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Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Why Koops Is a Loser

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - One of the worst Koopas to have ever lived.

I generated a bit of controversy when I mentioned Koops, the Koopa partner from Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door, is someone I don't like in my defence of Paper Mario: Color Splash article:
Anyway, there will be multiple kinds of enemy battle cards, not just weak and worthless Shy Guys. Koopa Troopas and Buzzy Beetles are also confirmed, and having a generic Koopa Troopa is already better than having Koops.”

That created a huge problem for a lot of anti-Color Splash people on the hateful, resent-filled Paper Mario sub-reddit, with comments such as:
that's clearly an opinion, and quite a few people do like Koops”
“...subjective comments like this really don't have a place in what should be a relatively objective defense article”
“You shut your stupid face. Breakdancing Koopa bro was best partner after Yoshi Kid.
It's pretty rare (and it shouldn't be since we indirectly incentivise it) that KoopaTV articles get shared by non-staffers to the outside world who have no idea what kind of website this is. But, yeah, Koops has fans. Yet, for whatever reason, I have been disrespecting Koops for over a decade.

First, I'll explain his background. And then...why I dislike him. Lastly, who I like instead.

About Koops

Koops is a fragile little Koopa boy living in Petalburg, a village east of the seedy Rogueport. Petalburg is basically a Koopa-populated suburb of Rogueport. Petalburg lacks the crime and mafia influences that Rogueport has, and the people get along in harmony. That is, except for the occasional dragon that eats people.

Koops has had a privileged life, besides whatever caused his nose injury. He has a girlfriend, Koopie Koo, who is actually pretty cute and looks suspiciously like Noxial. Yet he knows he's a weakling. He has little confidence in himself, and has never had to prove himself or do anything useful for anyone. That's what happens when you live in a little bubble utopia.

Petalburg Paper Mario The Thousand Year Door Koopa hide everyone Bowser level intermission
The other Koopas in the village are weaklings, too.

Disliking Koops

Let me tell you something about Petalburg. As you see in the above screenshot, the Koopas living there have no respect for the true King of Koopas, King Bowser Koopa. Petalburg, in fact, is a rogue colony that is populated with traitors to Koopa Kingdom. They've turned on their true ruler. They've gone from a lovely, burning visage to a bright, static one.

Koops was born into that life, so I suppose I can't hold it against him. He didn't choose to be a traitor. However, he quickly became one once he joined up with that plumber and started assaulting loyal Koopa Troopas.

Koops Paper Mario The Thousand Year Door stylish grave of Koopa Troopa breakdancing pose
He's not only assaulting Koopas, but he's posing (allegedly in a STYLISH! fashion) as he causes his fellow Koopas to perish!

So yeah, how can I sit here and support a traitor?

But not only is Koops a traitor, but he began his life as a loser and continues it as a loser. He never became a respectable person. Character development? Forget it. Koops is a complete embarrassment, and I feel uneasy just being in the same species as him.

He reminds me of a certain class of contemptible people, including Pajama Boy (otherwise known as Ethan Krupp), the Obamacare advertisement guy encouraging people to sign up for health insurance through that disaster.

Pajama Boy Ethan Krupp Obamacare Koops Paper Mario Koopa The Thousand Year Door
Left: Pajama Boy. Right: Koops. They're basically the same type of man: Weak. Ineffective. Total lack of presence.

It also doesn't help that, in terms of fighting, Koops is a weaker derivative of Kooper, from Paper Mario. Koops is totally useless against many minions who aren't ground-bound, too, and he has the weakest stamina of any partner.

[Update 7/28/2016] On Character Development

Some people don't like that I just said Koops doesn't have character development, and don't like that I said that without providing evidence. Why, Koops clearly says at the end that he feels more confident and stronger by the end of his adventure because he was hanging out with the plumber. He's obtained COURAGE.

I strongly disagree with this assessment. You see, Koops only SAID he feels more courageous and developed. However, words mean nothing. ACTIONS mean something. He wants to run for mayor of his traitor colony Petalburg at the end and live in peace? So what? You don't have to be courageous and effective to run for mayor. Just look at fellow slow-and-steady-but-failure JEB! Bush, a man who walks around with turtle trinkets in his pocket like he's Officer Jenny.

Besides, Koops betrays his sentiment by his non-verbal cues. According to social psychology, a substantial part of communication comes from those non-verbal cues — meaning there is much more than just the words you say. Observe Koops's communication and what others say about him to Kooper:

Koops is on the left side, and Kooper is on the right side. The respective Koopas speak for themselves in the bottom half,
and Goombella and Professor Kolorado give their assessments of the respective Koopas in the top half.

Kooper is standing up tall, accomplished, and proud (as much as you can with a shell), while Koops is slouching as much as he did at the beginning of Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door. According to the Body Language Project, slouching in Koops's context would indicate “social withdrawal and/or submission.” It also describes that the sloucher may “have trouble coping with the difficulties [life] presents us.”

Does that sound any different than how pathetic Koops was when Mario met him? Koops claims he has found courage and inner strength, but he is only really saying that because he promised his girlfriend, Koopie Koo, that he'd return to Petalburg a stronger Koopa. Since he didn't actually do that, he's lying.

Kooper doesn't need to lie, on the other hand. He actually is taking opportunities to fulfill HIS dreams — exploring with the famous Professor Kolorado.

[end update 7/28/2016]

Liking Others

Kooper is great. He was brave. Adventurous. Competent. Proud of himself, and actually wants and works towards that future. He's a strong Koopa. Parakarry as well. Parakarry is a loyal, hard-worker. A great Paratroopa.

Of course, I admire and like all of Koopa Kingdom's Troopas the most. Those are the best set of Koopas. Selfless and courageous. And they do not side with the genocidal plumber.

And, of course, I like myself, my siblings (, and my father. We all work hard to complete our goals. I like that goal-oriented attitude. Koops? He doesn't even have it!

Koops is perhaps the worst of the plumber's partners, only being better than Flurrie. Goombella is better. The Yoshi Kid is better. So are Vivian, and Admiral Bobbery, and Ms. Mowz. In personality. In usefulness. ...In really any comparable way.

If Paper Mario had a choice between only having partners like Koops, or being like Paper Mario: Color Splash, I believe the correct answer is clear. Whatever avoids this:

Koops coward Koopa Pajama Boy Paper Mario The Thousand Year Door KoopaTV coffee mug Ethan Krupp morph
Koops is the ultimate loser.

Ludwig has been hating Koops since 2004. What do you think about him? Do you prefer your Koopas to be witty, loyal, or useful? Or do you like cowardly, incompetent, and scatter-brained fools? Let KoopaTV know in the comments! KoopaTV is the official website of Koopa Kingdom, and has little patience for traitors.

There are other low-life weaklings that Ludwig has enough contempt for to write a hate-article about, such as Hau of Alola.
Koops isn't the only traitorous Koopa to receive the ire of Koopa Kingdom: The Koopa Bros. are included.


  1. Wow, reddit has a topic for everything:

    Also that feel when you hate a popular character *glares at main character of fake Disney game series*

    1. Thanks for... not really having anything to say about this article.

    2. I'm slacking with the rewards program, I know. I am just overwhelmed with too many things in my life now.

    3. I've been slacking on updating the score sheet. :O

  2. Is it merely a coincidence that Koops spelled backwards is Spook? I think not. It is simply further evidence of how much a coward Koops really is.

    1. ...I dunno, maybe having your name be Spook means you're supposed to be scaring other people.

      ...There are those called BOOs, after all.

  3. Koops started off as a coward. When you keep him around you'll notice that he grows into a better person travelling alongside Mario and he's confident, witty and happy by the end of their adventure. Koops has a rare case of "character development". Maybe you should look into what those words mean before you t alk s**t about the best Koopa-partner.

    1. Here's my response to your substance:
      (or just scroll up)

      Now, as for your style? You clearly identify with Koops, and want to defend him because you see yourself in him. Koops is a coward, and so are you, for trying to shit-comment my site anonymously. Sure, I go out of my way to ALLOW it, but that doesn't mean I have to respect it.

    2. Actually, I'm just too lazy to make an account just to shut you down. But if you wanna know me, I'm WingedTank from DeviantART and Tumblr and I won't waste my time with your mindless drabble anymore. So if you wanna mess with me, go on ahead. I'm just not making an account on a website hosting such mean-spirited tat.

      Identifying with a character is not a mistake, though I do not identify with Koops. I just find him an interesting and decent character. I find it awful of you to judge a character because they are simply more timid and softspoken. You are tearing away at them for their nature and gentle heart. You are digging too deep trying to find any possible thing to rip at that Koopa with who is, mind you, fictional.

      You go as far as to say he looks slouched? Remember that every Koopa has a slouched appearance to them, or are you talking about Koops's sicklish and pale appearance? He's overcome a childhood sickness as stated in the italian (and also Japanese as it's rumored, but I cannot confirm) translation of the game. I'll stick with my argument that when you keep Koops around, you'll notice changes in his speech-patterns and behavior. He is still gentle and timid and doesn't drop his occasional "Um/Uh", but the change in dialogue and non-verbal clues is still noticable.

      Nearing the end of the game Koops waddles into the deepest pits of the most terrifying castle owned by a bloodthirsty, all-powerful demon without a word. So how can you call him a coward? Not to mention, without Koops you wouldn't get past Chapter 1, which only shows you how much impact the character caused even if you don't like his softspoken nature. He did so much for you and Mario and here you are treating him like rubbish. Even if the character is fictional, it's disrespectful for people that DO identify with Koops.

      I assume that you had some kind of conflict in the past. Some kind of person being terrible and mean to you, or somebody that broke your heart, that had a similar nature or appearance to Koops. A trauma that caused you to transfer it all onto him.

      Your mindless and frankly rather creepy hatred for Koops reminds me of my hatred for Amy Rose. Though my hatred for Amy is quite justified because she is abusive, selfish, rude and I could write a detailed essay five times longer than yours about why she is 500 times more awful than Koops and by extension, people complaining about fictional characters online.

    3. There's no account you have to make. >_>
      You could've picked Name/Url.
      Anyway, glad you think writing a mini-essay isn't wasting your time. :)

      No one said it would be a mistake.
      I don't think it's awful of me to judge someone by their characteristics and actions. What else am I supposed to judge them on? Unless you're one of those "well, we shouldn't judge anyone!" types, but if that's the case, you already judged this site, so that wouldn't be consistent.

      I do not believe that Koops has a gentle heart. See the screenshot where he is posing nefariously at the death of another Koopa.

      Also, I included Kooper side-by-side to Koops to demonstrate that, no, not every Koopa stands like Koops. Kooper is proud, and his posture reflects that. Koops is not, and his posture reflects that as well.

      I totally do admit that whenever I played TTYD, I never kept Koops around for cutscenes. But at least in the non-variable game script, he's pretty much the same.

      I stuck him into that castle without hearing his word 'cause I didn't let him out to hear his words. I dunno if that's a sign of bravery or him being brought around against his will.

      Koops has never done a thing for me. I'd be totally fine if that plumber never got the Crystal Stars. King Dad was trying to get them, too! If not for Koops, then Bowser might've been the one to gather them!

      You're free to make that assumption, but I can't confirm or deny it because I can't take an objective view of my history.

      Anyway, we'd actually like for you to write that detailed essay about Amy Rose as a guest post for KoopaTV. You're free to even make judgments about this site, since it wouldn't be the first time we've published a guest post that bashes our own site.

      Please consider it. :)

    4. I'm not interested.

    5. See, not being interested isn't fun for anyone.

  4. You misspelled "Koopa" throughout the entire article. I am angered.

    1. Blame Rawk. He was my QA department.

      Fun fact: I use "Koopa" in this article about the same number of times I use "Koops".

    2. I can always smile knowing Rawk is being blamed.

    3. I guess if you blame Rawk for all of your problems, you'll always be smiling?

      Personally, I like to blame President Barack Hussein Obama.

  5. (。•́︿•̀。)



      Certainly not limited to just Koops. ...And his life would matter basically the least of any Koopa.

    2. Hmmmm it’s just my opinion

    3. Womp womp :(

    4. Did any of the circumstances described in this article change because of the Switch remake?


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