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Monday, May 7, 2018

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Splatfest Part 2: Michelangelo vs. Donatello!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - I'm still sighing, but we DO have an exclusive, timely photograph to go along with this.

If you participated in Round 1 of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Splatoon 2 that was last weekend, you ought to go and collect your Super Sea Snails. Right now. Before Tuesday morning. Or they'll go away, because Off the Hook will announce the next Splatfest: Round 2. Yes, I'm writing this article before Off the Hook officially announces the Splatfest, but I know what they'll say anyway.

Splatoon 2 Splatfest Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles TMNT Mikey vs. Donnie Michelangelo Donatello
No Off the Hook commentary,
just the cringe-worthy official artwork of Michelangelo vs. Donatello from Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Pearl will side with Mikey, and Marina will side with Donnie.

And like Round 1 where I sided with Leonardo (and lost — we'll talk more about that in Round 3's article) and got shoved to Marina's team, I'll be siding with Marina again with Team Donatello as my preferred Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. I can explain!

I found a lot to identify with Leonardo. Similarly, I have a lot I can identify with Donatello.

To sum it up, Michelangelo is the surfer dude immature party boy. Donatello does machines.

I want to help you recall what I was known for some decades back. I was simultaneously a musical genius, a prolific inventor, a sadist, the oldest and leader of the Koopalings, and an all-around talented and smart guy.

Kooky von Koopa operating machine Super Mario Bros. 3 cartoon mad genius inventor
Look! I'm operating a machine that I invented, while stunning the world with dashingly good looks.
I was the complete package.

Now? I can't even carry a tune, I'm anti-science, I'm a generous humanitarian, I'm allegedly not even Bowser's child, and I'm an all-around idiot who can't even properly manage a five-year old website. (Anniversary coming this week!)

I'm not saying that Donatello is now the opposite of everything he was compared to when the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were first in existence (though maybe he is — I'm not researching this that much). I just have something notable in common with Donatello, while I don't like Michelangelo at all.

Also, purple is a much better colour than orange. That's just a fact. Plus, I'm uncomfortable supporting Michelangelo when the guy legally changed his name from “Michaelangelo” to “Michelangelo”. I don't trust people who do things like that. You're born with a name. Stick with it. Scream to defend it!

Anyway, since both this Splatfest article and the Round 1 Splatfest article are dedicated to me moping about myself, I'm going to bring something other than my own experiences as a deciding factor. 

This morning, President Donald John Trump tweeted this about the West Virginia Republican senate primary tomorrow (Tuesday):

Who is Don Blankenship? His Wikipedia article calls him out for being a convicted criminal. Blankenship was the corrupt CEO of Massey Energy Company, a now-defunct mining company, and he is a Republican donor. He was convicted of conspiring to undermine safety standards, leading to the deaths of 29 people at Upper Big Branch Mine in West Virginia. His own campaign website has literally the worst “About” section I've ever read. How can anyone read that and think, “I want this guy to be my next senator!”

Don Blankenship reminds me a lot of Mike Lindell, inventor of MyPillow. His website's “About” section doesn't even exist yet (which is still better than Blankenship's), but his whole story is all about how his life was nothing but a series of terrible decisions, such as becoming such an addict of crack cocaine, that his own drug dealers colluded into refusing to sell him anymore; having a bad car accident (and motorcycle accident, and skydiving accident); getting divorced; and losing his house. Like Blankenship, Mike Lindell then became a CEO of an at-one-point successful but controversial company, and is strongly affiliated with the Republican Party.

Mike Lindell and Don Blankenship also look pretty similar, and what do you know? You could nickname them Mikey and Donnie.

In fact, KoopaTV has exclusively obtained an alternate version of the Mikey vs. Donnie artwork you see up above. Take a look:


Mike Lindell Don Blankenship KoopaTV Splatfest Mikey vs. Donnie TMNT Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles MyPillow Massey Energy
...I... honestly don't know who to choose from between Mikey Lindell and Donnie Blankenship.

Since Mikey Lindell and Donnie Blankenship more or less cancel each other out, my vote for this Saturday's Splatfest still goes to Team Donatello!


In all likelihood, Ludwig thinks that Marina's team will probably lose again because Marina is a useless idiot. That aside, what do you think of Ludwig's points about Michelangelo and Donatello? Do you think that Ludwig is too hard on himself... or is he not hard enough? The comments section is yours to comment on. Also, to any West Virginian reading this: Please don't vote for Don Blankenship. Voting for Donnie the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle is fine in terms of Splatoon 2, but not in terms of the United States Senate.



This isn't the first time a West Virginian Republican politician has been associated with a turtle or a tortoise — meet governor Jim Justice's Torkoal form!
Mike Lindell was previously featured in KoopaTV artwork before, but it was his body and not his face, in the form of Mikirby Lindell.
Donatello managed to win the Splatfest, and Blankenship lost the election. Now it's the final round!

11 comments :

  1. I'll go ahead and side with Team Donatello since I do not care either way, but if we lose this round, then I will choose the opposite of your pick for the final round.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If Donatello loses, then you will side with Raphael, because I will side with Michelangelo.

      Delete
  2. It was a good thing you did not wait for the announcement. It really did not have much to offer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And, thanks to this article, Don Blankenship has officially lost the West Virginia primary!

      Delete
    2. Just saw the Off the Hook segment. Pearl literally made no effort to advocate for Mikey.

      Delete
    3. Meanwhile Marina got the chance to reference the earlier live action movies.

      Delete
    4. It's one of the rare times where Marina actually succeeded in her Splatfest debates.

      Perhaps a higher power doesn't want Pearl to win both rounds 1 and 2.

      Delete
    5. Don apparently is less popular so they are hoping the high win rate of less popular teams will pull through for Marina.

      Has Marina even won a NA Splatfest without winning popularity? Oh yeah it was Team Comedy and Japan took part in that Splatfest too so basically Japan won for Marina.

      Delete
    6. It's clear that popular teams can absolutely have good win rates in Splatoon 2. Marina theoretically doesn't need Popularity as a crutch. She's taken advantage of it until now, but it doesn't have to be that way.

      Not sure that it's true that Don is less popular than Mikey. Probably, but we'll see.

      Delete
    7. I was right about Don being less popular.

      Delete
    8. "
      Has Marina even won a NA Splatfest without winning popularity?"

      Well, that happened for this!

      Delete

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