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Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Nintendo Pitch: Abort the Port Support!

By RAWKHAWK2010 - Hey Hey! Ho Ho! Sequelized ports have got to go!

Announced at the Nintendo Direct Mini (see the broken mess of a log article here) were a number of games that will be lifted from previous systems and re-released on the Nintendo Switch. Some call them "ports." Hey, I do too or the word wouldn't be in the title.

Before we get too deep into this, not all ports are bad. There are ports that use all the pre-existing architecture but still acknowledge some level of modern content standards, and then get released as something that even the veteran player can feel like they're revisiting and experiencing for the first time. A great example is Kirby Super Star Ultra. It's a port of Kirby Super Star that came out 12 years after the original's release, which is a pretty ideal time frame for this kind of thing (we'll get to that). It pressed all the nostalgia nodes a straight port would, and upon taking advantage of its own nostalgic framework, gave the player new content they didn't even know they wanted. HAL Laboratory was seizing an opportunity. (P.S. I know what y'all are all thinking: "Kirby Super Star Ultra is a remake, not a port!" And my response is that Ultra is 90% "port", 10% "make", and is brewed to be greater than the sum of its parts. If that's a "remake", then why is EVERY port not a remake?)

Kirby Super Star Ultra Helper to Hero Bonkers Best Time Ludwig PrinceOfKoopas
Unlike Smash and Mario Kart as of late, Ultra focused on what the player could do with its characters rather than just mindlessly add them.
This resulted in new modes that weren't complete garbage. Isn't that right, Best Time Bonkers™? (Credit: Ludwig)

In the decade since, someone has tricked Nintendo fans into thinking that ports needn't be held to standards whatsoever. Apparently any port and every port should celebrated, especially ones that just came out in the last few years. Why? Well according to them, no one played the Wii U which means Wii U ports are all like new games. Then for the few Wii U owners who did exist, they of course only played Nintendo exclusives so every third-party game ever is like a new game too. The creators of this narrative went so long "without games" that they'll defend pretty much every release imaginable. It's all or nothing for them. And what does a port do? A port surely just acts as a foothold for all the real games that will follow in years to come! Ahahahahahaha, bless y'all's pea pickin' hearts.

Hyrule Warriors should have had a legitimate sequel by now. Instead it's just been endlessly updated and ported instead of becoming an actual series, and instead of retaining any kind of momentum upon hitting the next console generation, it's just been repackaged as a (second) "Definitive Edition" and has the gall to reintroduce itself to fans as...what they just spent five years playing. Apparently the property is too scared to do anything from the ground-up when approaching new people as if the concept was lightning in a bottle from the very beginning. So uh......have fun restarting the same accomplishment checkerboard once again, dudes. When a series keeps itself alive via ports and not sequels, it's eventually going to forget that you, the longtime fan, ever existed.

Hyrule Warriors Cia Zelda Nintendo Koei Tecmo How do you do it knowing you get left behind Lana
>tfw a developer picks n00bs over you.

When a game is ported from the same half-decade it was originally released in (thus not even having nostalgia to evoke unless you're amnesiac), there's a large chance it will just fill the gap that would otherwise be reserved for a legitimate sequel. You could almost say they're stealing sequels' jobs and driving down wages for everyone. Donkey Kong fans have waited four years for Nintendo to announce the next Donkey Kong platformer following Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze aaaaand, well, there you go. That's it. Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze: The Cool Game is Back and Funkier Than Ever. There's no actual proof that it will be the only installment released before the system's end (much like the upcoming 
Super Smash Bros for Wii U DX + more DLC), but...what if it is? Would it really be that outrageous? Will Donkey Kong fans actually have any real "right" to complain when they have access to what is arguably the best Donkey Kong with enhanced resolution and an extra dude?

Well, I'll be complaining, because this is bullshit and is the epitome of pathetic Nintendo fan excuse-making. New levels? Nope, none of those despite almost every other DKC port managing to set aside time. Defenses include "Retro Studios and every other developer are too busy!" and "The game length is perfect as is!". Instead we have one new playable dude and nothing new to actually do with him besides make DK look even more boring and useless than the other Kongs, which was considered by many to be a huge flaw with the original game.

Guess it's further prove that Candy is cheating on him with Funky if you're into that. But that's not worth 60 dollars, aka more than what the game sold for to begin with. Take it away!

Yui Hirasawa K-ON! Donkey Kong Country Tropical Freeze dkvine
And into the trash it goes.

Rawk will not only not be buying this version of Donkey Kong: Tropical Freeze, but is advocating no one else buy it either, not even those who would be first-time adopters. Considering how horny he was for the game just five years ago, these must be some pretty serious anti-port principles.

Ludwig specifically has defined Kirby Super Star Ultra as a remake, not a port.
Mr. Koopa also wrote an article on all of the ports following the Nintendo Direct Mini, from the angle of what the Wii U still has left.


  1. I just want to say that my Bonkers score is probably in the top 50 of literally everyone who has ever played Kirby Super Star Ultra. Maybe more. It's really good.
    I spent countless (because the DS didn't have an Activity Log) hours going for very optimal scores for the new modes in Kirby Super Star Ultra (True Arena, Helper to Hero, Meta Knightmare Ultra) as well as Gourmet Race. Very good example of a remake.

  2. This is probably more of an aside, but I'm pretty confident that, with the new cutscenes, modes, and minigames, Kirby Super Star Ultra is definitely more than 10% "make."

    Anyway, for first-time adopters who happen to own a Wii U, would it be better to buy the Wii U version in your book?

    1. Thank you for pointing out that Rawk sucks with percentages. I told him the same thing.

      ...I'll leave him to respond to your question. (He might not ever do so!)

    2. "90%" is a figure of speech. That's why I didn't say something like "92%".

      And Wii U(sed) if it keeps from sending a direct economic message of "I just paid 60 US Dollars for Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze Returns because I think it's worth 60 US Dollars." Because it's not.

    3. Uh... agree to disagree.

      As the Wii U version is a Nintendo Selects ($19.99 MSRP), would that be a good economic message?

  3. If a game being ported or remastered is close to or over 10 years since its release, such as The Wind Waker, I do not mind at all. However, games being ported with only a few years separating them is slightly disappointing. While the fans got to play the original before everyone else, they now have to wait patiently for a sequel to come their way. I'm glad that Splatoon was not just ported to the Switch but received a proper sequel with a new story mode, new game modes, and upgraded textures and models. It would have been easy to just port the original and add a new character to the game like in Tropical Freeze, but instead the devs built upon the first game and shaped it into a title that can still stand alone from its predecessor.


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