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Thursday, April 23, 2015

Conkers Don't Grow On Trees!

By RAWKHAWK2010 - ...figuratively speaking.

Y'all know what time it is? I'll tell you -- it's time to get Conk'd! Because today, for the first time in ten years, Conker T. Squirrel is getting another game. And not just a remake ala Conker: Live & Reloaded, but a canonical sequel and the third major chapter of the overarching Conker story following Conker's Pocket Tales and Conker's Bad Fur Day.

Enter Conker's Big Reunion, developed by Team Dakota via their game-creator tool Project Spark, which tells what exactly has become of Conker in the years since.

Conker's Big Reunion official artwork
He's back. (Vrrrrm vrrrm!)

Not all have taken kindly to Conker's return, though. Some have expressed that last year's E3 reveal was a "kick in the face" for fans, since it wasn't a totally independent game all to itself, and that if Conker can't be treated precisely as they wish then he should just "stay dead." In part this is just the Internet fat-sack minions of Internet fat-sack JonTron parroting his internet fat-sack 'comedy', but beyond that it seems there were actual expectations for the series as if Conker's return was some kind of implicit inevitability.

...Which I'll never understand because when it comes to dead franchises, Conker was as dead as dead could be! Chris Seavor was fired sometime last decade, legally separating him from the character Rare still owned -- so even if Rare began to resurrect its classic IP, and even if Microsoft was okay with the crude humor which these days would make a Social Justice Warrior piss its gender-neutral garments, why would Conker be expedited for a new game when his creator, voice-actor, and very soul wasn't even still around?

And what about the actual in-universe character? Was Conker in any position to return even if the out-of-universe stars happened to align?

Here's Conker at the end of Bad Fur Day, as he mulls over the hopelessness of life after witnessing his girlfriend's death at the hands of mobster weasels.

Conker Ryan Stiles 9/11 September 11
"...And you don't really know what it is you have...until it's gone."

And there's Conker (plus Whose Line Is It Anyway?'s Ryan Stiles) witnessing something even more tragic -- a tragedy not touched on by Conker: Celebrity Squirrel directly, but still one that in all likelihood had a profound influence on the failing of Conker's Hollywood career and eventual psychological breakdown. (A tragedy that utterly transformed the young squirrel's psyche, as it did all Americans'.)

So what am I saying? I'm saying Conker being back is a complete fucking miracle, and even if you think Project Spark isn't big and flashy enough for Conker's resurrection (and are too retarded to realize that this could flourish into something far more significant), the alternative was...well, never seeing Conker again. Being mad over this is like being mad at your supposedly-dead grandma for rising from her casket at the funeral and not saying the right lines. And even if you don't care about your grandma, you should care about Phil (#IStandWithPhil) because Phil knows what he's fucking doing.

With all that said, if you care enough about Conker to read a KoopaTV article about him, you should feel thankful. Thankful enough to not only respect the existence of Conker's Big Reunion and the Conker Mega Pack (the former being an hour-long adventure with the latter allowing you to create Conker games of your own), but also probably thankful enough to shell out the 10 dollaroos so you can experience the experience for yourself.

The experience of creativity nodes being stretched to their limits, and the experience of years-old curiosities at last being addressed:

DK Vine Conker pan the camera penis pisses

Naked Conker Project Spark squirrel censored Team Dakota

I'll see y'all on the other side. 


Conker once espoused the old-time idiom of "the grass is always greener", but does a shade of green even exist that would satisfy JonTron and his goons? Tell Rawk what you think at RawkHawk2010 on Miiverse or Twitter!

Rawk is later worried that JonTron and his goons will ruin Yooka-Laylee.


  1. My stupid laptop died. Tell me what she says.

  2. broken image at 12 o'clock.

    - Greg

    1. Wish I could fix it.
      I don't even know what the image is supposed to be of since I didn't write it, and the author of it left the site.

    2. clicking on it goes to

      - Greg

    3. Oh!
      Ah hah!
      Okay, I actually do have that saved on my computer.



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