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Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Mewtwo Strikes Back... Against the IRS!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - My subversive fantasies...

April 15 is a significant day. For young Nintendo fans, it is a day of glory as them purchasing both Super Smash Bros. For 3DS and Super Smash Bros. For Wii U has paid off. 

Mewtwo DLC Club Nintendo e-mail Super Smash Bros. For Wii U 3DS 4 code eShop
My 3DS code is still unused so it's redacted.

For the rest of the United States, it is a day of terror as the only ones being paid off are the thugs at the Internal Revenue Service. These are dangerous people that have a history of targeting innocent Americans with nasty audits. The proper path forward for America is to abolish the IRS and the tax code and replace it with the FAIRtax.

But in the meantime, we're left with Mewtwo and taxes. One thing that the United States does is that they tax United States citizens on income they have earned abroad, even if they're living abroad and have been taxed already by a foreign country. Sorta sucks, right? Well, as we all know, KoopaTV has its headquarters out in Sierra Leone yet the United States still taxes us for some reason. In fact, the IRS has targeted KoopaTV for whatever reason! Why would they do that? We don't even make money.

What will we do?! ...Maybe this new Mewtwo dude can help...

Ludwig Mewtwo Mii Fighters Super Smash Bros. For Wii U IRS Lois Lerner
"Mewtwo, help! The IRS is trying to
steal my wealth by the force of a gun!
Stop 'em!" - Ludwig

It looks like it's me and this mysterious Mewtwo fella in my mansion. 'cause of course I have a mansion, but I'm too stingy to buy KoopaTV a domain name. ...And to buy KoopaTV an office in a first-world country.

At that moment earlier today, I was looking directly at an invading IRS Minion (who clearly has a gun) and IRS director Lois Lerner (I thought she resigned from the IRS!), known for illegally targeting conservative-leaning groups and then covering it up. Oh, and she claims to have lost e-mails regarding it. (Maybe they got moved to Hillary's private server and then were deleted there.) Whatever happened, they were clearly being intimidating.

KoopaTV is Fair & Balanced, but I guess they still see us as a conservative group to target.

IRS Minion Ludwig Von Koopa Super Smash Bros. For Wii U screenshot agent photo Mii Gunner
"You're comin' wit' me.
We're gonna audit yo' whole history!" - IRS Minion

The IRS Minion had me lookin' at the wrong end of his gun! I had too many "Trayvon Tyson's Take-Out!!"s and felt kind of sick. Where the heck is Mewtwo?! I can't defend myself! If only I had a gun on me, then I could learn the lesson of Defend Anita Sarkeesian, which you should play here after you're done reading this article. Anyway, I was defenseless and sick and this IRS Minion wanted to audit me whether I wanted it or not. And not just for Fiscal Year 2014, no, but for my whole lifetime!

They'll know I avoided paying sales taxes in the Nintendo eShop! Help! Anyone?!

And so, my saviour arrived.

Mewtwo DLC Super Smash Bros. For Wii U coin mode screen shot screenshot photo picture
"Stop, human scum!
Master Ludwig, take the money and run!
I'll hold off these agents!" - Mewtwo

Mewtwo was willing to deal with the IRS guys on my behalf while I could evacuate my mansion. He sounds pretty awesome, actually. Glad I befriended this guy.

Mewtwo forward throw Super Smash Bros. For Wii U picture photo screenshot
"You will regret the day you came here, minion." - Mewtwo

So I watched as Mewtwo was making that IRS Minion regret his choice of occupation. Really, all an IRS agent's job is is just data entry but with a sense of psychotic power over your fellow citizens. You can at least do data entry anywhere, if that's where you get your thrills. Heck, if you wanna do menial data entry for KoopaTV, we have stuff you could do for us.

So I got all the cash laying around and... drove off.

Mewtwo Super Smash Bros. For Wii U DLC Luigi's Mansion coin mode screenshot
"Don't let 'em tax my estate, either!
You're the best, Mewtwo!" - Ludwig

Yes, one thing the IRS can tax is your estate. There are state and local property taxes, but the IRS can and does tax the value of your estate and its assets when you die, instead of allowing all of it to cleanly go to your heirs. That's why it's also called the "death tax", and the United States Congress almost got rid of it, but former Democrat Louisiana senator Mary Landrieu lied about her commitment to eliminating it (which is why she's no longer the senator there)! Maybe they can get rid of it during this session.

...So, uh, there was a chance I could've died from this IRS altercation, so I definitely did not want this beautiful mansion of mine to get taxed. And KoopaTV would become a government-sponsored entity afterwards! Maybe. If it's anything of value to the government, they could seize it. And believe you me, there will no longer be any Truth or Levity afterwards in a government-owned KoopaTV, since this is the IRS's idea of funny:

Gross stuff. And they apparently spent $60,000 on making that video. Anyway, continuing with the story. We're almost done.

Lois Lerner IRS director Mii Super Smash Bros. For Wii U Mewtwo coin mode tax
"I plead the ffiiiifth!" - Lois Lerner

After dispatching the IRS Minion, Mewtwo went for Lois Lerner. Lois Lerner tried to refuse to testify, but Mewtwo was looking to psycho-kinetically break her skull, not to hear her babble.

Anyway, Mewtwo defeated the IRS thugs and got some sweet low government salaries off their personages, too. The Koopa estate is now richer.

Next year, we'll have a pretty good idea of who the Republican nominee for president will be for 2016. Hopefully it will be a candidate that will end the abuses of the IRS, which is currently an unaccountable organisation that has global tentacles. KoopaTV will probably get behind them, because now we're certainly on the IRS's watch list!

But with the help of Mewtwo and your non-tax-deductible contributions to KoopaTV, we can survive these perilous times!

This whole adventure came from screenshots taken from Super Smash Bros. For Wii U and posted in this Miiverse post. You should Follow Ludwig on Miiverse at NNID PrinceOfKoopas. He's super-close to 300 Followers! Also, don't try attacking IRS agents at your home, and evading paying your taxes is probably a bad idea. Ludwig commended Ema Skye on it, though.

For last year's Tax Day article, click here.
Another article written in this style is this one, dealing with cows at Moo Moo Meadows.
Another year later, in 2016, Ludwig again calls for the IRS to be abolished.
By 2017, Ludwig is associating GameStop with the IRS for some reason, and hating on both.
Tax Day 2018 features Ludwig sick of writing tax day articles, so he explains the FAIRtax.


  1. Tax Evasion?! Could Mew Two be a member of the elusive 1%?

    “Lois Lerner tried to refuse to testify, but Mewtwo was looking to psycho-kinetically break her skull, not to hear her babble” This is an especially violent and humorous line, that just so happens to read like Pokemon style text. I’m probably the first person to read Lois Lerners name since this article was written….I wonder if she’s been well.

    1. Well, Mewtwo is protecting the Koopa estate, so clearly I am, at least...

      If you wanted to learn how Ms. Lerner is doing... well, I don't think there's any updates.


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