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Friday, July 14, 2017

The Splatoon 2 Demo Splatfest: CAKE vs. ICE CREAM

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - It may not be a REAL Splatfest (yet), but is it scrumptious?

Something KoopaTV learned very quickly in the past two weeks: The Internet will eat up anything Splatoon. So, the Splatoon 2 Nintendo Direct exploded in views, and KoopaTV's screenshots from that reaction log were seen all over the Internet, even used in meme pictures. (Without credit, of course.)

And so, I've gotten many requests from you folks to resume KoopaTV's thorough Splatoon Splatfest coverage, the last of which was the Callie vs. Marie Splatfest that set the stage for Splatoon's storyline. With what? The end of that Direct mentioned a Cake vs. Ice Cream Splatfest, playable in a special free demo downloadable from the Nintendo eShop TOMORROW. The demo, by the way, is effectively another Splatoon 2 Global Testfire. I told you guys there would be more.

Splatoon 2 Splatfest demo Cake Ice Cream join this team selection board
Team Cake vs. Team Ice Cream will be tomorrow, July 15, from 6 PM Eastern to 10 PM Eastern. Only four hours!

Since I mentioned story, know that the Cake vs. Ice Cream Splatfest, at least for this demo, is NOT canon. The Squid Research Lab states that nothing will carry over to the actual full game of Splatoon 2, and Super Sea Snails won't even be distributed. Therefore, it is not a real Splatfest, and will have no impact on the story.

Still, y'all want my opinion on these things. I'm pretty sure we'll be seeing the Cake vs. Ice Cream debate later on in Splatoon 2's life, but if y'all want it NOW, then I am happy to say I am firmly on Team Ice Cream. Here's why.

Let me remind you of the Burgers vs. Pizza Splatfest. First of all, that was a better theme than this one: Pizza and burgers are... pretty much the same bread-based fast food concept. Cakes and ice cream don't really have anything in common, besides being desserts. However, ice cream is a much more common dessert, while cakes are reserved for... more special occasions. Splatoon 2 presents these as sugary treats, but there are sugar-free or reduced-sugar variants of these treats. (Which are terrible, by the way.)

Anyway, a secret in that article is that I have to eat gluten-free. Therefore, the only cakes I can really eat are ice cream cakes, or really brittle cakes that fall apart due to not having the binding effects of wheat flour. Those can still be delicious, by the way, but they're rare.

Splatoon 2 Splatfest in town Marina ice cream is totally not just frozen milk
If ice cream were just frozen milk, that alone would make it superior to cake.
Reminder that milk is amazing, no matter if it's a solid, liquid, or gas. (Don't try the last one at home.)

Meanwhile, ice cream is plentiful and delectable for any occasion. The fact that they are made from milk makes them part of the dairy food group, which is the best food group of all. Being from milk makes ice cream indirectly spawn from cows, which are top tier animals.

Pokémon Sinnoh anime Champion Cynthia licking ice cream cone
You can't have this kind of appeal with cake, you know.

Champion Cynthia of Sinnoh approves of ice cream, too. She's a top tier champion from a top tier region, and we hope to see her again soon.

You know who is on Team Cake? Princess Peach. She always bakes a cake for that pesky plumber rescuing her. It's horrible. I can't side with that.

Ice cream brings people together.

Ludwig Von Koopa plushie plushwig Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia ice cream spoon hat
Ludwig opening a fresh container of Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia before starting this article.
(He finished the whole thing... before starting this article. He got a bit distracted.)

You see that handsome picture of me above? It features me eating Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia ice cream, which has always been my favourite ice cream flavour. Ice cream can unite far-right monarchists like me, with Vermont socialists like Ben Cohen, Jerry Greenfield, and Bernie Sanders. (Of course, the fact we're all Jews might help.)

Cakes never did anything good for anyone. Ice cream symbolises unity because every part of the ice cream is consistently good, whether it be the cream or anything on it, like cherries or chocolate chips. It's not all the same ingredient all the way through, but the toppings have assimilated themselves well into the cream. It's a model for what makes the United States of America great. Cake, though? Cake is like Europe. You have the bread part, which no one actually likes to eat. (These are akin to the waves of Muslim migration.) Then there is the frosting atop the cake, which is the only reason anyone likes cake. (The frosting is like, you know, Europe's native populations, unless it's France. Then everything tastes gross anyway.)

Paper Mario The Thousand Year Door Rawk Hawk sent you that poisoned cake suckers dialogue boss battle
Rawk Hawk was a decade before his time, using poisoned cake as a metaphor for massive Muslim migration.
(That may explain why he was known as RawkHawk2010 as far back as 2004.)

With cake, one wonders, why not just eat frosting directly? Skip the baked grain. That's cake's fundamental flaw, and ice cream just doesn't have that problem. How can anyone support cake under those circumstances?


Team Cake Ice Cream Splatoon 2 Splatfest Bundt Vanilluxe Super Mario RPG Pokémon Black White
Since the cake and ice cream characters in Splatoon 2 look like literal shit, here are my replacements.
On Team Cake is Bundt from Super Mario RPG.
On Team Ice Cream is one of my favourite Pokémon, Vanilluxe!

One last thing: This has nothing to do with Pearl or Marina. I don't particularly like either of them at the moment.



Ludwig will reference this article again when the REAL Cake vs. Ice Cream Splatfest happens. Surely Nintendo wouldn't create turd-looking cake and ice cream assets for a mere demo, right? Do you agree with Ludwig's Team Ice Cream stance, or do you take Team Cake? Let KoopaTV know in the comments section below! (While this footer is rhyming, check out the KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program for a royalty grand slam!)


Team Ice Cream won! Also, we now know how Splatfests are scored.
It's time for the next Splatfest: Team Mayonnaise vs. Team Ketchup!

10 comments :

  1. And Pearl and Marina are pretty much Callie and Marie clones (you can see the results now as of this comment). With Callie and Marie you can say cousins teasing each other. With Pearl and Marina you can ask why are they still friends?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, they have the same dynamic as the Squid Sisters.

      Pearl and Marina are still friends for THE MONEY.

      Delete
    2. And apparently Inkopolis is a dictatorship if the Splatfest law is for real forcing people to accept the winners as best.

      Delete
    3. We don't know what the enforcement/penalty mechanism is, though.

      But that'd explain why Callie disappeared. (Marie is better BY LAW.)

      This is why Democracy is a shitty-ass system. I'll get to this in more detail when I get to your story mode request. :)

      Delete
    4. So Callie fled to another country as a result to not be in Inkopolis. I mean it literally happened in real life in history (as well as the present) that certain races, sex, lack of disabilities, etc. are better than others and it took centuries to get the laws as altered as they can.

      Delete
    5. I assume that Inkopolis Plaza and Inkopolis Square fall under the same Inkopolis municipal laws.

      Delete
    6. But she is in Octopus territory now and I assume Squid laws do not apply to them.

      Delete
    7. Let's save this discussion for later. ♫

      Delete
  2. New Splatfest is announced and it is Mayonnaise vs Ketchup and it is for both Europe and NA though not sure if they will play together or separately and either combine the scores or not.

    Anyway the reason I posted it here and not in the latest Splatfest related post is because you find the Cake vs Ice Cream art ugly. It looks like Splatfest art will all be ugly from this point on. Remember how nice the Early Bird vs Night Owl art looked? ALso topics are going down the drain. Inklings should have never argued which Squid Sister was better to make them quit Inkopolis news because now we got such bland topics with bland Squid Sister clones.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ...Dammit, what the hell? That theme is terrible. Wot am I supposed to do with that?
      And why is it... so soon?

      Oh, should I mention the Europe-NA conjoined thing in the scoring article? Because I don't actually know how that'll work, so... I won't.

      I blame the people sending them faxes.

      Delete

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