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Friday, June 23, 2017

Reminder: Mario and Cappy CAPTURED Shinzō Abe!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Always go out into the world with PROTECTION!

Exactly ten months ago — August 23, 2017 — we EXPOSED the evils of Mario's cap: The being we now know as Cappy, thanks to the E3 2017 reveals about Super Mario Odyssey. When we talked about what Cappy did to Japan's Prime Minister Shinzō Abe, we described it as merely the beginning of more horrors to come:
“In fact, it's an extremely concerning event that we should all brace ourselves for!”

Not much has really changed since that article, in terms of what happened or how it happened. Cappy is the ultimate evil in our universe, and she (...I'm assuming their gender) has allied with Mario, the ultimate evil in my world. It's a potent and deadly combination. Not even the trees are safe.

Super Mario Odyssey Cappy Mario's Cap holding merging
This is the moment that our fates were sealed... for ruination.

Is there anything we can do to survive? Well, maybe? That's what this article wants to explore.

There are two clear defences to being captured by Cappy. The first is to be too small, like a micro-Goomba (Mario has... other ways of using Goomba bodies, however). That's not practical for most people reading this article. The second defence is to already be wearing a hat. We can see back ten months ago that Shinzō Abe was NOT wearing anything on his head. This made him defenceless. Not a good thing to be. 

Super Mario Odyssey Cappy capturing human Shinzō Abe bowing submission Japan Prime Minister KoopaTV Rio 2016 Closing Ceremony hat New Donk City suit tie
Artist's rendition of Mario DIRECTLY capturing Prime Minister Abe.
(Recall that what actually happened was that Shinzō Abe nervously put Mario's Cap on his head in a car, and the cap did the rest.)

That's why King Dad is wearing such a dapper hat, and the Broodals all have hats as well.

But... I don't have any hat on. If I encounter Mario, what will I do if he decides to capture ME? My whole life will be over and he'll leave me to die in the desert on some giant pillar! There won't be a KoopaTV, and more importantly, there won't be a me!

Well, I've been trying to invest in head-wear, which you can see in this Miiverse post. My criteria is something that's stylish, protective, and does not ruin my spectacular hair. My ultimate selection is this: 

Ludwig Von Koopa Mario Jigglypuff hat Cappy Super Smash Bros. For Wii U screenshot Odyssey Wrecking Crew on head
I chose a hat with its own hat, so I have DOUBLE the protection!

You know, it used to be that all a Koopa needed to survive in the world was a hardy shell. But people kept stomping on those shells. So some Koopas developed spikes. But then plumbers got hammers. Then some Koopas went to Paratroopa training, and had spiky-shells. I don't really know how one stops that, but Mario has his ways. Among them is now being able to snatch the body of Koopas away.

Now we gotta wear hats and helmets in order to keep up with the adaptation process. I mean, it's not unheard of for me to wear hats, but I'd really rather not.

No one wants to end up like Shinzō Abe. To this day, the guy is making totally ineffective decisions and his administration is rife with scandal. No doubt he has been totally scarred by the experience of being captured by Cappy. Perhaps Cappy is responsible for Shinzō Abe's dropping poll numbers, by literally holding him captive to all kinds of blackmail? He's doing what is bad for Japan, but great for Cappy and Mario.

Maybe that explains Nintendo's rising stock price as of late. Well, we don't want Koopa Kingdom to end up like Japan! No special treatment for ANYONE but ourselves, and we won't be held captive to the demands of terrorists!

If you have ideas on how to defeat the red menace (being Mario) and Cappy, please leave your thoughts in the comments section below! You will be rewarded in the KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program, which has Round 14 ending in less than a week. You may also be a hero to Koopa Kingdom, Japan, and many other places if your advice is really good.

Ludwig has worn Luigi's hat before, but his mind didn't get possessed. He was just made fun of.
Ludwig got a Nintendo Switch and took pictures of himself (and Jigglypuff) with it. He may use the Joy-Con Grip as a hat!
Taking over Japan's Prime Minister is merely one step in Cappy's plan for regional annihilation.
Super Mario Odyssey has now been released.
This article continues the blackmail theory, since Shinzō Abe is no longer Japan's Prime Minister, and the new guy is who orchestrated the scandals.
In late 2020, Ludwig and his Jigglypuff are officially deemed as having no headwear, which makes them vulnerable to Cappy, after all. Shinzō Abe was assassinated and died on July 8, 2022. Cappy did not appear to be involved.


  1. I think what I'm about to say is an offensive approach to Cappy, but it requires outside assistance.

    Step 1: Get Kirby.
    Step 2: Inhale Mario (and Cappy).
    Step 3: ???
    Step 4: Profit (or the end of universes as we know it)!

    I dunno, but if Cappy is going to mark the end of our times, why not bring another cosmic adventurer along, being Kirby?

    1. That cosmic adventurer is also possibly a bringer of destruction, bringing terrorism and wrecking economies.

    2. So... the end of universes as we know it.

    3. ...Yeah, things are just not looking good for us normally-powered folks.

  2. Cappy has to be one of the most evil masterminds in the entire universe. Out of all of the people she could have chosen to possess, she chose Mario. What could be the reason behind her decision? I believe it is to take control of the KoopaTV Kingdom and steal Bowser's rightful place on the throne. Why else would she care about a wedding between Peach and King Koopa? Cappy must be stopped no matter the cost.

    1. KoopaTV Kingdom? Hey, when we celebrate having our own domain name that doesn't make it a kingdom 'n' all. We're still the propagandists for the plain ol' Koopa Kingdom, no TVs involved.

      But, yeah, Cappy will bring disaster to not only our plans, be they romantic or conquestal, but also YOUR plans, be they... whatever the hell you do with your time. I DON'T KNOW, BUT CAPPY WILL RUIN IT ALL.

  3. Seeing this article reminds me to finish my guest post about the Nintendo NYC demo.

    Would tiny hair accessories help? Like how a simple four leaf clover can be worn on the head in Animal Crossing: New Leaf.

    1. ...oh yeaaaah you said that would exist. ^_^

      I don't know if that would help. In order to figure these things out, we have to do real-life experiments, and that's rather dangerous to the test subjects' health.

    2. I finally submitted it. I hope I corrected all my errors before submitting and made the formatting correct. Of course errors means that others can get points off me. Maybe you you should close a possible loophole of guest that submit articles to not be able to correct their own articles for points afterwards.

    3. Others ain't gettin' points off you. You submitting stuff can't give anyone else points.

      Honestly, unless we're given an article in hideous shape (in which case, we just might not even accept it), formatting doesn't factor in unless you don't submit all the parts that we want. (You dunno how often people don't put footers or wotever.)

      We do want good spelling and grammar, though.


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