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Tuesday, December 18, 2018

Mario Brutally Murders Petey Piranha (and people still play Mario Tennis Aces online)

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - This brutality is so shocking that even I'm stunned enough to write about it.

Originally I was going to write a light article about how Mario Tennis Aces was nice while it lasted, but now it's completely dead after the release of Super Smash Bros. Ultimate and no one cares about the latest content patch from the end of November (version 2.1.0) — a shame because if you look at the patch notes, you'll see that the update actually overhauled the game.

However, it turns out that the game sold over two million copies, and at least some of those people are still playing it. I found matches in the online tournament mode within 1–3 minutes, including the entire new doubles class tournament from round 1 to final. (Even if it featured what appeared to be one player controlling two characters simultaneously, one per Joy-Con, and that particular player was on both sides of the bracket.)

I also found a match in the single player tournament, which enabled me to unlock Petey Piranha!

Mario Tennis Aces Petey Piranha unlocked participation bonus December 2018 online tournament
Petey Piranha is giggling now, ready to prove his worth on the tennis field in normal non-boss-fight matches.
“You can now use Petey Piranha, who was a participation bonus for the online tournament!”
Petey Piranha, after seeing Piranha Plant get a lot of attention in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, wanted to preempt the availability of that DLC with some tennis action. After all, Mario Tennis Aces is designed as a fighting game to help prepare Nintendo Switch players for Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, so Petey Piranha is appearing in Mario Tennis Aces to help prepare Nintendo Switch players for a playable Piranha Plant (with a Petey Piranha Final Smash!) in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate.

Makes perfect sense until something truly grotesque occurred.

Just for a little background to Petey Piranha, he takes great pride in being a heavyweight POWER character in all of his appearances. In Mario Superstar Baseball, he used his leafy arms as the baseball bat, and rivaled King Bowser Koopa himself in home-run-hitting prowess. Put another way, those leaves are STRONG. One would expect they're durable as well. 

Petey Piranha used actual golf clubs for Mario Golf: Toadstool Tour — presumably because having several golf clubs allow the kind of power adjustment needed for a game of golf, as opposed to having just one mode of all-power all the time with one set of leaves. Very curiously, Petey used an actual tennis racket in Mario Power Tennis.

Based on his baseball appearance, Petey SWITCHed his tennis game and brought his powerful leafy appendages to Mario Tennis Aces as well. Like the other members of the cast and their tennis rackets, Petey Piranha was able to imbue his leaves with the power of Zone Speed and Zone Shots, making participating in Mario Tennis Aces a worthwhile exercise in personal skill development for Petey Piranha. That's something we should all strive for, yes?

Unfortunately, the road to self-improvement can be fraught with danger. As I wrote, Mario Tennis Aces is filled with Zone Shots, very powerful tennis hits that smash a tennis ball at great speeds. So great and powerful that it will wear down or break a tennis racket that doesn't return the ball carefully. Since Petey Piranha is using his own arms as the racket, that means that Petey can sustain great damage. Here's what can happen, as he was playing against Luigi:

Mario Tennis Aces Petey Piranha broken racket leaf arm fainted
Look at Petey Piranha's leaves. That's... awful, actually. Will he be okay?
(It turns out that it only gets worse...)

Petey Piranha knew that to be the strongest, he had to battle Mario in a fair tennis battle. And beat him. Mario was (unfortunately) the reigning champion of Mario Tennis Aces. I mean, it's in the name.

Well, here's what happened at the end of Petey Piranha's match with Mario. ...And it's not just the end of the match for Petey Piranha, as you can see (graphic content warning):

...It's the end of Petey Piranha's life. Just for challenging Mario to a fair tennis match.

And rather than jump over the tennis court net and check on Petey Piranha (before his carcass was eliminated from the living), Mario instead yells,

What a monster.

Sometimes KoopaTV might get lost in some advanced developments with Mario's relationships with various fellow partners in evil, like Cappy, the Labo, the Central Intelligence Agency, or others. Let us not forget that Mario is perfectly capable of cruelty all by himself.

Unprovoked acts of destruction. He killed Petey Piranha over a tennis game. A FREE PLAY tennis game. It wasn't even a damn tournament! There weren't any STAKES involved! Petey Piranha just wanted to get better at tennis!

Mario is an awful being, and he needs to be brought to justice. For Petey Piranha's sake.

(Don't forget all of the other innocents that Mario has bludgeoned over the years, of course, including thousands of Koopas, Goombas, Gooper Blooper's ripped-off tentacles, Whacka, and more!) 

Will you stand out of your chair in solidarity with KoopaTV's call to have Mario put down, before he harms or murders another innocent life? Are you shocked that you can actually find people to play Mario Tennis Aces with online? Not that that's the main part of this article, of course. Anyway, Petey Piranha is dead for no good reason. Mario's fault. You know what to do. Share this article and educate people on Mario's murder streak!

Just a week ago, Ludwig wrote about how Mario yells Yahoo! after committing atrocities.
Piranha Plant is doing well to get revenge.


  1. I was not prepared to see the brutality depicted in that video. In one moment, Petey Pirahna, the poor gentle soul, was having the time of his life aspiring to become the next tennis champion. The next moment, he vanishes forever after Mario comes along and savagely murders him in cold blood. Whenever I finally get a chance to play Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, I'm going to revel in sending every last Mario off the stage. I swear on Petey's grave that Mario will pay.

    1. It gets even worse when you think about the externalities.
      What do the children in the audience think? Is tennis being turned into a gladiator blood sport?

      I hate that plumber!


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