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Monday, February 18, 2019

Yoshi's Crafted World's Train-Building and Cow-Murdering Philosophies

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - The Yoshi's Crafted World demo makes a perfect KoopaTV discussion piece.

With the proposed Green New Deal putting high-speed trains and farting cows back on the public mind, Nintendo released a demo of Yoshi's Crafted World on the Nintendo eShop, following last week's Nintendo Direct.

On KoopaTV, we have trains and cows on the mind all the time, so this is topically appropriate. Plus, I have very strong opinions on the Yoshi franchise.

We already knew from Nintendo's E3 2017 (back when Yoshi's Crafted World was called “Yoshi 2018”... whoops, that slipped) that cows and Moo Moo Meadows Milk play a big role in the world. Let's examine just what that role is, how trains go into it, and our critical commentary on all of that.

Yoshi's Crafted World MooMoo Meadows Milk carton background object cow moo
Moo Moo Meadows Milk carton in the background. Delicious.

Yoshi was tasked with going through Rail-Yard Run, an area within Sunshine Station. As he was going through it, he encountered Kamek and Lord Bowser (as a baby). Now, as previously mentioned, we have trains on our mind, and that's because Kamek is the one who created KoopaTV's anti-train transportation philosophy with his anti-Amtrak article.

Fittingly, in exact accordance with his (pre-existing) KoopaTV article, Kamek destroyed Sunshine Station's train. 


Was that accurate or what? It's almost like how the New Super Mario Bros. Wii developers gave me flutter-jumping abilities because I was such a huge, outspoken fan of Yoshi's Island back at the Nintendo NSider Forums. (As I said, strong opinions on the franchise.)

Unfortunately, Yoshi ended up getting the train back in order and went off riding the thing. 


Yoshi's Crafted World Rail-Yard Run train Sunshine Station
Yoshi put the train back together that Kamek had disassembled into three different parts.
Look at him happily riding it without seatbelts or anything. DANGEROUS.

After Yoshi promoted pro-train philosophies at the train station (Kamek was only trying to save lives from the dangers and evils of train culture), he was instructed by a suspicious character, Fin Blockafeller, to murder five cows.

Yoshi's Crafted World Fin Blockafeller robot man cows toss an egg sucker
This Fin Blockafeller guy who no one has ever heard of is giving Yoshi his hit instructions on five cows.
Notice how callously he refers to the victim cows as “suckers” just for existing.

Yoshi then proceeded to murder five cows located throughout Sunshine Station, just because this guy asked him to. How's that for a “Green” (reference to Yoshi's colour) New Deal? Sick stuff. I told you, these green environmentalist people want nothing but cow genocide.

Here's some of the footage we caught of Yoshi murdering a cow. Pay attention to details:


Remember in the mid-2000s when evil First Amendment-hating hags (and Jack Thompson) were clutching their pearls and thinking of the children, talking about how bad Grand Theft Auto is for allegedly giving “points” to players for killing random people and police figures? Yeah, what do you consider this cow-hitting to be? Yoshi got a HIT combo metre going on or something, and then Yoshi even got rewarded with coins. And the cows were literally as innocent of bystanders as pedestrians in Grand Theft Auto. If not more innocent. They're not in anyone's way. Far from it.

And then they phase out of existence.

Once Yoshi murdered five innocent bovine in this manner, he returned back to Fin Blockafeller. We don't know what happened afterwards, but it's obvious the cows weren't going to be taken care of or were even still alive. Did you see a pasture out back? Nope? Thought so. It's senseless murdering, and Yoshi was the willing, unquestioning assassin.

Yoshi's Crafted World Fin Blockafeller found cows Rail-Yard Run Sunshine Station
Fin Blockafeller is elated his assassination plan worked out.
Just look at him. He's obviously associated with the train station. Must be evil.

Putting dangerous, unsafe trains back together. Murdering cows for a mysterious creep. As far as I'm concerned, Yoshi is in on all of Mario's schemes. In fact, Mario probably learned them from the more senior Yoshi.

Don't forget that Labo costume, too.

I sincerely hope Kamek is able to stop him.

...Wait, if this takes place in the past, then we already know how this ended.

...Wait, wait, what's the Labo doing back that far in time? 


KoopaTV will have to end this article on those questions and perhaps save them for another time. If you wanted Ludwig's actual thoughts on the Yoshi's Crafted World demo in terms of gameplay and whatever, you could ask about those in the comments section, but who cares about details like how fun the game is when there are critical questions and concerns about Yoshi's morality at play? Do you view Kamek as a hero, and does this justify his repetitive actions to you? By the way, Yoshi's actions go perfectly with the priorities of the Green New Deal, so you can expect KoopaTV to have opposition to that, too.

6 comments :

  1. I for one question if those cows were alive to begin with. I mean, I know everything in that world was made out of craft stuff, but they neither mooed nor mooved at all in that video! My theory is the actual live cows pulled a trick similar to what Peach and Paper Peach tried (unsucessfully) to avoid getting kidnapped in Paper Jam--and this Blockafeller feller was too dumb to tell the difference.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, it's a hard life out there. Cows don't have to moo just to please you. Nor do they have to moove anywhere. The grass is green right where they are. Maybe they're tired and wanted to nap with their eyes open.

      Also, the cows are pretty far away from Yoshi. Perhaps he just didn't hear them over that awful excuse for a soundtrack.

      Delete
  2. Speaking of the Green New Deal, who knew that Inkopolis Splatfest Law would also affect policies in the Green New Deal? They are trying to ban planes too after it lost. Also Marie is green herself. Maybe that is why they voted for her in the Splatfest to be their representative.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Try to ban planes, but you tell me how Agent 8 ended up being rescued upon reaching the surface.

      Sure wasn't a car.

      Obviously the ban wasn't a success, and hopefully neither will the Green New Deal.

      Delete
  3. Yoshi truly is one of the most dangerous beings in the universe. If he is not committing tax fraud, Yoshi is murdering innocent cows or repairing dangerous machines capable of mass destruction. Kamek and Baby Bowswer must stop Yoshi before he obtains all the gemstones because who knows just how much more chaos he could wreak while wielding such immense power. This is only a theory, but I predict that at full power, Yoshi may have the potential to wipe out half of all existence in the Koopa Kingdom.

    ReplyDelete

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