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Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Sweaters vs. Socks Splatfest... More War on Squidmas?!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Socks. Duh.

To put it mildly, discussion of sweaters or socks are unexplored discussion points on KoopaTV. But Splatoon 2 is forcing an article on Sweaters vs. Socks because of the Splatfest happening this weekend, December 16, 2017.


Splatoon 2 Splatfest Marina Octivus morning sweaters socks
Which lousy gift would you rather get? Dumb socks or an ugly sweater?

Ugly sweaters have a small history of being mentioned as an alternative to buying an Ace Attorney game on the Nintendo eShop while the eShop was closed at the end of 2013, alongside an ObamaCare premium. Otherwise, they have only been mentioned in reference to Rick Santorum's affinity for sweater-vests, or “Santorum's weird sweater fetish.” That's far from an appealing record.

As for socks, Rawk uses socks to prevent his chair from stabbing him in the elbow. There was also some character named OddSock that talked in LittleBigPlanet 3. (I didn't realise that franchise was all-in on CamelCase.)

It's clear that KoopaTV has no prior interest in these forms of apparel, and Pearl and Marina both express hesitation in giving a full-throated endorsement of their chosen team. Their close-up lines of dialogue aren't very inspiring:

Splatoon 2 Splatfest Pearl sweaters close-up a little effort gift
“A sweater shows they at least put a LITTLE effort into finding a gift.” - Pearl.
How does a sweater show any additional effort versus a pair of socks?
Splatoon 2 Splatfest Marina socks hide under pants and shoes
“At least you can hide socks under pants and shoes.” - Marina.
Marina goes for the impact-minimisation route.

Allow me to stop giving background and provide my thoughts.

I have no idea what sweaters are even used for. What is their purpose? Upper-body warmth? Why choose a sweater over a coat? A jacket? Several shirts? You look at the Ice Climbers, and they're outfitted in parkas. Personally, I prefer to be draped in a blanket. What advantage does a sweater have?

And just... look at the word sweater. Say sweater. Sweater. Sweater. A sweater is someone who sweats, like a reader is someone who reads. You want to WEAR that? You want to BECOME a sweater? I don't know about you, but I'm not into sweat. If Rick Santorum is associated with sweater-vests, Marco Rubio is associated with plain-ol’ sweating. That's not desirable, believe me. They're both SAD!

Anyone who gives you a sweater as a gift wants you to have hideous fashion and wants you to perspire, perhaps for some devious objective.

I don't own any sweaters and haven't ever worn one before. My upper-body is fine with fire inside, and I can't see the sweater going well with my spikes.

Socks, though? Socks protect the extremities that most need protection: Your feet, and especially the toes. Those are the furthest away from my body's heat centre, and Raynaud's Disease and cold feet are serious, widespread problems.

Unlike sweaters, socks don't have suitable replacements. The closest thing are shoes, and shoes and boots are horrible things that you shouldn't wear. (Yes, KoopaTV already has an entire article dedicated to shoes, but not sweaters or socks.) While shoes are used for immense evil and head-stomping, socks are substantially more fluffy and serve a benign and useful purpose of keeping your feet warm, with no associated societal destruction.

BEHOLD THIS PHOTO OPPORTUNITY:

Ludwig Von Koopa plushie Plushwig socks scarf Jigglypuff amiibo plush
It's very fitting that Plushwig is wearing plush socks with a plush scarf.

Here's a rule of thumb: The longer the socks, the better they feel and the more comforting they are against the elements. If you're a girl or me, the longer your socks, the more attractive you will be.

Just ask Margaret Moonlight of No More Heroes 2. Her song, Philistine, features the following, absolutely true, lyrics:
“Thigh high socks are my absolute territory,
Go on and drool, the Otaku can not resist.”
Also in the song, Margaret says her name is Greek for “Pearl”. It's a shame that Splatoon 2's Pearl is on Team Sweater...

I'm pleased Margaret's socks reach up to the thigh, because thighs are higher up than knees. (I had to research that, because when I try to look up human anatomy and where the thighs are, all I get are weird diagrams about whatever the hell a femur is. Femur sounds like a Pokémon or something.) If you look at the above photo, while it may be hard to tell with the big scarf (scarves are also quite attractive), my socks go up my entire leg to my waist, and extend out pretty far from that.

I love long socks.

For an example, check out how much better Dawn looks with even marginally longer socks and a scarf (and a coat, not a SWEATER!) compared to non-winter-clothed Dawn.

Even if your socks are ugly or “dumb” as Pearl would put it (and I'd rather have a dumb sock than some fancy smart sock connected to the Internet), there is still functionality and additional protection by wearing things over that. Sweaters are the most exterior layer, and cannot be hidden. Sweaters are much more constraining, while socks enable you the freedom to move your feet through cold elements.

Though, I'd wear long socks even on hot days.

Especially if they were socks designed like these:

Bowser socks face sprite
BOWSER SOCKS! (I don't own these.)

Now that socks' superiority over sweaters is established, let's circle back to what Marina said:
“No one wants to open that up on Octivus morning!”
Excuse me? Octivus? What the hell is she trying to pull on Inkling society? Inklings don't celebrate Octivus!

Splatoon 2 Splatfest Marina Squidmas morning holiday celebrate sweaters socks
Damn right, Marina. You Octoling scum are the ones behind the Turf War on Squidmas!

Fortunately, I don't make my decisions based on which Off the Hook member I prefer. Despite Marina's Octivus propaganda. I will fight for the sanctity of socks, and if that suspicious Octoling benefits from some televised feud, so be it. She's not important right now.


The holiday season is upon people. It's an awful time, but Ludwig hasn't received any gifts. There's a 0% chance he'll get a sweater, and a minuscule chance he could get socks. At the time of writing, he has not tried out the new Clam Blitz mode in the game. Bowser sock photos are hat-tipped from ShinyGirafarig. She also tried to get Ludwig to post sweater pictures, but obviously he didn't do that.


The Splatfest article before this one was some European media crap that ended up with a terrible outcome when it happened in the game.
The non-European Splatfest article before this one was on Team Sci-Fi vs. Team Fantasy.
The holiday Splatfest for Splatoon was Naughty vs. Nice. Ludwig was on Team Naughty, as you might expect.
Team Socks lost in a horrible fashion, and Ludwig blames Marina.

39 comments :

  1. Replies
    1. Knee socks are hot.
      Sweaters are disgusting.

      Delete
    2. Yes, you're right.

      Anything you want to add that I didn't already say in the article?

      Delete
    3. i didnt read the article, so no.

      Delete
    4. ...Typical. Have fun with 0 comment points.

      Delete
    5. ...Come on, read the article. It feeds into your confirmation bias.

      Delete
    6. Your articles are typically bad opinions that hurt me.

      Delete
    7. Well the whole point of this article is expanding on your original comment here. <_<

      Delete
    8. the point is that sweaters are gay

      Delete
  2. Actually, I legit like special Christmas socks like those ones in the second to last image. I once got Pokemon themed ones in my stocking and I was really happy with them. Wore 'em to bed on the few cold nights we have, till I got them lost.

    Also, sweaters are itchy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aren't stockings literally just unwearable socks?

      Who puts socks in stockings? <_<

      Delete
    2. No no no I mean the oversized stockings that people hang up at Christmas time that people put gifts in. Actual stockings that someone could wear would be to these things like garden gloves would be to giant foam fingers worn to sporting events.

      Delete
    3. Yeah, but, I mean, they're sock-shaped, aren't they?

      It's a sock-inception.

      Delete
  3. I do not generate much body heat so I like both socks and sweaters. Too many layers of shirts restricts my movement too so a sweater helps with only having one thick article of clothes. I dislike wearing a coat indoors because that also will restrict my movement. I also remember my mother and I bought an expensive gift for my father and he hated how much we spent on him so my mother joked about getting him socks from now on so I do not have fond memories about socks as a gift.

    I might want to try the Uniqlo innerwear that the Japanese Splatfest had recently sponsored for. They seem to have the warmth of a sweater but the same thickness of a shirt.

    Also I am annoyed they did not go with Octannuka for Marina. Festivus is meant as a satire on Christmas while Hannukah and Christmas can live alongside each other as they come from different religions and one is not meant to replace the other. I celebrate Hannukah and I am respectful of those who celebrate Christmas. Also Hannukah has 8 nights and octopuses have eight limbs. Come on Treehouse, the pun is right there for you to use and I know how much Treehouse loves their puns.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. H-How much upper body movement do you need?!
      I added parkas and blankets to the list of sweater alternatives, especially since I use blankets.
      I haven't gotten socks as a present, but I have gotten pants. ...I was upset, but to their credit, they turned out to be really warm and nice pants.

      I had no idea what the hell was going on in Japan since I just saw INNER WEAR vs. OUTER WEAR and I'm happy you didn't ask me to write about that or something. <_<

      To your last paragraph: If they did that, I wouldn't be able to write this hysterical tweet. ...At least, I found it hilarious writing it:
      " KoopaTV‏ @TheREALKoopaTV
      12h12 hours ago

      http://www.koopatv.org/2017/12/sweaters-vs-socks-splatfest-squidmas-splatoon-2.html …
      The War on Squidmas continues with fake holidays like #Octivus and #Hanukkah !"

      No Jewish conspiracy in Nintendo's Treehouse, I guess.

      Delete
    2. You know that might be me in the screenshots there doing everything you hate. This is what I was wearing in the Square that someone got a screenshot of: https://www.reddit.com/r/splatoon/comments/7jfp9a/this_is_an_easy_choice_for_mabel/

      I have the real life Firefin knitted hat from Nintendo NY so I put it on because it was winter themed and thought it was fitting.

      Delete
    3. W-Wait... so the Inkling Girl in the screenshots I took for this article taking photos with her smartphone of Pearl...
      ...IS YOU?!

      Delete
    4. Looks like it. To be fair you want me in the opposite team anyway. Baby distracts me so I might lose more often giving you a free win. Or I just have low self esteem of myself.

      Delete
    5. Will playing with a sweater on get in the way of controlling your Inkling, too?

      Delete
    6. Yeah. I actually did not expect to play this weekend at all to be honest. I was supposted to be going to a different state for my brother's family and stay by them but then they pushed it off to the next day and not to stay by them meaning my baby will stay up way too long and mess with her sleep cycle.

      I just chose Sweater without much thought except I like Mabel from Gravity Falls because if I was not going to participate in the Splatfest, might as well try to scrub off chunks for cheap. And now I am not even going to my brother so whoops.

      Delete
    7. I'll be disappearing during the weekend on Sunday, so Saturday is still open for me to play Splatoon 2. :)

      Dunno when I'll get to try Clam Blitz.

      Delete
    8. To tell you the truth, I am really burnt out from Splatoon 2 now. I really pushed to grind all those Ink Recovery chunks and I suffered from too much salt from all that grinding.

      I am really tempted to skip this Splatfest and just continue sewing plushies instead for my daughter's upcoming birthday. Even if I win, the salt really hurts my night. And if this team loses I will just suffer anyway with you mocking me.

      Delete
    9. As someone who kinda only plays games during the weekends, I'm happily unburnt and looking forward to any opportunity I can get for nice Splatoon action. :)


      ...Yeah, I'm a total jerk.

      Delete
    10. I might want to get you those Bowser socks as a gift.

      Delete
    11. ...Awwwwww. ^___^;

      ...how would you ship it? <_<;

      Delete
    12. I will give you a Target e-giftcard for $5 and you will either pay the shipping yourself or get it shipped to a Target for free and then you can pick up. Hopefully you do not get taxed on clothing items wherever you live.

      Delete
    13. Target is so far from where I am. >_>;

      I won a Target gift card in a Super Smash Bros. Brawl tournament in college that is still in my wallet to this day since I've never passed by a Target since then.

      Delete
    14. So maybe you can use your Target gift card from the tournament and I can cover the cheapest shipping to your location with a e-gift card.

      Delete
    15. Ehhhhhh I dunno, doesn't strike me as a particularly solid idea for a pair of cheap socks. >_>

      Delete
  4. I'd have to go with socks myself. I have five pairs of Sailor Moon socks, and I keep up with them better than most of my other ones. :p

    Other reason is that I hate anything with long sleeves except thick coats during winter. I put on a short sleeve shirt so that way I'm not sweating in school. Hoodies are also a pain when you have to wear a coat over them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wot do you mean by keeping up with the socks?

      I got the impression that hoodies were a replacement for coats.

      Delete
  5. There is one thing that you failed to mention. While socks may be more practical, sweaters are the more expensive gift. Since the Splatfest is based on two undesirable items and assuming each would come with gift a receipt, I would choose the sweater and then return it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I clearly don't think socks are undesirable, unless they're ankle socks or something. Then screw ‘em.

      Do people usually attach receipts to gifts they provide? I mean, why not just give people cash, which is what I've been advocating for years?

      Socks are so practical that it doesn't matter which sock you put on which foot. Unless it does matter and I've been doing it wrong.

      Delete
  6. I once gave my crush cute pink socks with owls on them for her birthday.

    However little did I know I was dealing with a person that didn't wear socks, hated pink and detested owls.

    So that is how that goes ...

    ReplyDelete
  7. ░░░░░░░░▄██████▄
    ░░░░░░░█▀▀▀██▀▀▀▄
    ░░░░░░░█▄▄▄██▄▄▄█ YOU HAVE BEEN ABDUCTED BY
    ░░░░░░░▀█████████
    ░░░░░░░░▀███▄███▀░░ THE ALIEN
    ░░░░░░░░░▀████▀░░░░░
    ░░░░░░░▄████████▄░░░░ FOR CHOOSING
    ░░░░░░████████████░░░░ SOCKS

    TEAM SWEATERS! ♥

    Because Pearlie says so :p

    AND because lets say you're in Antartica and you're naked. You're only given two choices.
    A sweater to keep your upper body warm.... Or some dumb socks to only keep your selfish feet warm.

    The sweater is obviously the better choice.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, huh. It automatically marked your comment as SPAM.

      If I'm in Antarctica and I'm being given an article of clothing as a gift from someone else, and I'm naked and freezing, I'm going to assault the gift giver and take all their clothes for myself.

      Delete

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