Exactly ten months ago — August 23, 2017 — we EXPOSED the evils of Mario's cap: The being we now know as Cappy, thanks to the E3 2017 reveals about Super Mario Odyssey. When we talked about what Cappy did to Japan's Prime Minister Shinzō Abe, we described it as merely the beginning of more horrors to come:
“In fact, it's an extremely concerning event that we should all brace ourselves for!”
Not much has really changed since that article, in terms of what happened or how it happened. Cappy is the ultimate evil in our universe, and she (...I'm assuming their gender) has allied with Mario, the ultimate evil in my world. It's a potent and deadly combination. Not even the trees are safe.
|This is the moment that our fates were sealed... for ruination.|
Is there anything we can do to survive? Well, maybe? That's what this article wants to explore.
There are two clear defences to being captured by Cappy. The first is to be too small, like a micro-Goomba (Mario has... other ways of using Goomba bodies, however). That's not practical for most people reading this article. The second defence is to already be wearing a hat. We can see back ten months ago that Shinzō Abe was NOT wearing anything on his head. This made him defenceless. Not a good thing to be.
|Artist's rendition of Mario DIRECTLY capturing Prime Minister Abe.|
(Recall that what actually happened was that Shinzō Abe nervously put Mario's Cap on his head in a car, and the cap did the rest.)
That's why King Dad is wearing such a dapper hat, and the Broodals all have hats as well.
But... I don't have any hat on. If I encounter Mario, what will I do if he decides to capture ME? My whole life will be over and he'll leave me to die in the desert on some giant pillar! There won't be a KoopaTV, and more importantly, there won't be a me!
Well, I've been trying to invest in head-wear, which you can see in this Miiverse post. My criteria is something that's stylish, protective, and does not ruin my spectacular hair. My ultimate selection is this:
|I chose a hat with its own hat, so I have DOUBLE the protection!|
You know, it used to be that all a Koopa needed to survive in the world was a hardy shell. But people kept stomping on those shells. So some Koopas developed spikes. But then plumbers got hammers. Then some Koopas went to Paratroopa training, and had spiky-shells. I don't really know how one stops that, but Mario has his ways. Among them is now being able to snatch the body of Koopas away.
Now we gotta wear hats and helmets in order to keep up with the adaptation process. I mean, it's not unheard of for me to wear hats, but I'd really rather not.
No one wants to end up like Shinzō Abe. To this day, the guy is making totally ineffective decisions and his administration is rife with scandal. No doubt he has been totally scarred by the experience of being captured by Cappy. Perhaps Cappy is responsible for Shinzō Abe's dropping poll numbers, by literally holding him captive to all kinds of blackmail? He's doing what is bad for Japan, but great for Cappy and Mario.
Maybe that explains Nintendo's rising stock price as of late. Well, we don't want Koopa Kingdom to end up like Japan! No special treatment for ANYONE but ourselves, and we won't be held captive to the demands of terrorists!
If you have ideas on how to defeat the red menace (being Mario) and Cappy, please leave your thoughts in the comments section below! You will be rewarded in the KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program, which has Round 14 ending in less than a week. You may also be a hero to Koopa Kingdom, Japan, and many other places if your advice is really good.
Ludwig has worn Luigi's hat before, but his mind didn't get possessed. He was just made fun of.
Ludwig got a Nintendo Switch and took pictures of himself (and Jigglypuff) with it. He may use the Joy-Con Grip as a hat!
Taking over Japan's Prime Minister is merely one step in Cappy's plan for regional annihilation.
Super Mario Odyssey has now been released.