LPers?
    "Trending Gamer"
    TotalBiscuit, Markiplier, Greg Miller, Pewdiepie
    "Montecristo"
    Can't tell if they showed people screaming
    Award to Greg Miller
    don't even know who that is
    They showed these streamers screaming like freaks to make fun of them or if that's part of their appeal.
    This guy uses his girlfriend's apartment as a recording studio.

Greg Miller The Game Awards trending gamer
I have no idea who Greg Miller is, but he doesn't represent me!


 Nintendork 13 13 9:40 pm
    "I am a duely elected representative of you the gamers"
    I DON'T WANT THIS GUY TO REPRESENT ME
    THIS IS THE PROBLEM WITH DEMOCRACY
    MONARCHY IS SO MUCH BETTER
    I'm saying this as the prince of Koopa Kingdom, but still!
    gotta check on chikin
    And actually eat it!
    Actually this world premiere is hopefully Battalion Wars 3
    no it's
    wait what
    Psychonauts?!?!
    PsychoNauts 2?!!??!
    I didn't think that'd exist!

 Nintendork 13 13 9:42 pm
    Well I'm not interested in what Tim Schaefer has to say so chikin let's go

 Nintendork 13 13 9:47 pm
    Coming back
    to Bethesda giving a million dollars
    or something
    Oh, the singers are back.
    So having my oven-fried chikin
    With Southern Spicy Sweet BBQ sauce
    (Best indie game award)
    Indies are their own category.
    ew Undertale
    I feel like I'd probably like Undertale if I gave it a chance.
    (That last bit is the problem.)
    And the award goes to

 Nintendork 13 13 9:49 pm
    "Rrrrrocket League!" "Also wins best sports racing game"
    They're name-dropping "the Reddit community" well that can't be good.
    Some guy talking about "Quantum Break"
    which is apparently a game where you fight a big bad corporation
    named "Monarch Solutions"
    So it's against businesses AND monarchy?

 Nintendork 13 13 9:52 pm
    So this game is just totally evil.
    Damn communists.
    "It's time to talk about something really important right now"
    Oh it's about Iwata's death.
    Geoff was considering canceling The Game Awards because Iwata died?
    ...No he wasn't!
    Why would you do that?
    Geoff said he met Iwata 6 weeks before he died.
    ("was a lot thinner than I expected")

 Nintendork 13 13 9:54 pm
    "Tonight for a few minutes we're going to put the awards and world premieres aside and focus on the man of the hour"
    (I dunno, the hour is almost over!)
    Iwata montage.
    Miyamoto is photobombing almost every photo.
    Reggie Fils-Aime back to talk about Iwata.
    Reggie says one of the most overused words in English is "unique"
    "Very few of us truly are."
    "Satoru Iwata was one who truly was unique, in the fullest sense of the word."
    Reggie implying Iwata was a perfect person to lead a videogame company.

The Game Awards Satoru Iwata montage tribute
Black-and-white Iwata's good-bye...



 Nintendork 13 13 9:56 pm
    And was intelligently designed to do so.
    "He was accomplished in every [area of hardware, game design, and business]"
    Reggie has seen Iwata's résumé.
    Reggie said Iwata was "directly involved" in 3 of the 5 systems that have sold over 100 million units worldwide.
    "The man was fearless."
    "Remember how you felt when you first heard the name 'Wii'?"
    "But Iwata already knew. He had already heard the criticisms internally."

 Nintendork 13 13 9:58 pm
    (Good to know Nintendo's internal structure isn't a hivemind collective.)
    "Nintendo, at its heart, is about making us feel younger than we are today."
    "Iwata, I hope you're smiling. Right now."
    Reggie introducing Ben Harper on piano. And voice.
    I assume this song is supposed to tribute to Iwata.

The Game Awards 2015 Iwata tribute Ben Harper song
The hands are waving in different directions and it was a mess.


 Nintendork 13 13 10:00 pm
    The crowd is waving their arms.
    "Even though it was clear that you couldn't stay" - the song
    RIP
    (The audience isn't waving their arms even close to synchronously.)

 Nintendork 13 13 10:02 pm
    Y'all might not know from my wiseass comments
    but this whole Iwata thing is moving!
    Like
    emotionally!
    Now it's ending
    I wonder what they'll follow up with.
    Some couple kissing.
    About Virtual Reality.
    A mobile device commercial is asking if I'm bored.
    It's Go90 again.
    I'd rather have the Wii U WatchUp app
    or whatever the heck it was.

 Nintendork 13 13 10:05 pm
    Yeah that's it.
    I reviewed it!
    eww they're giving this guy all this time to promote PC gaming
    I finished my chikin

 Nintendork 13 13 10:07 pm
    Life is Strange won the Games for Impact award with no fanfare just Geoff talking.
    with no graphics or anything.
    Conan O'Brien ew
    Literally making penis jokes.

 Nintendork 13 13 10:09 pm
    Conan doesn't know that Nintendo exists.
    But at least they're nominated for developer of the year.
    Goes to
    CD Projekt Red for The Witcher 3
    Apparently those guys rally Witcher 3 for every poll it's on in the Internet
    EXCEPT GameFAQs.

 Nintendork 13 13 10:16 pm
    I'm still here in theory

 Nintendork 13 13 10:19 pm
    Those Bud Light things were here again.
    Geoff talking to the people interviewed by Bud Light things
    that get to sit in front rows
    Girl says her favourite part was Iwata's tribute.
    Well, that's my favourite part too!
    There's not much else!
    Geoff's favourite game is being remastered
    Something called "Shadow Complex"

 Nintendork 13 13 10:21 pm
    protagonist is shaved Nathan Drake.
    In some sort of body armour suit thing.
    "Believe the hype!" - the trailer

 Nintendork 13 13 10:29 pm
    They've been honouring this Westwood
    saying "you wouldn't have DOTA you wouldn't have League of Legends" for why they're so great.
    ...I'd be fine with that!

 Nintendork 13 13 10:41 pm
    Hideo Kojima
    wanted to appear at The Game Awards
    but was told by a Konami lawyer
    He would not be allowed to travel to it and accept any awards.
    That's according to Geoff.
    Hideo is in Tokyo and asks the crowd to applause.
    So Keith Sutherland accepted a Metal Gear Solid V award instead.
    Dat Konami being awful, lol
    So they're having a whole musical performance in Kojima's honour?

 Nintendork 13 13 10:45 pm
    You can get 40% off GTAV
    apparently
    because Rockstar sponsored The Game Awards.
    I dunno.

 Nintendork 13 13 10:49 pm
    According to this woman
    Characters that aren't voice-acted cannot be good characters.
    This guy in the audience is super-confused that The Witcher 3 won best performance.

The Game Awards Her Story Witcher 3 Best Performance Award
Classic. Also that isn't just any guy that's the guy from CD Projekt Red.


 Nintendork 13 13 10:51 pm
    but
    It's really
    Her Story
    apparently
    And she made a mistake
    I don't know
    Maybe that's why he's confused.
    I'm confused too!

 Nintendork 13 13 10:54 pm
    This Pinstripe developer guy needs to have a light on
    when he's developing late at night.
    Or he'll get computer vision syndrome.
    Game of the Year.

 Nintendork 13 13 10:56 pm
    Random guy running around in the background.
    Nominees: The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt
    Bloodborne
    Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain
    Fallout 4
    Super Mari0 Maker
    Why is SMM here and not Splatoon?
    (Undertale isn't even here yet it's trying to say it's the best game ever)
    Audience being rowdy
    Winner is
    The Witcher 3

The Game Awards game of the year The Witcher 3
What is this guy's name anyway?


 Nintendork 13 13 10:58 pm
    This guy's posture is awful.
    How is he even standing?
    "We promised a two hour show AND WE'RE GONNA DO IT, but we got one more surprise."
    Nintendo fans actually thought Nintendo would announce something tonight.
    hahahaha
    They announced that they felt bad that Iwata is dead!
    Dumb Nintendo fans!
    Hahahahahahahaa!!!!!!
    HAHAHAHAHAHAA.
    Now there is a world premiere from freaking Deadmau
    Of SMW's boss music I guess

deadmau5 The Game Awards Super Mario World KKK Boo
deadmau5 joining the KKK.


 Nintendork 13 13 11:00 pm
    Nintendo fans are totally clueless and were roped in to watch a useless show.
    hahahaa
    I'm just here 'cause I didn't wanna write an article tonight.
    ...Just FYI.
    this guy is in the KKK
    deadmau5

 Nintendork 13 13 11:05 pm
    yay we're done
    That was a waste of time.
    But I it would be
    and I'm going to laugh at people for weeks for thinking it wouldn't be.



Ludwig can give more information about his dinner. He also had milk with it. Yippee!


The predecessor to The Game Awards was "VGX", which KoopaTV saw together. It really sucked.
Less than a week later, Nintendo fans craving SOMETHING good got burned. Again.
Next year for The Game Awards 2016, Ludwig also tries to prepare some chicken in the oven, but forgets about it.

16 comments :

  1. I never paid attention to these game award shows. While I absolutely despise when people say I take things too seriously I am going to be a hypocrite and say people take these game award shows way too seriously.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Being a hypocrite is fine!

      I don't know how many people out there actually take this stuff seriously, besides Geoff Keighley. Maybe it's because my circle is pretty limited and not mainstream?

      Delete
  2. I'm just glad Undertale got rekt onstage. "I haven't heard of this game: I need 400 more people on tumblr to tell me about it." HILARIOUS.

    I'm not sure where that talk about Nintendo having an announcement came from. They did show Zelda last year.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I guess it came from Geoff Keighley and Nintendo fansites ran with it.

      http://www.nintendolife.com/news/2015/11/we_could_see_new_nintendo_stuff_at_the_game_awards_2015_as_well_as_a_tribute_to_satoru_iwata

      Delete
  3. PSYCHONAUTS 2 PSYCHONAUTS 2 PSYCHONAUTS 2

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for your thoughtful comment.

      Delete
    2. Sorry.

      I love Psychonauts. I mean, I really really really really really LOVE Psychonauts.

      If it was any other game, I wouldn't participate in the crowdfunding because of my disappointment with Broken Age 2 and some of Double Fine's sketchy moves lately, but it's not any other game, it's Psychonauts 2!!!

      Oh gosh, Tim Schafer, don't let us down this time... T_T

      Delete
    3. I predict here that he WILL let you down.

      Delete
    4. Well, in a few years when Psychonauts 2 releases (it has 3-year planned development or something, I think), I'll play it and then let you know if you were right or not.

      The safest bet is probably if they do it all at once. If Broken Age wasn't split in half, I think it would have been much better.

      Delete
    5. I thought that's why it was CALLED Broken Age!

      Delete
    6. Hmm... now I wonder if it was named that before or after he made the decision to split it in half.

      But anyway, the first half is absolutely brilliant. ...The second half feels like they changed the direction they wanted the story to take and quickly cobbled together something that raises questions and potential plot holes when considered in the context of the first half.

      Delete
    7. That's probably why they split it in half at that point and not some other point. Since it's not like they started the 2nd half right after the first was out. They had this pile of crap and had to split it somewhere.

      Delete
    8. Plotwise, it's the most logical breaking point. ...I just wish the writing held up... :(

      Delete
  4. The show had the most disappointing ending I've seen yet. When I heard "world premiere, I was expecting one final trailer, not terribly remixed Nintendo themes. Hopefully the next Direct will make up for this poor showing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is the same show that thinks Greg Miller is now our overlord. I still don't know who this guy is.

      So yeah, I wouldn't expect them to know how to have a good climax!

      Delete

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