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Wednesday, June 7, 2017

The Decapitated Mario Press Conference

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - He's bullying us!

I would like to thank everyone for coming here. I'm pretty nervous right now, and when I get nervous, I tend to make jokes. 

“We're here, on behalf of King Bowser Koopa and the Royal Koopa Family (hence the royal “we”), to discuss what you may have seen circulate the news and social media lately:

Mario head decapitated bloody Nintendo King Bowser Koopa no hat cap body Kathy Griffin parody KoopaTV
King Bowser Koopa holding a decapitated Mario head.
(Photo credit to summoner sky)

We would like to explain the origins of this photo shoot with you today.

We're not afraid of Mario. He's a bully. The Royal Koopa Family has been dealing with white guys trying to keep the Koopas down throughout its whole existence, even since King Bowser was a baby. Regarding the image above, we've been in warzones. We understand how horrifying beheadings are. They're done by those nasty people over at ISIS, who have already claimed the lives of Koopa Troopas.

However... we need to stand up and fight. Mario and his family are personally — PERSONALLY — trying to ruin the lives of Koopa Kingdom's royal family and citizens forever! 

You guys know them. The Mario Brothers are never going to stop.

Luigi's Mansion final boss Bowser headless floating head detached from body decapitated
We know them. They're never going to stop.

The death threats that the Koopas get are constant, and they are detailed, and they are serious, and they are specific. We believe so passionately about this, we're afraid there's going to be some nerdy 12-year old little Koopa from somewhere who is going to be reading this and turn into a scared loser. And Mario is going after King Bowser? He picked the wrong red-head!

We're going to make fun of Mario. We shouldn't have to die for that! Everywhere we go, people go up to us, and people say that they're glad that we are saying the things that they are thinking. Many things on the news, or KoopaTV, are not appropriate for children. It's not our role to filter things down for children. It's the parents’ role. We're super real. Comedians get to be edgy.

The Mario Brothers don't have to reach out to us, specifically. They can mobilise their armies of bots or whatever they do to harass us, and King Bowser especially. We're going to be honest...

Headless Bowser amiibo detached decapitated defect
They broke him.

Thousands of people across the kingdom have gone up to us and have said that they're scared. There are a bunch of middle-aged white guys trying to silence us.

Also, let's cut the crap — this is a male thing. The Mario Brothers wouldn't be doing this to us if we were women. (Besides Wendy, of course.) We're going to come out and say it. We live it.

They're picking on us, out of everyone. Mario is the one on all of the box-arts. He's the one who has the games named after him. That's the whole point here. He's not just Mario, pesky plumber, having a celebrity feud. He's using the power of his election victory against us. We've had sponsorship deals pulled away from us. That's what this is about. One is not enough. Two is not enough.

We put about five minutes thought into this. Let's get in trouble. Let's give ‘em something to talk about. And, of course you gotta make fun of Mario. It's so obvious. So, Bowser started thinking about that Mario Cap thing. So King Bowser thought of that, Mario's Cap having its own mind independent of its wearer and what would happen if he was “de-capped”, so it was a photo of Bowser with a decapitated Mario head. The whole thing took minutes. Let's make it really obvious that King Bowser was making an absurdist, artsy, statement-y thing.

So for a few photos, King Bowser held up this decapitated wig head. So he just took those pictures. And it was done in minutes. And there were different interpretations. One person said that it's almost poignant, like you're feeling sad for the kingdom.

There was never any intention to threaten anyone with this photograph. It's just political satire.

That's all. Thank you for listening, and we'll take any questions in the comments section below.”

The Koopas don't want this to distract from the upcoming E3 2017 conferences, and were not seeking attention. Please stay tuned to E3 2017 for more updates on Mario's Cap in Super Mario Odyssey. Additionally, some credit needs to go to some humans named Kathy Griffin and Donald Trump, but KoopaTV is not really sure why.

The Royal Koopa Family has a history with the photographer in question, since they made the photo used in the music video of Ludwig and Kamek as Elite Beat Agents.
KoopaTV has used its pages for a big statement for other important people, such as Ledge Trump, candidate for president of Nintendo.


  1. Okay, point of order: Isn't Bowser/the Koopa Kingdom THE AGGRESSOR in most of those games that have Mario's name and picture on the game box art? Aside from sports and Kart titles, anything else that lacks an actual aggressor, and notable exceptions like Inside Story and Legend of the Seven Stars. And isn't it true that Bowser, on some level or other, ENJOYS picking fights with the Mario Bros. and has, on occasion, gone out of his way to antagonize them/the people they care about (read: Princess Peach) to specifically ensure such confrontations happen?

    Oh, I'm sure this article is as much political satire as the image that is the subject is. What I can't discern is just what it's satirizing...could be a number of things really.

    1. Seriously? That's ALL I get? No engaging with my post at all, no witty retort, NOTHING?

      ...Dang, I must have REALLY got to you. :P :P :P :P :P

    2. Iiiiiiii'm gonna get a Hammer Bros. hammerhead in my bed soon, aren't I. ^^; Euphemistically speaking.

    3. No, we'll just smash the entire bed.

    4. Ah. Well then, it's a good thing that--as I've previously brought up to you--I live in an alternate universe from you where the Mario Bros, the Koopas, and many more besides are nothing more than fictional characters, and thus you can't actually get at me. ;)

      I mean, you can clearly transmit 0s and 1s across the multiverse, but living matter is obviously quite another...matter! Hell, if you actually managed to find a way to get people from your universe to mine and vice-versa, I'D come to YOU and personally apologize for my allegations!

    5. I'm sick of these alternate universes. I already gotta keep track of the paper one.

      Fine, I wasn't actually gonna go smash your bed. I have more important things to do.



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