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Friday, June 9, 2017

Watchin' E3 In Our Beautiful Chairs

By RAWKHAWK2010 - WHAT DO I SEE? BELIEVE IT OR NOT IT'S ’TV!



Well, it's almost here. E3 — the fifth to be experienced by KoopaTV.org. And I, RawkHawk2010, who doesn't write articles unless it's absolutely necessary, which means you know this one's important, recognizes the need to discuss one E3 detail in particular.

The chairs.

What, you don't watch E3 standing up, do you? I didn't think so. The chairs are the control panels from which the reactions are made, the logs are written, and the whole shebang remembered. And you can bet that as diverse as KoopaTV is in the areas of ideology, location, race, and diseases, the chairs don't stray. So without further ado...:

Rawk's Chair:


Rawk's Chair Viva Pinata Jerry-rigged Sitting Duck RawkHawk2010
You can tell it's mine because of the Viva Piñata mousepad on the desk. (Thanks Rare!)

This chair has been in a state of gradual collapse since long-before KoopaTV's inception. The pillow, packaging material, and shirt that looks like it belongs on a maintenance man are there to keep me from falling into a sinkhole caused by the chair's erosion. The socks are on the left arm to conceal literal exposed screws from drilling into my elbow. I've always thought it to be a serviceable jerry-rigging, but now that I'm actually talking about it, I'm gradually starting to feel the pain something fierce. It may turn out that I have to stand for this thing after all! ...But until then I'm a sitting duck.

Ludwig's Chair:


We don't know what that green thing to the left is.

Don't ask me why Ludwig is sitting outside for E3. It's supposed to be thunder-storming in Sierra Leone for the next two weeks and for all I know the rest of the year. My guess is that, inspired by Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney — Spirit of Justice which I've only played five minutes of but will eventually return to since I'm currently in the process of playing the rest of the series and like it, he's trying to do the Divination Séance thing to get a spiritual vision. Except instead of seeing the last few seconds of a dead person's life, he's trying to see the first few seconds of Nintendo's briefing. Alternatively, he's out of a house and is waiting for the government to compensate him after it gets infrastructure spending.

Kamek's Chair:


Kamek room bed Ultralink1000 Ultralink1 streamer chair phone
Precarious position for a phone!

One could say this chair is ideal for coverage. In fact, this is where Kamek covered Yooka-Laylee via his Twitch stream before me, a backer, even played it (and still hasn't) because Playtonic Games can't figure out how to develop for Nintendo hardware. Anyway, this chair is cool because it lights up according to whatever is currently on screen, in this case the misty water spray of Glittzerglaze Glacier. This chair is also not cool because that darkness can't be good for your eyes, likely explaining why all Magikoopas wear glasses. Still, it's like a dance club in there, and Kamek should capitalize on this by dancing throughout the conference. We'll do an article on it.

Wendy's Chair:


We didn't start the fire!♪ (...oh wait yes we did)

Last time we checked, the currently-absent Wendy O. Koopa wasn't in Sierra Leone but rather Canada. She's in “Manitoba” which is separated from Alberta by a mere one province (“Saskatchewan”), which means she could be surrounded by the spreading flames of Bowser's Alberta Annexation this very second! (The fact that Canadian chairs are all made of cheap, government-subsidized, ultra-flammable lumber like everything else up there doesn't help matters.) Fortunately, Wendy has the power of Water on her side which against Fire is super-effective, so we believe she should be able to watch E3 uninhibited.

Vortexica's Chair:


It's all coming together...

This may be the most significant chair of the bunch, because it pretty much explains all the problems Vortexica has been having lately. It explains why his internet has been so consistently inconsistent. It explains his bedridden state from the trauma of multiple attempted attacks on his life by Radical Islam. It explains why he doesn't want to be anywhere with windows so that he doesn't have to see what's happening to Not So Great Britain in general. Vortex may welcome the sweet embrace of death, but even so, he's not going to let death get between him and E3! I say that's the spirit.

The only thing is that we received this particular photo from sources close to Vortex (verified by Washington Post) and not Vortex himself (we haven't heard from him since he went to vote yesterday), and this brings to mind that that suspicious lounging cat is unknown to us. Does Vortex own a cat? He could own a dog! Like this one to whom I (badly) whistle Deadly Premonition's "Life is Beautiful" to to pacify him.



(Me, nor this dog, have actually even played the game.)

The KoopaTV chairs are subject to change if extreme excitement or disappointment causes one to break, but these are the ones we're heading in with. NOW LET THE SITTING COMMENCE.


What chair will you be watching E3 from? Can you even sit in a single chair if you're like Mario and look like this? Let KoopaTV know in the comments!


When should YOU be glued to your seat? Check out the E3 2017 Schedule!
Vortexica's sitting situation is elaborated on here.

6 comments :

  1. That is quite a variety of chairs. Anyway, I hope that Vortexica returns soon and that Ludwig is compensated as soon as possible. I would not have known he was even homeless.
    As for me, I'm planning to stand up more during this year's E3 considering sitting for long periods of time is not really good for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fortunately it looks like the annual E3 massacres are already out of the way (unlike last year where the deadliest mass-shooting by a single shooter in US history was within hours of EA's conference), so Vortex should remain alive for this. Should.

      Delete
  2. Wendy and Ludwig share chairs, as they are the same person.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wendy even randomly commented here.

      She's trying to get us to use Discord instead of AIM.

      Delete

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