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Thursday, May 31, 2018

The Koopa Bros. Have Been Compromised By Nintendo Labo

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - There aren't bad bananas in every bunch, but for this bunch? Yeah. Bad.

Remember the Koopa Bros.? They starred in Paper Mario. ...I also wrote about the Koopa Bros. just last week, so yeah, you better remember them. I compared them favourably to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, who now have the distinction of being the subject of an article five weeks in a row. Can we get rid of these guys?

...Can we also get rid of the Koopa Bros.? KoopaTV has been investigating the incident where “TROJAN BOWSER”, posing as King Bowser Koopa, declared the end of KoopaTV in favour of a new site, LaboTV. We concluded that the Nintendo Labo itself was behind this corrosive activity — anything made of cardboard is susceptible to the Labo's control.

The best way to avoid having your constructed cardboard turn rogue is to avoid constructing cardboard to begin with. But why did TROJAN BOWSER exist at all? Well, through our investigations, we've found out that the Koopa Bros. created the cardboard TROJAN BOWSER — in a completely unauthorised action.

Paper Mario Trojan Bowser boss costume destroyed Koopa Bros.
The Koopa Bros. even lied to the enemy about King Bowser's opinion on TROJAN BOWSER.
(He never saw it, so he never loved it. Also, I don't trust double exclamation points.)

This stupid and reckless behaviour on the part of the Koopa Bros. is one example of a pattern. Recall that Black Ninja Koopa wrote a guest article that unreasonably criticised KoopaTV based on racial politics. Totally uncalled for, and an actually-black person described the article as “shit” in the comments section. Obviously, the Koopa Bros. are working against the interests of Koopa Kingdom.

Paper Mario Bowser Princess Peach's Castle after Goomba King defeated Koopa Bros. Star Spirit
The Koopa Bros. don't even do their jobs. Are they colluding with Mario to weaken Koopa security?
(Caveat: I trust double exclamation points if they come from King Bowser.)

These naturally rebellious idiots (King Bowser's description; see above picture) are the perfect targets of the Nintendo Labo. Like the primary audience, children, they're weak-willed, stupid, and manipulable.

You could argue that it's not the fault of the Koopa Bros. that the Labo made their creation, TROJAN BOWSER, act against the interests of Koopa Kingdom. They didn't know that the Labo was going to do that. Even if they weren't supposed to construct TROJAN BOWSER at all, how could they predict that kind of consequence?

All I have to say is that karma is a bitch.

There's also the fact that the Koopa Bros. did nothing to stop TROJAN BOWSER once it went rogue. That means they either didn't care or didn't notice what TROJAN BOWSER was up to, are extremely incompetent if they actually tried to stop it but failed miserable, or were complicit with the Labo and were working with it from the beginning. None of those are desirable traits in good minions.

Therefore, I take back anything good I've said about the Koopa Bros. They're dead to me. No amount of ninja trickery will make up for what they've done.

The best way to stop the Nintendo Labo from ruining your relationships with others is to not construct any cardboard projects, and to not buy the Nintendo Labo. Destroy cardboard if you see it. This could've been an Enlightenment Movement article, but since it doesn't provide one word about Mario being bad and is only about King Bowser's (ex-)minions sucking, that would be a bit inappropriate.

The next article from KoopaTV against Nintendo Labo is here, providing detailed information about the third Toy-Con kit.
The Koopa Bros. Fortress is one reason why the Labo was interested in them.


  1. Let me remind everyone that Ludwig has always preferred Pirates over Ninjas, hence the greater surprise when he covered the entirety of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Splatfest.


    1. If the Koopa Bros. were pirates and they did this, they'd still be dead to me.

    2. Not like Ludwig had a choice. He is lucky the NA region did not get the Gherkin on Burgers Splatfest as he would have been forced to talk about burgers somewhat positively when he was firmly on Team Pizza.

    3. Alternatively, I'm lucky not to live in Europe.

      (For that and several other reasons.)

      I guess after Team Pizza and Team Burger and the Pineapple on Pizza Splatfest, they had to have a burger equivalent sometime.


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