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Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Mario: Racist Oppressor! Cow Hater!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - See his cow policy at Moo Moo Meadows.

MARCH 10 has been deemed "MAR10 Day" for years. It was basically a holiday back at the old Nintendo NSider Forums. If we are shaming the governments of Earth for manipulating one hour of the year, then we should shame that plumber and his corporate sponsors for manipulating an entire day!

Yours truly, the prince of Koopa Kingdom, went ahead and performed an undercover investigation (and then a raid) on Moo Moo Meadows. It turns out that Moo Moo Meadows is hiding a deep, multi-coloured secret... of racism.

We got pictures. ...And we know who is behind it! 

Mario Kart 8 Moo Moo Meadows Mario Kart Wii
A cute chocolate cow... Behind the fence?

Mario Kart 8 Moo Moo Meadows Mario Kart Wii black cow
Another chocolate cow! ...Also behind the fence?

Well, our investigation has found two differently-coloured chocolate cows (that give different consistencies of chocolate milk — it's a fact, look it up) behind the fences on the pasture. Well, that's how it should be, right? That's where most of the grass is!

Moo Moo Meadows management also allows some cows to walk on the road for the people to hug them. This is very popular, as evidenced by the coins littered everywhere on the road from people paying for the privilege.

Ludwig Von Koopa cow Mario Kart 8
♥ the cows. They're so cute!

Moo Moo Meadows fence cows
Wait, there is something wrong...
We keep seeing the chocolate cows behind fences.

Chocolate black cow Moo Moo Meadows
Could it be...?
But... where are the vanilla cows? And... the chocolate cows get to get hugs too, right?

Mario Kart 8 Moo Moo Meadows Wii cows white obstacles
"Separate but equal".

My investigation quickly noticed that only the vanilla cows were available to be hugged. I asked one of the Toads about it, but boy were they elusive.
It became clear to me that something bad was going on with the Moo Moos of Moo Moo Meadows. The vanilla cows were allowed to graze freely anywhere on the farm, but the chocolate cows were restricted to designated, fenced-off areas. It also appeared like the grass on the road-side of the fence divide was actually better-quality! This segregation triggered my inner sense of... justice!

Mario Kart 8 Ludwig Von Koopa glider Moo Moo Meadows

So I had a liberation plan: To free the chocolate-coloured cows from the Moo Moo Meadows management! Sort of inspired by the Earthling John Brown's raid on Harpers Ferry, and probably equally insane and ill-thought out. My plan was to fly in on my Koopa Kingdom-issued paraglider and then knock out the Toad managers. I also would break down the oppressive fences and lead the cows to freedom! The chocolate cows might even join me in my raid and rebel from the tyrannical Toads!

Lakitu rescues Ludwig Von Koopa Mario Kart 8
The Lakitu taskmasters flew in my way! Sorry, Moo Moo!

Of course, they guard the Moo Moos with Lakitus. ...And you'd think the Lakitus would be on MY side! How dare you turn against your prince?! Someone must be behind this blatant act of treason! Why would Lakitu betray me? Who is the real mastermind?!

Mario Kart 8 Moo Moo Meadows scenery Toads windmill farm farmhouse barn
The Toads overseeing this peculiar institution.

I called to the Toads and demanded their death, but they don't seem like the masterminds behind it. It's clear they manage the day-to-day operations of Moo Moo Meadows, sure, but who is profiting from it?

That's when I saw it.

Farm truck Mario Kart 8 Wii Moo Moo Meadows
Look at that truck! LOOK AT ITS INSIGNIA!

That truck is branded with that plumber's signature logo. HE'S the one profiting from it!

It turns out that the proceeds of Moo Moo Meadows line that fat plumber's overall pockets. And it turns out that the segregation based on skin colour is also the plumber's idea.

By the way, the plumber himself was not in that truck. If you look closely, it has no driver. However, it is still moving! ...Well, isn't that disturbing? They force the chocolate cows to be in the same area as an unmanned dangerous truck! What if the truck goes slightly awry and then goes for the cows? The cows are fenced in! They can't escape! Only the chocolate cows have to fear this event on a constant basis, not the vanilla cows!

This is not separate but equal! This is DISCRIMINATION!

Mario Kart 8 Moo Moo Meadows Wii blue Toad background
I don't give a damn about the Lakitu! CHARGE!

Evading the iron rods of the Lakitu taskmasters, I charged in once more. FOR LIBERTY! FOR JUSTICE!

Mario Kart 8 blue Toad background sizing Moo Moo Meadows glider collision
...He was much bigger than I thought.

I blacked out after I charged into the (apparently massive) Toad, and woke up by a lake. I haven't talked about this on KoopaTV (I don't think?) but I actually have vision problems. One symptom of that is that I can't see the Nintendo 3DS's stereoscopic 3D. Another is that I have trouble seeing things clearly at long distances. Yet another, according to KoopaTV staff members, is that I have trouble seeing subtle colour differences. (For the record, I see the dress as white and gold.) I also can't tell the difference between 720p and 1080p, though I'm not sure many other people can.

So apparently another issue with my vision that I did not know about is size perception. Like, you see the two pictures of me vs. that blue Toad above. Does it not look like I am totally bigger than the Toad in the first picture?! Well, THAT'S HOW I SEE IT! Maybe your eyes clearly think I'm crazy.

To this day, Moo Moo Meadows is still segregated based on skin colour. And it pains me as a cow lover. If the chocolate cows and the vanilla cows could just integrate with one another, who knows what may happen! New friendships! Diverse thinking and ideas!

But no, bigots like Mario and his Toad managers prevent harmony between cows. Bigots like Mario believe that not all cows are created equal, and cast vanilla cows as a higher caste than their chocolate brethren. The caste that allows freedom of choice and assembly vs. the lower caste of restriction and bondage. It's disgusting and I am absolutely opposed to it.

Add this to the many reasons why I do not celebrate MAR10 Day.

Super Smash Bros. For Wii U Ludwig Von Koopa Clown Car drill Mario
“I REJECT MAR10 Day! I do not celebrate a day dedicated to a disgusting, evil man!”

Ludwig has been proclaiming his red-hatted enemy to be evil since over a decade ago on the Nintendo NSider Forums, and continues the fight on KoopaTV and Miiverse, where you can follow him at NNID PrinceOfKoopas. He is also a huge lover of cows, where he has become something of a bovine-bewitched legend on the Pokémon simulator Pokémon Online, to the point where people greet him with "moo" and the local Indians worship him.

A guest-poster accuses KoopaTV of not having enough sensitivity with blacks.
This article about Mewtwo and the IRS is written similarly to this one.
Mario also kills cows to manufacture the boots he uses to kill Koopas.
March 10, 2017: When Mario isn't enslaving cows, he's conspiring with the CIA to assassinate people.
Ludwig continues to side with cows and dairy products, including ice cream.
Cows are to be defended, alongside certain turtle species, in the fight to keep global warming.
Mario apparently got his anti-cow bigotry from Yoshi.
March 10, 2019: MAR10 coincides with Daylight Savings Time day, but that's no coincidence.
Ludwig wishes to keep the Miltank safe from being eaten by Galarian omnivores.
Mario can do all of the farm work by himself, due to him splitting up into many forms at once.
Chocolate milk comes from chocolate cows, but milk chocolate comes from milk chocolate cows.


  1. "Does it not look like I am totally bigger than the Toad in the first picture?!"
    To me it actually looks like that you're the same size as Toad which means that Toad is larger to you since you're not right next to him.

    1. "Maybe your eyes clearly think I'm crazy."

      ...Guess I'm prophetic on reader opinions.

    2. Well, your eyebrows are blocking a small bit of your eyes.

    3. I mean, Lowen from Fire Emblem can still manage to see.
      And he looks like this:

      So a little eyebrow shouldn't be my issue!

      (Hey look I referenced a non-Tellius Fire Emblem game.)

    4. Well, if I'm not mistaken he's human and you're not. His hair is blocking his eyes but humans barely have any hair when they're a baby. And you're a Koopa so your eyebrow could have been blocking a small portion of your eye for your entire life.

    5. W-Well, how significant do you think that blocked part is?


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