Disclaimer: This article is totally out-of-character in terms of KoopaTV's scope and myself. KoopaTV isn't supposed to be my personal blog, but... here we are. I need to say SOMETHING about this, and this is my Internet rant outlet. Still, there's plenty of gaming tangential references mixed in here, just for fun.
On Wednesday I went to the local Chabad for Shavuot, the holiday that the Jews celebrate to mark when we received the Ten Commandments. Afterwards, they have this dairy buffet (the dairy food group is the one customarily associated with the holiday of Shavuot) featuring ICE CREAM. But to get to that, you need to sit through the prayer part and the actual Ten Commandments being read. Free ice cream tends to attract a lot of kids (free anything tends to attract a lot of Jews). I got there at 6:05 PM, which was slightly late (6:00 PM starting time) but relatively early in Jewish-time.
However... slowly but surely, Jews kept coming in. Families with their children. It was then that I started noticing something curious. There were these three-sided freaky devices that looked like Telepathos's hands (I know him from Team Kirby Clash Deluxe) in some of the kids’ hands, and they were spinning the protruding parts. ...Well, okay, it's a prop, sure. But... ALL of the kids had one.
It was the first time I had ever encountered a fidget spinner in-person, only having previously read tales about them from the New Super Luigi U trash-posting community on Miiverse over the past several weeks. They suddenly just exploded in popularity.
|Miiverse was the one that let me know that the fidget spinners are in Team Kirby Clash Deluxe.|
|You can't just buy these off a shelf, you know.|
The boxes are kind of nice, I guess. Anyway, so now every kid has a blue fidget spinner and they're spinning it. Rather than being divinely inspired by the holy texts on Shavuot like I wrote about four years ago, I was focused on the fidget spinners. So many kids. So much spinning. Some kids were screwing up the spinning, so the Rabbi's kid who passed out the spinners actually went up to where the families’ kids were sitting and properly taught them how to spin it. How they even know proper spinning technique, and why is it of concern to them, is beyond me.
This snobby kid who is between ages 8 and 11 (they're all about that age) had a red fidget spinner that he must have brought from home. He told the other kids that he thought it was funny that everyone there had a light blue fidget spinner, but he had a red one. In response, a kid said, “Oh yeah? Well I have SIX [fidget spinners]!”
You proud, brat? The hell do you need six fidget spinners for? What are you, a Wiggler? An Unbound Hoopa? I only saw that you have two arms, punk.
|Well, Miiverse trash-posting knows what's going on.|
(Apparently, Vortexica IS alive, but he's been out because the Islamists sabotaged his body with fidget spinners instead of helicopter blades, so that's why hasn't come back yet.)
But it wasn't just the kids. Some of the ADULTS were spinning these things instead of being spiritually immersed. Even the white-bearded wise sage that is the Rabbi's father-in-law was mesmerised... by the fidget spinners. What the heck?
Of course, MY attention was also to these things, but in abject HORROR. I was really, really uncomfortable.
Eventually, the Torah scrolls were done being read, and the scrolls have to return to hanging out wrapped inside their mantle and sash and stuff. So they get the youngest dude in the room to do that for audience participation points, and the kid walks up to the front (there's a podium where the Torah is placed when being read, called the bimah) with fidget spinner in hand. He takes the sash to wrap around the Torah with his hands, STILL HOLDING THE FIDGET SPINNER. Before the fidget spinner was able to come any closer to the sacred scrolls, the Rabbi took the fidget spinner out of the kid's hand and placed it on the bimah. Having been disarmed, the kid wrapped the sash, retrieved his fidget spinner, and returned to the peanut gallery.
Why do you need to hold the fidget spinner at all times, even when you're not spinning it? Like, come on. You have pockets and a chair. PUT THE THING DOWN. What is WRONG with these kids?
|Fidget spinners really DID just come out of nowhere in the past two months, and now they're just everywhere. Egad, a fad!|
So the service is over and we are moved outside to the dairy buffet. Disclaimer: Dairy is my favourite food group. Easily. Anyway, I go right to the ice cream end of the tables, where the kids and their fidget spinners are. Ice cream scoops in one hand, fidget spinners in the other. Maybe Shigeru Miyamoto should've been using a fidget spinner instead of eating a hamburger to promote Super Mario Run? I decided that instead of waiting in line and suffering more, I'd just come home and eat my own personal tub of ice cream, trying to creamily send my anxiety away. (The Rabbi then called me today and wondered why I left early. Notice the small details that he's able to pay attention to since he's not spinning fidgets!)
And that's what I did. It was 7 PM when I came home, so this whole experience lasted only under an hour, more accurately about half an hour. Just one half hour of being surrounded by fidget spinners was enough for me to go insane and reject A DAIRY BUFFET.
It must really suck to be a kid nowadays and have to live with these scummy toys every day. At least Pokémon GO was limited by where you could have a smartphone out (though some people challenged this) — these fidget spinners somehow have no limits at all, being brought right to a holy chamber!
People really need to learn how to sit up straight and pay attention to things.
Ludwig doesn't remember making “Ludwig is Jewish” as article material since before the alt-right came into prominence, so he's somewhat worried how this article will be received on that front. He might also be biting off more than he can chew, because for all he knows, the fidget spinner industry has the loyalty of his reader base.
Ludwig has a history of using his limited interactions with kids at religious services to determine what young people culture is like, and he's never impressed by it.
Ludwig's affection for dairy continues as a far superior alternative to cake.