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Friday, April 3, 2015

Announcing KoopaTV BLK™

By BLACK NINJA KOOPA - It's about ethnics in video-game journalism.

As most of you probably don't know, since I'm guessing the main audience for this place are people too young to know better (plus it's something I don't really like to talk about these days), yours truly was a member of Koopa Keep -- you know, that mid-2000's NSider gig ran by the same dudes who frequent these parts. ...Or the ones who are still alive, anyway, namely Ludwig Von Koopa (the boss), Kamek Koopa (the adviser), and that "RawkHawk2010" guy, who I can barely remember but have always felt something of a...dreamy spiritual connection with. (Huh.) Anyway, it appears all of the other Koopa Keepians, even my dear brother Red Ninja Koopa, eventually all had various existential crises and are now six feet under the cold, cold ground. (Either that, or they've become integrated into various communities that KoopaTV has been eternally blacklisted from, but hey, tomayto tomahto.)

So why am I here, after give-or-take ten years? Well the deal is that KoopaTV, for quite some time now, has been facing issues in the area of cultural diversity and I've been summoned to offer my expertise. In fact, that's precisely what I've been up to all this time -- traveling the lands, having various important talks with various important folk, all in an effort to make this existence more palatable for the most under-appreciated, most under-privileged, and most under-represented class of dude there is. I, of course, am referring to black folk.

My friends, KoopaTV just doesn't get it. Sure, the site has been racially progressive in a few ways, I when it asked former (black) presidential candidate Herman Cain his favorite Pokémon on nationally-syndicated radio, and when it milked the golden teat of the diversity cow for Best PC Game of 2013 Trayvon Tyson's Punch-Out!! (seriously, phenomenal job guys), but in the overall scheme of things, KoopaTV has shown itself to be obtusely insensitive towards the plights of the black community. And I would know, I'm as black as it gets. I'm so black that my name stayed "Black Ninja Koopa" in a time when having "black" in your name just straight-up wasn't permitted!

The "B" Word. I guess I was a localization error.

Yeah yeah, I may look more yellow than black, but believe me when I say that my heart is as black as anyone's here. And I like to think that I've made a truly earnest effort over the years to improve the lives of my minority brethren and sistren. For instance, remember that one reviewer at Paste Magazine who said the Mari0 series was desperately lacking in diversity? Well, just so you know, I'm the one put that idea in the lad's head -- because it's absolutely true. Whether it's characters drifting further and further away from black on the color spectrum (and beauty, for that matter), or Paper Mari0: Sticker Star reducing my people's culture to its most primitive (and frankly, terrifying) form, it's clear that video games are becoming more and more about silver-spoon Cracker Jacks such as Mari0 and Daisy and less about, well, anyone who's the same color as I. For instance, Bullet Bill? As expendable as ever. Bob-Omb? Bone-stupid unless he's a color other than black. And Chain Chomp? Well geez, he's chained up as if he's still on the plantation.

Even if it's true that those ex-business partners of mine never really had any potential to speak of, I WAS DIFFERENT. I had hopes! I had dreams! But unhinged menace Shigeru Miyamoto, riding in on his wave of anti-character pretense, would always appear to remind me of my place ("Does Paper Mari0 really need you?"), with the harsh sting of his words catapulting me further and further towards the back of the proverbial bus. And this ain't like your world, kids. A Mari0 character talking back to Miyamoto doesn't get them immortalized as a civil rights hero, it just gets their ass knocked into video game character limbo faster than you can say, "Segregation now, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever."

Stand in the Schoolhouse Door Black Ninja Koopa Bros. Paper Mario
The Schoolhouse Door™ remains forever distant.

Oh, and did you know black Koopas (ones like myself, not those Mural Koopa things) are 100% more likely than the "main color" to be ousted from their series for political reasons? Because that's what happened with Paper Mari0: Sticker Star, and the LAST thing we need is for an otherwise-respectable site like KoopaTV to be peddling Miyamoto's toxic genocide-first philosophies. So with blessings from the staff, I'm now formally announcing KoopaTV BLK™, a brand-spankin'-new KoopaTV initiative (no relation) that aims not only to cultivate a black audience here at home, but also fight for the rights of black video game characters universe-wide. You know, ones like me.

KoopaTV BLK logo black shell Koopa
That's more like it.

Unlike with Miyamoto, our readers are all equal in the eyes of KoopaTV. (Or, at least, the BLK part.) So to start this thing off, let's get some feedback from you, the black-identifying audience. Anything you want to see more of? Anything you want to see less of? Have any general opinions, queries, or riveting life stories that no one else will read because you're black? Well, rest easy lad, for I have a dream that Koopas will one day live in a Kingdom where they will be judged not by the color of their shell, but by the content of their character -- no matter how much Miyamoto and his fellow crooks may loathe the concept.

Martin Luther King Jr. Black Ninja Koopa Bros. Paper Mario I Have a Dream
I have a dream, TODAY!

You'd think BNK would just go buy a different-color shell already to save himself some heartache. Oh weeeeellll. (Also, it probably won't be long before our ol' pal gets himself re-lost on the Road of...Life, so best leave your comments posthaste.)

Another guest writer takes BNK's call and writes about... black superiority. Huh.
Ludwig betrays his ninja friend and joins Team Pirates.
King Bowser turns black in Paper Mario: Color Splash, and seeks to spread the blackness across the world.
Morton Koopa Jr. sniffs some of the black paint and starts rapping in Ebonics.
Black Ninja Koopa is the subject of an article about the Koopa Bros. and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
This article was cited as evidence that the Koopa Bros. are actually traitors.


  1. I totally reject the notion that KoopaTV needs to pander to black people.

    KoopaTV's message resonates with people of all backgrounds. Everyone of every colour, sexual orientation, religion, or gender can appreciate the values of Truth and Levity.

    The only thing this article proves is that everyone also hates Miyamoto (as they should) and that KoopaTV really does let anything through for guest articles.

  2. I am black and wanted to let you know that this article is shit.


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