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Tuesday, December 11, 2018

Heroes vs. Villains: The Ultimate Splatfest

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - It's about the very questions of morality this whole site is about.

Is it okay if I take some time off discussing Super Smash Bros. Ultimate? Alright, let's go back to talking about Splatoon 2. In fact, there's a Splatfest happening this very weekend! Always a popular topic. Alright, what's the subject?

Splatoon 2 Splatfest Super Smash Bros Heroes Villains team news announcement scream
...Oh, the Splatfest is about Super Smash Bros. Ultimate.

Yesterday's article is all I really want to talk about for Super Smash Bros. Ultimate in the near future. For now, let's talk about Heroes vs. Villains.

More specifically, let's make this really clear up front. This is KoopaTV. Team Villains literally is fronted by King Bowser. Regardless of how right or wrong it is that Lord Bowser is defined as a villain, he's KoopaTV's primary focus. We must stand by him. There's really no debate about that.

But KoopaTV is all about arguments and debates and opinions, so I guess I gotta present something to you. Allow me to weigh the legitimacy of Off the Hook's arguments, and clue you in about who is likely to win.

First of all, the interestingness of being a hero.

Splatoon 2 Splatfest hero of any story is the least interesting character Marina
Marina says: “The hero of any story is always the least interesting character!”

There's a reason why I paid a lot of attention to the GameFAQs Character Battle X contest. That, by the way, will be over by the time this Splatfest takes place. Most of the popular characters are HEROES. The only villains that got into the Top 16 are Sephiroth, Bowser, and Ganondorf — and Ganondorf got destroyed in his match with Link. Sephiroth got destroyed in his match with Tifa, another hero vs. villain from the same game.

But... look at who the top heroes in the bracket were. Link? Mario? Crono? These are just about the least interesting protagonists in gaming. I pointed out that Ness fell into that as well.

Villains, though? King Bowser is one of the most interesting guys around. I'm really interesting too. That's why you're reading KoopaTV, right?

People who don't talk tend to not be interesting. That's why Paper Mario: Sticker Star was a disaster for King Bowser's reputation. (You can blame cardboard for that... and cardboard is a coded word for Nintendo Labo.) Similarly, The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild is boring on both the part of the hero and the villain.

As for popularity, as I said, in the GameFAQs tournament, heroes outnumber villains by a lot. In September 2012, the Wii's Everybody Votes Channel in America asked, “Would you rather be a cartoon hero or villain?” Hero got 70.4% of the vote, while Villain got only 29.6%. Meanwhile, Splatoon had a Naughty vs. Nice Splatfest, where Team Nice won Popularity, but Team Naughty routed in wins. Same with Autobots vs. Decepticons, where Decepticons easily won (RIP Vortex).

So if that's how you make your decisions, Team Villain will have lower quantity but likely higher quality players. Now, back to philosophy:

Splatoon 2 Splatfest Marina villains fight the establishment topple the status quo
Marina: “Villains want to fight the establishment and topple the status quo.”

I used almost the same wording that Marina did when explaining why I supported Team Naughty over Team Nice:

“So ‘naughty’ just means you misbehave. To misbehave means you act inappropriately or improperly.

And what, exactly, should be scorned about that? I'm proud that I act not according to the ‘proper’ ways created by these so-called ‘nice’ people. ‘Nice’ people just try to please. Being ‘nice’ is literally just being agreeable and pleasant. They're the status quo. No boundaries pushed. No great things can happen under a ‘nice’ person. You gotta step on SOMEONE's toes, and it'll be a naughty person. A naughty person ENJOYS that.”
(There's much more to that article that's still relevant, so read it all.)

However, even though Marina is my team captain, I have a theme in my Splatfest articles to point out that Marina's arguments are terrible. In this case, she's talking about villains fighting the establishment while on a backdrop of not one, not two, not three, but FOUR Kings. King Bowser, King Dedede, King K. Rool, and Ganondorf, King of the Gerudo tribe. Meanwhile, no establishmentarian on Team Hero's side. That's not to say Team Hero lacks any, but they're just not one of the seven Super Smash Bros. Ultimate characters shown. It's a really bad look on Marina's part.

Pearl makes a big thing in the newscast about how villains want to destroy the world. That is, for the most part, not accurate. Most villains don't want to destroy the world. Not all villains even have worldly ambitions!

It's true that heroes are boring to the point that many don't have anything interesting going on in their existence outside of what the exciting villains are doing. For evidence, check out Link wondering what Ganon's up to:

If Link had an interesting life outside of being a hero, he'd have many other things to do besides wonder what Ganon's up to! You think I want to side with this dufus? Nah, support the guys (and a few girls — there needs to be more of those) who make things actually happen in the world.

By the way. Mario is a hero per his public image. If you go observe his actual actions, it's pretty clear he's not heroic at all. That's something we talk a lot on KoopaTV about. Mario does things ranging from targeted assassination to child endangerment to animal abuse to vandalism and destruction to genocide. He enjoys it, too, screaming YAHOO! and all that as he's slaughtering innocents.

King Bowser Koopa is a devoted father who wants the best for his kingdom. But because Mario wins (via cheating), he's the one that gets to write the history. And thus he's portrayed as the hero and King Bowser is the villain.

Sign me up for Team Villain, then. We do what's truly right in the world, unrestricted by the shackles of the prevailing global cultural hegemony. King Bowser may be a king, but in terms of the whole world, he's on the incorrect side of the entangling alliances. We need... YOUR support!

Aside from joining Team Villains (and winning more battles than you lose) by playing Splatoon 2 this Saturday, you can also support Koopa Kingdom and the villain cause by proving your loyalty to Koopa Kingdom's official propaganda outlet, KoopaTV. Doing so will get you entered into the KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program, which can get you some sweet money-equivalent prizes on a reoccurring basis!

Check out the Splatfest before this, where Ludwig reveals his chip-eating habits!
It's mentioned here that Team Villains won. Thanks.
Want an example of Mario slaughtering an innocent with the accompanying YAHOO!? Here you go.
Two Splatfest articles in one month! It turns out that Heroes vs. Villains doesn't count as a holiday-appropriate Splatfest, so...
Super Smash Bros. Ultimate itself uses the Heroes vs. Villains theme for one of its own events, but does it much worse than Splatoon 2.


  1. Team Villains also does not have a bajillion Fire Emblem characters on their side in Smash. I much preferred Lash in Advance Wars 2 than Dual Strike where she turned to being a hero at the end. Stat wise she is worse in Dual Strike too telling you what being a hero does to you. Also if a fake Disney game representative gets in it would be that giant door opener wielding guy and not the much more tolerable Organization XIII guys so Team Villains is still a lot more appealing.

    1. I'll add this to your Fire Emblem sentence: The Black Knight Assist Trophy has a presence unlike any other Assist Trophy in Super Smash Bros. history.

      It's impressive. I can't say that about the Fire Emblem heroes except Ike.

      Lash counts as one of those female villains I was saying we need more of, and I like her a lot. ...I don't really like the other Black Hole COs, though.

      Glad that it sounds like you'll be on Team Villains!

  2. I remember a man who once said, "You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain." Since one choice involves dying and the other living, then why would anyone ever choose the former? Sure, one's reputation may be tarnished in the eyes of the general public, but at least they'll still be alive. This Splatfest is not just a choice between heroes and villains but between life and death. And I choose life.

  3. Villains make things interesting, and most of them have really unique personalities, that’s why I’m supporting the villains. Without them we wouldn’t have heros.

    1. I wouldn't use that last point as a support for villains. I mean, sounds like you're appreciating heroes, which ain't the point!

      But yes, villains are the source of interesting things in the world. Including your presence on here, so thanks for commenting.

    2. Oh yea whoops, I didn't think about that. Also you're welcome.

    3. As for the unique personalities part, a hero supporter might go and say, no, you look at the lower-level minion tier and they're all just drones.

      To which I'd give these to counter their anti-NPC bias:


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