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Wednesday, December 12, 2018

How Nintendo Labo Is (Almost Literally) A Trainwreck

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - And you thought the Labo would stick to cars, planes, and submarines?

At the end of December 2017, Kamek wrote (yeah, Kamek wrote) about why Amtrak should not exist, providing KoopaTV an expansion of our transportation philosophies by describing trains as one of the worst modes of transportation out there.

Afterwards, the Nintendo Labo decided to test our transportation ideals by announcing the Nintendo Labo: Vehicle Kit. We immediately geared up for war. Things were quiet afterwards... even after the Nintendo Labo: Vehicle Kit hit store shelves. It was really a stealth launch.

Don't mistake quiet for benign, however. Just recently, days following the great American tradition of Thanksgiving, an Amtrak train stopped right after leaving the station. ...It not only stopped, but it was stuck. For six hours.

To be specific, it was an Acela Express going from New York's Penn Station (around 9:40 AM) to Massachusetts's South Station. Amtrak markets the Acela Express as:
“Superior comfort, upscale amenities and polished professional service at speeds up to 150 mph, Acela Express offers hourly service downtown to downtown during peak morning and afternoon rush hours between New York, Washington, DC, Baltimore, Philadelphia and other intermediate cities, as well as many convenient round-trips between New York and Boston.”
It's for the classy city folk who don't want to be stuck on a long train ride with all the riffraff. Speaking of long, here's what the normal schedule is supposed to be without anything being stuck:

Amtrak Northeast Corridor Northbound schedule Washington DC Philadelphia New York New Haven Boston Acela Express
Let's say that the Acela the passengers were on takes arrivals at 9:46 AM and departs at 10:03 AM.
It will arrive at South Station at 2:05 PM, making for a 4-hour trip.

Per the news story, passengers got off the train at 8 PM, making it a 6-hour delay and a 10-hour trip. Bad way to spend the day, right? Especially when the train broke down “due to a power problem” right after leaving Penn Station.

How did this “superior comfort, upscale amenities and polished professional service” crew handle passenger desperation? The Amtrak employees provided a cardboard box as a portable toilet. (I guess walking outside the train and conducting your business out there wasn't an option?)

Super Smash Bros. Ultimate Snake's cardboard box World of Light beam blast freeze frame Galeem destruction
Exclusive photograph of the Amtrak passengers' collective urine (from holding it in) about to blast the provided cardboard box.

Cardboard. When has cardboard been relevant recently?

And that question brings us back to the Nintendo Labo. Trains and Amtrak are already a disaster. The Nintendo Labo is a threat that, among other things, is out to conquer vehicles. You put them together by having cardboard boxes on Amtrak trains, and society is on the way to utter destruction. As seen in this Amtrak instance.

This is just the beginning if the Labo continues to move uninhibited. 

“But Ludwig,” you may begin to object, “it's not fair that just because cardboard is involved in a story, you just go straight to blaming the Nintendo Labo!”

I'll briefly consult President Donald John Trump's son, Donald Trump Jr., for guidance on this. He once tweeted an image of a bowl of Skittles (that was copyrighted and thus the picture was removed on his tweet) with the caption...
“If I had a bowl of skittles and I told you just three would kill you. Would you take a handful?
That's our Syrian refugee problem.” (Bolding his.)
If you had a train of cardboard boxes and I told you just one would kill you, would you urinate and defecate into a cardboard box if you really needed to let out some waste? That's the Nintendo Labo problem.

...You could say that about anything, but the Labo is already proven to be highly dangerous and with an affinity for hijacking vehicles. Plus, it's teaming up with Cappy, who is perfectly capable of causing an electrical outage. He can literally capture spark pylons and move and manipulate electrical wires.

Here's what really happened. Cappy went and stopped the train's power. The Labo used its Master Key to cease its movement and maintain control so the train would take a long time to actually accomplish a fix. Seeing a cardboard box on the train, the Amtrak staff offered it to passengers.

...And we've never heard from those passengers ever again.

While I support disrespecting the Labo (including doing dirty work on it), interaction with the Labo is actually extremely dangerous. It was a test by the Labo on unsuspecting humans. Who shall live and who shall die?

To avoid this, I suggest not only living a Labo-less life, but a cardboard-less life as well. There are some difficulties in that (as I'll discuss later this month), but it's the only way to survive in a world where the Labo is acting aggressively.

If you want to just engage in avoidance and wish to take more aggressive measures to counter the Labo, perhaps you can join Ludwig's war against the Labo, conducted via KoopaTV. There are several ways you can do that, including sharing KoopaTV's many anti-Labo postings, as well as perhaps writing a guest post about the Labo yourself. KoopaTV already has one guest post about the Labo (and it's not flattering to the cardboard), and would gladly accept more!

Are you not convinced that cardboard boxes are dangerous and have a mind of their own? Read this for conclusive evidence.


  1. Wouldn't urine soak through the cardboard and therefore urine leaking out of the box and messing up the train's floor making it even more disgusting to clean up? Might as well just urinate directly on the floor.

    You say have a cardboard-less life, but I needed tons of boxes for moving as seen here: What should movers and people who ship packages do without cardboard?

    1. ...I don't actually know the physics behind it, but that could be a reason why the Labo would be so... angry.
      Or maybe it was a poop-only affair. In any case, I still dunno why they couldn't just go outside.

      Perhaps you could use plastic boxes instead.

    2. “'The thing about Amtrak is that you can still get up, walk around and get fresh air. If I was on a plane like that for five hours, I would lose my mind,' he said." That was a quote from the article you linked so they could have went outside and done their business. Also if it happened on a plane they would all be put out of their misery.

    3. Yeah, but it took them a whole hour. They had to deliberate on it...

      “About an hour of the way through, they decided to open up all of the doors on the left side of the train to help circulate air because it was starting to get warm and stuffy,”

      If the power failed on a plane, in all of its engine systems (a plane has multiple redundant stuff there, unlike the train), then the plane will still be moving. It'll be gliding slowly down. It'll still be in the air like the actual flight.
      And then the pilot would eventually land it somewhere flat and without death.

      Planes are far more secure than trains!

  2. offense but this still seems like a LOT of degrees of Kevin Bacon to go through, even for a kooky conspiracy theory.

    1. Here I misread "kooky" for "KoopaTV".

      Okay, now consider this.

      Right after this article gets published, bomb threats appear all over the United States in several high-importance areas. These areas presumably all are near cardboard boxes.
      The article before this one about the Nintendo Labo proposed that the fourth Labo kit (after the Vehicle kit) would be the Nintendo Labo: Bomb Kit.


    2. Well Kooky is your counterpart in the animated adaptations of your adventures in stopping the evil plumber.

    3. True, but that's why capitalisation is so important. Differentiates between an adjective and a person!

  3. Speaking of conspiracy theories, I have one of my own. Wherever the Labo shows up, there is going to be some trouble. If Cappy is also involved, that makes matters twice as bad. I think that this incident on the train was just the beginning. Since Cappy can possess inanimate objects, just imagine if these two devilish forces were to fuse together to form the most powerful threat to mankind, Capbo. The destruction wreaked by this twisted foe would be immense. I have a intuition that this has been Cappy's main goal all along. The only reason he did not do this earlier is because the cardboard he has come across must have all been torn. Therefore, it is vital that we destroy all Labo kits to prevent this from ever happening.

    1. That's less of a conspiracy theory and more of a... prediction. Conspiracies are backward-looking!

      That said, I think teaming up is more advantageous to Cappy and Labo than fusing into one being. Can't be in two places at the same time after a fusion...!


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