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Wednesday, March 11, 2015


By RAWKHAWK2010 - A simple philosophy.

few weeks ago, something happened called CPAC (Conservative Political Action Conference). Ludwig would know more about that than me, but I do know Phil Robertson was there, and Phil Robertson is an alright dude. He knows the value of Southern culture -- not the yuppie, carpetbag culture you're probably familiar with (aka indoor swimming pools, dog sled racing, and not waving at neighbors), but something with a little more heart. One that embodies things like faith, family, and grocery chains with silly names. (That first thing I could take or leave, but the third gets me more excited than fired ex-staffer YoshiRider123 at the eShop update screen.)

Duck Dynasty 3DS may be on eShop, but good ol' Southern values can't be bought!

Here at KoopaTV, our appreciation for the Duck Dynasty patriarch has always run deep and for good reason. Firstly because he embodies a virtue that KoopaTV holds above all others -- character -- which has survived despite enormous efforts from the Miyamotos of the PC World ("Political Correctness", not this) seeking to turn Phil into a dialogue-depraven Sticker Star drone. And secondly because there are direct parallels to be drawn between the life of Phil Robertson and KoopaTV itself, notably that time when he, us, and anyone following our lead were ALL ducks being hunted by the fascists on the Left, simply because we held some experimental, untested ideas that didn't quite hold up under peer review. With Phil it was for saying vaginas were objectively better than anuses, and with us it was for saying free speech (not the amendment to be begrudgingly followed, but the idea to be enthusiastically pursued) was objectively better than eternal censorship + suspension of habeas corpus. You know, in the form of NeoGAF moderators declaring war on Best PC Game of 2013 Trayvon Tyson's Punch-Out!!, despite it being adored by those who actually played and completed it. (Or more recently in the form of Twitterers waging war on Donkey Kong Goes Country, which was adored by no one but we still defend Ludwig's right to sing because that's the KoopaTV way.)

And even if Phil's CPAC tangents on genital herpes similarly went unadored (by us and...everyone else), we similarly defend and encourage his right to say whatever he wants as long as its main purpose is to facilitate discussion and not shut everyone else up. Because here at KoopaTV we stress giving platforms to as many dudes of different creeds as possible, which is why among the five full-time KoopaTV staffers, there's Christianity, Judaism, secularism, AND someone who at least dresses like a Muslim. (See, inclusiveness can be fun as long as humor and character isn't sacrificed for it!)
So with all that said, #IStandWithPhils. That's right, Phils, because there's another Phil who needs a platform here at KoopaTV -- Microsoft's Phil Spencer*.

*Not actually a picture of Microsoft's Phil Spencer, because this picture of British Media Personality Phil Spencer looked cooler.

"Supporting Microsoft? On KoopaTV? WHAAAAAAAAT?!" Yeah yeah, I know, but this isn't about Microsoft in general. This is about Rare, man. Thanks to Don Mattrick being dipped into a vat of hot wax as punishment for his E3 2013 sins, Kinect is largely a thing of yesteryear and 2015 is at last Rare's time to shine. From the Eurogamer interview:

Phil Spencer: We know it's their 30th anniversary. I can say that. And Rare's a very special studio, and I think I said a couple of months ago that I got to play the prototype they had for their new game.

Gregg Mayles [veteran Rare designer] is someone I've a tonne of respect for. We recognise that it's their 30th year. And that's an important time - without giving away too much.

Is it time to celebrate their heritage?

Phil Spencer: I think it is.

So yeah, Phil thinks it's time to celebrate Rare's heritage. This means Battletoads, undoubtedly, but perhaps Rare will also have another major thing to reveal if certain "insider" sources are to be believed. Specifically, we may be seeing the official return of Banjo, and combined with upcoming spiritual Banjo successors in the forms of Playtonic's Project Ukelele and Lefthanded Games' Lobodestroyo, the timing of such a triple threat could be either really good or really bad. Good because the three studios could potentially inspire, motivate, and compete with one another to propel their respective projects to new heights, or bad because the existence of non-Rare substitutes will give people free reign to continue hating Rare as if nothing has changed. (And then plebeians like JonTron will continue getting rich and that's bad.)

Whatever the case, I stand with this Phil too. He may not be able to measure a boy's psychological growth in terms of mayhaw berries, but so far he's at least done enough for Rare to get the Tepid Seat brought back (which ends with a question from yours truly! <3 ), and I trust him to ride this wave to the finish. ...Even if I was kind of looking forward to making another AMV for Kinect Sports 4:

As for other Phils we stand with, there's Microsoft's Phil Harrison who says the new Rare game is most certainly smile-inducing (Look, words of strong faith from two Rare-associated Phils! Two!) and of course British Media Personality Phil Spencer for providing his suave picture a few paragraphs up. As for Phils we don't stand with, there's Dr. Phil for sharing an uncanny resemblance with Florida state prosecutor and known-doer of courtroom misconduct, Bernie de la Rionda, as well as Philip IV of France for starting the Hundred Years' War. (Actually, we don't really care, we just wanted to blame him for something.)

Oh yeah, and Philips -- makers of Link: The Faces of Evil and Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon -- leaves us hopelessly conflicted. But if you were to offer me a Duck Dynasty CD-i? Chronicling the Russian-animated adventures of Phil Robertson after he wakes up and wonders what GLAAD is up to?

I guess I better get going!

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