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Wednesday, April 22, 2015

I like EarthBound as a game, not a destination

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - I'm hellbound, though.

I heard you dudes on Earth have this whole Earth Day thing set up by your local communists. I dunno if it's celebrated everywhere, but at least the United States does it and that's all that really matters.

However, I don't really give a damn. So let's talk about EarthBound instead, since it has the word Earth in it. It's either that, or Earthworm Jim.

Master Belch EarthBound art artwork official Nintendo Power render
The communists are trying to prevent adorable creatures
like Master Belch from becoming existent. Stop them!

So why would I not want to visit the world of EarthBound? ...It's unsafe! The animals hunt you, which is probably the dream of animal rights activists everywhere.

There are also aliens everywhere. Sure, the place has incredible vacation resorts, too, but rumours have it that they try to get you under the influence.

Also they're pushing this French thing. Avoid that.
Avoid French restaurants, too.

So do you like fishing? Everyone loves fishing. Good hobby.

Go fish.

Manly Fish Earthbound official Nintendo Power art artwork render
...Your natural environment, everyone.

Let's not celebrate the communist-created Earth Day, but instead celebrate the corporation-created Wigger Wednesday.

WiggerWednesday Wigger Wednesday Wiggler Nintendo of America tweet typo Waluigi

Yes, forget Earth, and leave luck to Heaven!

Forget the Earth and Eagleland and its surrounding continents. I'll stick with where I'm at and the places I know with Koopa Kingdom and the Mushroom Kingdom and the Beanbean Kingdom and stuff.

Shrooom! EarthBound mushroom fungus enemy official art artwork render Nintendo Power
Those dot-eyed dudes have bigger fungus issues than we do!
Ours just have alleged gender-identity issues.

Anyway, besides being home to the communists and President Barack Hussein Obama (but I'm redundant), it's also home to weird people. Like Rawk's girlfriend.

Mario Kart 7 glitch girlfriend Karla RawkHawk2010 YoshiRider123
...I think this guy has a gender-identity issue too.

Earth has a lot of cool stuff too, I guess. They just don't compare to Koopa Kingdom. Also, humans as the dominant species? Terrible! I hear they keep handsome shelled creatures as "pets"! The nerve! It's those humans that should be our pets!

'kay, that's it. I'm going to work on getting King Dad to announce a new edict: All humans within Koopa Kingdom borders will become enslaved to the superior Koopa people! That'll balance things out! At least EarthBound ain't got any handsomely shelled creatures. Who knows what would happen to 'em.

Ludwig will write something better next year. He promises. In the meantime, he'll only visit Earth to visit the KoopaTV office in Sierra Leone and then possibly get Ebola.

Ludwig proposed that Koopa Kingdom launch an attack on Earth, specifically the United States.
Game designers think the Earth is so wimpy that it's actually going to fall apart due to being warmer!
Ludwig actually went to Earth afterwards to head to Rio de Janeiro for the Olympics.
Earth Day 2016 is about EarthBound 2, or MOTHER 3. And its lack of a release. It's better than this article.

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