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Tuesday, January 2, 2018

New Years Celebration in New Donk City

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - And why the Metro Kingdom is more dangerous than the United Kingdom.

Great news, guys: KoopaTV has affected yet another election result for a candidate we favour! This time, it was Mayor Pauline of New Donk City, who won over Donkey Kong. The people celebrated, and just in time for the new year, 2018! Here's a clip of the New Years Eve ball drop and subsequent song and dance festival in New Donk City, in honour of Mayor Pauline:

Yes, Mayor Pauline was re-elected as New Donk City mayor following our amazingly popular KoopaTV Adventures Special Episode: New Donk, New Donk song that you absolutely must watch for this article to make sense. As you can see in the clip above, the New Donk people are wearing their yellow-and-purple Crazy Caps, and then they're even dancing to a post-election variation of New Donk, New Donk!

Here are some photos of the celebration if you can't see the whole video embedded above for some reason:

New Years Eve 2017 2018 New York Time Square Planet Fitness yellow purple hats
Look closely at all of the yellow-and-purple Crazy Caps in the crowd!

Super Mario Odyssey New Donk City Festival Crazy Cap purple yellow
A close-up of the New Donk City Festival performance, where they were performing the New Donk, New Donk variant.

New Years Eve 2018 New york Time Square dancing purple yellow hat falling off
They're dancing so joyously that this girl's Crazy Cap is about to fall off her head.

All of those Crazy Caps are important, since Crazy Cap sponsored that whole KoopaTV Adventures Special Episode, per the last minute of it. (SOMEONE'S gotta pay those pricey Tea Storm Studios people.)

If you can't see the whole video of the festival clip, hopefully you can at least hear the part where they're playing the New Donk, New Donk variant. I mean, Vortex sang it so beautifully, and it was so crucial to Mayor Pauline's re-election victory that they are playing it at her inauguration festival! Mayor Pauline even personally thanked Vortexica, though I'll talk in greater detail about their conversation later in this article.

Super Mario Odyssey Mayor Pauline New Donk City why thank you working hard good leader for everyone
Mayor Pauline wishes to keep working hard to be everyone's good leader, but...

First, though, we need to answer this: Where has Vortexica been? His first role is supposed to be as KoopaTV's international correspondent, not as a Pauline re-election campaign lackey.

Well, Vortexica wanted to fly off to Sydney, Australia on a vacation, in order to be able to experience the New Year first before anyone else in most of the world. East Australia is going to get you to 2018 a lot faster than being in the United Kingdom will, and especially compared that United States place. He planned to pay for the tourism expenses using KoopaTV's generous tax-cut-funded bonus check.

Vortexica planned to fly there using his own Decepticon transformation powers, but he was stopped very quickly because his helicopter blade was replaced by a fidget spinner some time ago. Probably a good thing, since if he had gone, this plane crash probably would've happened to him instead of this family of five British people. (Not to mention the Australian pilot who also died.)

So, Vortex had to celebrate the New Year in the United Kingdom, since the KoopaTV Sierra Leone office was rather empty besides Kamek. (Which is to say that it was rather empty.) As a result of being in the United Kingdom's London, he was almost one of the young men stabbed to death in London during the New Year celebration.

There is something to the United Kingdom being an incredibly dangerous place to come from. So, about that conversation between Pauline and Vortex? She extended him an invitation to the Metro Kingdom. Unfortunately, it is no safer in the Metro Kingdom than the United Kingdom, especially with the likes of MARIO and CAPPY roaming the New Donk City streets!

Super Mario Odyssey jumping on attacking assaulting Mayor Pauline New Donk City stoned face
Mario assaulting Pauline and getting away with it, while also wearing... a Crazy Cap?!

The Cappy proliferation has gone wild, and Vortex knows this. I mean, the Bonneters are everywhere in New Donk City, and have even extended to California. Vortexica didn't even watch The Game Awards 2017 where that was shown, but fortunately he caught up on the long-ass log and got informed. There isn't a Bonneter presence in the United Kingdom, unlike the other kingdoms. At least... not yet...

Vortex is going back to his United Kingdom bunker for now (he's alive and will hopefully remain alive so he can vote on KoopaTV's Game of THAT Year 2017 awards), which leaves me to ask one more point: what is going on with Crazy Cap?

Crazy Cap has sponsored the KoopaTV Adventures Special Episode. And Mario is sponsoring them, by funneling thousands of coins into their overpriced apparel and keeping them in business.

Look at this photo and try to convince me that Mario and Crazy Cap aren't in close cahoots:

Super Mario Odyssey Crazy Cap New Donk City flagship store sign logo
It's Mario wearing a Crazy Cap, on top of the Crazy Cap flagship store roof against a Crazy Cap backdrop.

With that said, does that mean that Mario indirectly funded the creation of the New Donk, New Donk song? As long as Crazy Cap is funding soon-to-be-award-winning KoopaTV projects, we can't boycott them or anything. Who boycotts their own sponsor?!

But if Mario is their patron devil, then nothing good can come of this. I bet he plotted this whole thing from the start! He identified a common enemy — Donkey Kong's candidacy for New Donk City mayor — and financially is exploiting it! ...Nah, he's too dumb to plot financial leverage out. It's probably Cappy's idea.

Once Cappy and Mario end up having financial power over KoopaTV through Crazy Cap, nothing will get in the way of their plot to eventually take over the United Kingdom, and do what ISIS hasn't been able to do yet — kill Vortexica! They're probably targeting the United Kingdom because of Vortex's role in KoopaTV's before-anyone-else exposé of Cappy's existence. Besides, getting a good foothold in Europe would be a logical follow-up after Cappy's role in screwing up Asia. And Cappy's gotta target the United Kingdom separately anyway, with Brexit being a thing. If not for Brexit, then all they'd have to do is control the European Union and they'd have Europe in one fell swoop!

I have proof of my speculation, of course. Vortexica once wrote an article titled, “Brexit Strategy: The Good Ship Britain Enters Uncharted Waters”. You know what is a ship that enters uncharted waters (and lots of other places)?

Super Mario Odyssey cutscene intermission festival towards Seaside Kingdom Cappy
Cappy plotting with Mario inside the flying Odyssey (which happens to have a GLOBE on the outside) after the New Years festival. ...KEEPING UP THE CHASE TOWARDS WORLD DOMINATION.


In the end, though, what we do know for certain is that the KoopaTV Adventures Special Episode New Donk, New Donk is amazing, and that it's probably a good thing that Pauline got re-elected mayor of New Donk City. But, damn, Crazy Cap has pretty much taken over that whole city with all their caps you can see on people's heads. I hope Pauline can clear Crazy Cap corruption!

One thing is clear for KoopaTV moving forward: KoopaTV needs more diverse sponsorships that aren't front groups for Mario and Cappy. If YOU would like to sponsor and fund KoopaTV's projects and you aren't associated with hat-based terrorism, please contact KoopaTV through this secure e-mail address: affiliates(at)koopatv(dot)org.

It finally happened: Cappy goes to the United Kingdom.
Vortex could not survive Cappy after all.
Thanks to how it incorporated both the past and the future, this article won KoopaTV's Best Enlightenment Movement Article of 2018!


  1. Vortexica always seems to fall into some predicament. I hope that this year he is safe and secure from any danger. As for Pauline, I wish her another productive year as mayor. She is one of the most qualified candidates in New Donk City, and I just could not imagine how the city would be without her leadership.


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