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Monday, January 1, 2018

KoopaTV's December 2017 Review Newsletter

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - 2017 was kind of one of the best years of our lifetime. December helped a little.

Before I can officially usher in 2018 (though one of the first things I did today was update the copyright statement at the bottom to be 2013–2018), we need to review 2017. Erm... not the whole year (nominations for that are this Friday while the awards are next Monday, so go influence our thoughts in the comments section), just the last twelfth of it. DECEMBER! What else do you expect for a December 2017 review newsletter?

...Oh, well, there's new content and information in this newsletter too. They're just lower on the page. And if you want to know the results of the KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program round 17 (the BIGGEST ROUND EVER in terms of prizes and engagement — probably correlated), you'll have to get through the page break. Bwahahaha! 

Soviet Missile Run Released! Play It Here!

The biggest story of KoopaTV's December 2017, and I like to think the entire universe (certainly more than what 12 Diet Cokes a day does to your health), is that Soviet Missile Run has been released exclusively on KoopaTV. That's huge. If you're using a flash-enabled device (in other words, a computer with above shit-for-RAM), go play it. Highlight of your day. Otherwise, you can at least enjoy Soviet Missile Run's 30-second advertisement video.

Top Five Recommended Articles of December 2017

We've been the highlights of all of your weekdays for the whole month of December with our fantastic core product: the articles. They're all worth reading, believe me, but here are the top five recommended articles in chronological order for December 2017, not counting the Soviet Missile Run ones:

  1. Nintendo and Post Consumer Brands: Celiac Discrimination! — Nintendo has teamed up (but not in a contest sponsorship position) with Post cereal to give buyers of the cereal a really low chance to win a Nintendo Switch. Does this discriminate against those on a gluten-free diet?
  2. Sweaters vs. Socks Splatfest... More War on Squidmas?! — Why you should prefer receiving socks as a gift instead of a sweater for the Squidmas season.
  3. UPS Held My Amiibo Hostage — The month-long saga of how UPS screwed up Ludwig's simple amiibo order request from Nintendo's store.
  4. Need a Present for Teenagers? The Ultimate Holiday and Birthday Gift Guide  — Need to give someone a gift? Make it CASH!
  5. Why Amtrak Shouldn't Exist — Kamek's coffee-fueled rant on why people shouldn't use the Amtrak service, or support trains in general.
I spent an inordinate amount of time deciding those top five articles. Rawk was all, “[pick what you want,] just no two Splatfests.” I really like both of the Splatfest articles from December, dammit. Still, we don't have a runner-up policy for this section of our newsletters, except to say that every article on KoopaTV is worth reading.

Moving on, here's the part you're probably most interested in:

KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program Round 17 RESULTS!

Round 17 was the biggest KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program ever, with 502 total points. That's a record, and that's not just from point inflation. It was a commenting record! It also features the most amount of prizes given out for a Loyalty Rewards Program round, at $25 for first place, $12.05 for second place, $10 for third place, and $10 to a randomly-selected person based on a raffle system. (All in Amazon money.)

And the top-rankers are...

  1. ShinyGirafarig — 97 points — $25 Amazon code
  2. Kody B. — 81 points — $12.05 Amazon code
  3. Nandin Lopez — 78 points — $10 Amazon code
  4. Stray Dog — 62 points
  5. Lheticus Videre — 53 points
  6. Charssie god — 42 points
  7. Samantha Lienhard — 33 points
Okay, top seven is a lot. Now, before I even get to the raffle, I need to mention a complication. You see, in the comments section for the KoopaTV October 2017 Review Newsletter, Kody B. said that he'll donate his prize to the first place winner if it wasn't him. Nandin and Lheticus concurred. Lo and behold, Nandin and Kody B. are in third and second place, so does that mean I should go ahead and give $47.05 to ShinyGirafarig?

Personally, I don't care about collusion between KoopaTV's players if it doesn't degrade engagement. Y'all work that out. Let's just see about this raffle, because that's what gives hope to not-as-loyal people.

Basically, the amount of points you won is the amount of raffle tickets you get, and it's decided by's RNG. Below the sums horizontal line on the Leaderboard spreadsheet is the order in which the raffle goes, so ShinyGirafarig will win if it's a number between 1 and 97, while Senator Luther Strange will win if it's 447, 448, or 449. (If it's him, I'll probably have to do a re-draw. According to the rules, if I can't give you your prize in a week, I re-draw it.)

Raffle Drawing 1

So, I wrote all that before I did the random number generator. Now... let's see!

...If Luther Strange made one more comment the next day, he would've won.

This means Rainbow Rocket Grunt Pixel wins the raffle! Very miraculous, since she only had six points. One... small problem for me is that I have no way of contacting her. Oh well! It's the KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program for a reason: loyal people will read this newsletter and know they won!

I hope she shows up in the next week (168 hours as of publishing, which is 7:50 PM Eastern, January 8) to claim her prize, or else I'll have to do it again in a week and I'll probably make an edit to this article about it. Or if I'm in a really filler mood, dedicate an entire article to it on Monday.

Raffle Drawing 2

We're back! Today is January 8, and Rainbow Rocket Grunt Pixel is nowhere to be found after a week. So, I did another random number generator drawing. This time the number is...


That means the winner of the KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program Round 17 raffle is... VANESSA TSUKINO! Vanessa's range of winning numbers was 478 to 497. If Vanessa had made one less comment, she wouldn't have won this raffle. See? Every point counts.

Vanessa Tsukino has one week to claim her prize, but fortunately for me (and her), she's made herself readily available to contact, so she actually will be able to receive the thing. YAY!

Announcing KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program Round 18

Fortunately for logistics sake, Round 18 is a lot simpler. It's running from NOW (January 1, 2018) to the end of February 2018, and that's only 28 days long this year.

Let's return to simpler prizes. The prize this time? A $10 Nintendo eShop gift card code! One of the ones that I'm strangely sniffing in this video.

I get that bigger prizes get bigger site activity, but we still would like decent and growing site activity without having to do big stunts like that. I mean, I think we deserve it!

New KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program Features

Starting in 2018, we will not only be highlighting our top recommended articles in these newsletters as per usual, but we will also highlight YOUR comments as well! We will have a Best Three Comments of the Month section, and a Worst Comment of the Month section. (Hopefully, the worst comment won't be that bad...)

If your comment is in one of the Best Three Comments of the Month, then you will get an additional +3 points for being featured! The same person can be featured all three slots in a month (and they could conceivably do that all within the same day), so you should be putting in that truth and levity. If you're “featured” as one of the worst comments, then nothing happens to your score. I just hope there won't be people trying to make awful comments on purpose just to get featured...

Also, we removed the frequency limitation for Referral Points, and increased the reward from +4 to +6 points. You get that if someone comes to the comments section and name-drops you that they referred you there.

ALSO, there are new one-time methods relating to Soviet Missile Run! Writing a review as a guest post, and uploading a Let's Play of it. I also decreased (but not eliminated) the point gain values incentivising activity on our older games, since, you know, they're not the focus of our promotional efforts.

Corrections Corner

Apparently in my bylined section of Roxy's farewell article, I spelled “FAKE NEWS” as “FAKE ENWS.” Thanks to Nandin Lopez for pointing that out, though he insinuated that I used an exclamation mark. I did NOT use an exclamation mark. I used a period. He's like Elaine from Seinfeld. (She suspiciously looks like Pauline in the thumbnail.)

I think I'm onto something, since he used more exclamation marks than periods and question marks combined in his latest guest article back from October.

KoopaTV Feedback Form and Quiz Part XIV Now Available

Go have fun with them on KoopaTV's Feedback Forms and Quizzes page. You might want to try Soviet Missile Run first to get the most out of them, which is totally discriminatory against mobile-trash-only users, but you know my attitudes towards that.

This sure took a long time to put together! You might not see it, but the staff (Ludwig) is continually trying to make these review newsletters of greater value for readers, instead of the filler content that they once were. Make it worth it by sharing KoopaTV articles to people you know! (Or total strangers.)

Click here to read the previous month's review newsletter!
Click here to read next month's review newsletter! Featuring those best and worst comments for the first time.
How about that December 2016 from last year, eh? Pretty nice.
How about that December 2018 from next year, hm? ...Well, it's the future. Be scared.


  1. I will give Nandin and Kody B. the chance to back out if they wish. If it is okay may I at least get the $25 meanwhile? I want to finally buy something for THE BABY that I have been holding off because of the loyalty program.

    1. It's good, I'm going to stick to my word. After all, I think us readers should talk to each other more, and not just to Ludwig.

    2. Also, I firmly believe that whenever something is in ALL CAPS, it warrants an exclamation point.

    3. I say that as I forget to put my exclamation point.

    4. I agree, y'all should talk to one another more. Makes it more interesting for everyone, including me. (Just... not to yourself.)
      I sent ShinyGirafarig her prize, as well as your's. I won't force people to keep their word on KoopaTV, since that's not how I was raised.

  2. I am proud to announce that my upcoming guest article will have more periods than exclamation points, so I expect that to please you.

    Also, I will stick by my word that she can have the $10 Amazon gift card. After all, mothers are going to need every cent when taking care of a child. (That's probably why I'm into the MOTHER series.)

    1. That statement isn't more about me, but about my loving mother. She shaped me to be the individual I am today!

  3. I did make a promise and I intend to keep it. However, I did not specify which reward that I am giving up. To me, the satisfaction of knowing that I was the most active person on this site is the real reward. ShinyGirafarig now holds the honor. I hope she enjoys and cherishes it every moment until I regain the title back the next round.

    In all seriousness, she can have the gift card too. I did not need it anyway.

    1. Well, let's fact-check that and see who the winners have been.

      Round 17: ShinyGirafarig
      Round 16: Kody B.
      Round 15: ShinyGirafarig
      Round 14: ShinyGirafarig
      Round 13: Lheticus Videre
      Round 12: Nandin Lopez
      Round 11: ShinyGirafarig
      Round 10: ShinyGirafarig
      Round 9: ShinyGirafarig
      Round 8: ShinyGirafarig
      Round 7: ShinyGirafarig
      Round 6: ShinyGirafarig
      Round 5: Samantha Lienhard
      Round 4: ShinyGirafarig
      Round 3: Samantha Lienhard
      Round 2: charssie god
      Round 1: Martino X

      (Not including yours truly.)

      Alright, I'll give it to her.

    2. I am still waiting for it as of this comment before my make my Amazon purchase for THE BABY!

    3. ...Hey, I was horrified to have to write that you actually won a round at some point.

      Just sent Girafarig $12.05.


    4. hey atleast my pc is almost done

    5. Getting your resolution completed right away?

    6. I just placed my order. THE BABY is going to be very happy.

    7. yeh it'll be done before February

    8. ShinyGirafarig is ordering Charssie's PC.


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