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Friday, May 25, 2018

Cappy Invading the United Kingdom and the Royal Wedding!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - And Vortexica is in danger. ...Again. ...Again.

A disadvantage to being royal is that you're obligated to keep tabs on all of the other royal families out there. That unfortunately includes the British Royal Family (house of Windsor). They're important in particular because Queen Elizabeth II hates us, after Koopa Kingdom annexed Alberta and mocked her. That hatred could fester into something bad for Koopa Kingdom at any time.

This week, one of Queen Elizabeth II's grandsons, Prince Harry, had a Royal Wedding with someone named Meghan Markle. Now that she's married, she's “Meghan, Duchess of Sussex.” I can't say I particularly care about any of this, but a lot of people throughout the world of Earth gave a big deal of attention to this... and it turns out, someone who isn't from Earth, too. A hostile alien. Someone who shouldn't be around Earth, but has been for some time now.

Cappy the Bonneter. Yes, that Cappy. The one that teamed up with Mario to crash the Royal Wedding between King Bowser Koopa and Princess Peach Toadstool.

I can say I particularly care about all of that.

Here's Cappy caught on camera in two pictures:

Cappy invading Royal Wedding United Kingdom Great Britain Prince Harry fangirls marry me shirts BBC
You can see Cappy on some suspicious-looking dude in the background of these BBC interviews with these jealous Prince Harry fangirls.
Image credits: Left picture by Jonathan Sanchez. Right picture by Enchanting Dan. (We actually got permission to use these from both!)

Two pictures from different angles from two different unrelated people prove that this was a legitimate event that occurred. What we do not know is what exactly Cappy accomplished or was trying to accomplish at the Windsor Royal Wedding. We also have no information on who the guy who was wearing the cap even is, or what the original red hat he must have had was.


However, just the presence of Cappy is enough to be greatly concerned. At the very start of 2018, you may remember I wrote an article about how Cappy was plaguing the Metro Kingdom, which makes the knife-and-Jihadist-infested United Kingdom comparatively a lot safer. You should read that entire article because the article you're reading now will have a lot more context (and because it's a great article), but specifically, I said:
“There isn't a Bonneter presence in the United Kingdom, unlike the other kingdoms. At least... not yet...”
We don't know if Cappy read the article and saw that as a challenge, or if Cappy just independently determined that the United Kingdom is the next logical step in his Earth conquest.

Either way, this puts our UK correspondent, Vortexica, in grave danger. To be honest, we haven't seen him around in over two months now. We've tried to not mention that to the public, but there's a reason that he was the only staffer to not participate in the Bannaniversary.

Vortexica offline 10 days Nintendo Switch friend list
Offline for ten days... oh no...

We've known that Vortex has been alive because he has been playing The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild a lot (over 600 hours doing what?) on the Nintendo Switch, and it tells you when a friend has last been around. But as of right now, he hasn't been online in over a week... since before the Royal Wedding. (Why can't the Switch have communication features?!)

Now, just because Cappy was spotted during the Royal Wedding doesn't mean he arrived in the United Kingdom on that day. He would've showed up several days prior... or perhaps even weeks or months beforehand. We did see Cappy last month in the United States during the Nintendo Labo launch, but there isn't an alibi for the whole month of May.

At this point, we don't know if Vortex is alive, or if Cappy is still in the United Kingdom. Cappy ultimately made no effort to crash the Royal Wedding, but that could be because it may actually be friends with the British Royal Family. After all, both Cappy and Queen Elizabeth II don't like us. Cappy could easily be trying another, more alliance-based approach compared to its failed attempt to disrupt the PyeongChang 2018 Olympic Winter Games, and its greater strategy to initiate nuclear war in the Korean Peninsula seems to have also failed, judging by tensions there easing over the year. (...That may be speaking too soon.)

We hope to see our colleague before E3 2018 begins (a little over two weeks away!), and at the very least, we hope he's alive. To think that his biggest problem was Radical Islam just a year ago...


The greatest threat to the world right now is Cappy. Koopa Kingdom has enormous resource difficulties when Cappy and Mario are separated and independently creating mischief. KoopaTV may have to rescue Vortexica from his UK correspondent assignment and remove him from Earth entirely to Koopa Kingdom, where it is relatively safer. At least, until Mario attacks it again. If you have any more information on the current whereabouts of Cappy (or Vortex), you are asked to please make them known in the comments section. It may be better to express them in private, in which case you can contact KoopaTV at info(at)koopatv(dot)org. No one on the staff is interested on what you think about the actual wedding or relationship between Harry and Meghan.


A year ago, KoopaTV wrote about how Vortex went missing due to Radical Islamic Terrorism.
For a summary of Vortexica's experiences in the United Kingdom with traditional terrorism, read his write-up here.
Europe's general dangerousness is expanded upon in the very next article.
Vortexica remains missing over a month later, and the photo source, Jonathan Sanchez, has also disappeared. KoopaTV believes Vortex is dead.

2 comments :

  1. I was actually considering making a request for you to do the Royal Wedding. Not the one in the U.K., but the one held after Bowser's Kingdom (it's been months since the game released, is that still spoilers?).

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