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Friday, February 8, 2019

After a Week of Pancakes vs. Waffles Articles, Ludwig Picks...

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Even if I can't eat them, I need to join a Splatfest team.

This has certainly been one of the more interesting weeks in KoopaTV history, and it ends tonight: From publishing to Saturday night is another Splatoon 2 Splatfest: Pancakes vs. Waffles. If you didn't know that, you have not been paying attention to the site, because the first four days of the week have revealed a very divided KoopaTV.

Here's the gist. I have Celiac Disease, so I can't eat gluten without my intestines getting screwed up. Gluten is a protein that you'll find associated with certain grains—in this instance, wheat. Wheat is the primary ingredient of pancakes and waffles. That makes it a bit difficult for me to answer this Splatfest question posed by Pearl and Marina:

Splatoon 2 Splatfest Pancakes vs. Waffles Pearl Marina stealth dessert better breakfast food
“Which stealth dessert is the better breakfast food? Pancakes or waffles?”
Unlike pizza, I don't seek out gluten-free options for pancakes or waffles. (I just went to have a gluten-free pizza today. Pricey, but scrumptious.) Therefore, I don't know how to approach the Splatfest question, so I asked the staff to answer it for me. The staff spent all week offering their arguments. Here's a recap:

Team Pancakes:
  1. Stacey Abrams
  2. Kamek
Team Waffles:
  1. Wendy O. Koopa
  2. RawkHawk2010
(I should note that Stacey Abrams is not a KoopaTV staff member, but she still got her argument in during her response to the State of the Union.)

I still need to pick a team since the Splatfest does start tonight. I'm going to go through everyone's arguments and come to a decision for myself.

Wendy's waffle article focused on the honeycomb indentations as the primary differentiator between waffles and pancakes, and that seems to be what makes waffles so much better because they can lock-in syrup and butter in each comb. Kamek's pancake article focused on the fluffiness and softness of the pancake, which I'm otherwise lead to believe are not characteristics one would associate with a waffle. Since no one has written otherwise, I'm lead to believe that waffles are mean and coarse.

This actually goes into what Stacey Abrams was saying about how the waffle's indentations are analogous to President Donald John Trump building border WALLS and putting immigrant children in cages, and how that cruelty doesn't comply with the fluffiness of the United States of America.

After all, honey (or microscopic people) inside an indented comb can't get out and go into other parts of the waffle. Definitely cage-esque, and the border WALLS of the comb are also preventing them from entering the other parts. The analogy works perfectly.

That said, I'm also for the WALL. (Despite my heavy sarcasm during the Republican presidential campaign regarding the topic of the WALL.) Therefore, I see this as a net-plus for the waffle, which should perhaps be named the WALLfe. Even if I'm a big fan of fluffiness and softness.

Rawk had this point about the Waffle House and culture, and he made the Waffle House out to be a nice place during breakfast time and a terrible place at night. That said, the Splatfest clearly asks about the waffle's place as a breakfast food, so whatever happens at night isn't canon to the question. Meanwhile, border security obviously affects people's breakfasts.

I have an actual issue with pancakes. You see, there is a phrase that goes along the lines of “flattened into/like a pancake.” It's used after jerks like Mario use their shoes to stomp on someone's head so hard that it deforms their body structure, making them flat. Like a pancake.

...I know from experience.

Paper Mario Color Splash jumping on Ludwig Von Koopa head flattening squishing stomping pancake
OW! This is what pancakes are all about!

No one says flattened into a waffle.

You can even see that Mario personally endorses pancakes.

Mario flipping pancake Super Mario's Relaxing Life LINE sticker
Mario flipping a pancake in an animation made by LINE.
(Same dudes who are responsible for Dr. Mario World.)

Clearly, pancakes represent oppression.

The only reference to waffles is in Luigi's imagination (the Waffle Kingdom ain't even real), so I'm going to say that's distant enough of a relationship that I feel pretty safe endorsing TEAM WAFFLES for this Splatfest.

For our safety and freedom from oppression.

Ludwig still isn't going to try to eat any waffles or pancakes for this Splatfest, since their gluten-free versions aren't good. They sort of need to be made of wheat due to wheat's unique properties that the alternative gluten-free ingredients just don't have. One is better off just having syrup directly off a spoon...which Ludwig might end up doing. He does love spoons, after all.

The Splatfest before this was Family vs. Friends, where Ludwig sided with Family.
How about the Splatfest after? That's Knights vs. Wizards, and Ludwig is pro-Knight. ...What?
For an alternative to kids in cages, see Koopa Kingdom's immigration services.


  1. For the victory of Team Waffles I present you a picture of Marina near Pokéball waffles. I posted it hours before results were revealed not knowing if they would win or not and doing a usual "in before" comment in case Team pancakes would taunt me. Thankfully they did not. The Splatfest inspired me to order the waffle maker.

    And I am setting up a date to make the homemade salsa. I have off from work President's Day and can leave my daughter by the babysitter so I can finally devote time for that too.

    1. Yay, you're getting your backlog of foodstuffs done too.

      (Are the only Splatfests we're going to get corporate-sponsored, food-related, or corporate-sponsored foods?)

      I'm really happy that we collectively called the Splatfest correctly on KoopaTV after dedicating literally a whole week to it. Would've been bad otherwise.
      (Poor Kamek. No sympathy for Stacey Abrams though.)

    2. We probably will get that Pearl vs Marina Splatfest to find out who will be the glorified tutorial giver in the glorified tutorial mode called Hero Mode 3 for Splatoon 3.

    3. I still gonna come up with an opinion about when we'll see a Splatoon 3...!

      Wouldn't surprise me if it was still Marie by then, though!

    4. It finally happened:

  2. While I was waiting for a round to start, I just happened to see your name flash across the screen for winning a 10x battle and I was glad to know that you joined the superior team. Even though you do not have a preference of either choice due to your disease, you still made the right decision in the end. I just hope that the next Splatfest will be something more interesting and not food related.

    1. This Splatfest was apparently interesting enough that the other staffers all ('cept Witchy) did stuff for it. You don't see that for the other ones.


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