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Wednesday, July 12, 2017

The Wonderful 1237 Strategy Guides: Rand Paul

 By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - If it was up to me, Rand Paul would be the president of the United States right now.

There are some very hot topics today: The Electronic Frontier Foundation is holding an Internet-wide campaign with technology sites to try to keep Net Neutrality. Former president Satoru Iwata died two years ago. Instead of tackling these tough topics, I'll instead write something I've been waiting for for many months: Rand Paul's strategy guide article for The Wonderful 1237! (Though, I will say that Rand Paul is cosponsoring the Restoring Internet Freedom Act that is terrifying the scaremongers in the tech community, and good for him.) Don't know what The Wonderful 1237 is? It's KoopaTV's amazing browser-based Flash game that features the 17 Republican presidential hopefuls from 2015 to 2016... and you! It's a great satirical simulation of the process.

Each Republican presidential hopeful, once they drop out of the race, will allow you to try to win over their endorsements and accumulated delegates with a minigame. More about those minigames in this article. This time, it's Rand Paul's turn, as I've been writing strategy guides on each of these minigames for months now.

Rand Paul is known for being THE leading voice for liberty in the United States Senate. I personally endorsed him when he announced his candidacy. In terms of The Wonderful 1237, Rand Paul has one of the highest end-game statistics, with great growths across the board. He also has the highest sum of base stats (at 8), and is the only candidate with 5 or higher base stats in something. As a result, Rand Paul has the highest average single statistic out of anyone in the game (his 47 in Smart). Rand Paul totally deserves his Smart power, since the guy is correct on almost every issue, and even had his own Rand Direct. It should be no surprise that he's incredibly formidable in The Wonderful 1237!

Candidate Stats

Base stats and growth:
Beauty: 1 + (0–4)
Cool: 1 + (0–4)
Cute: 0 + (0–4)
Smart: 5 + (1–5)
Tough: 1 + (0–3)

Average untouched stats after 14 rounds:
Beauty: 29
Cool: 29
Cute: 28
Smart: 47
Tough: 22

Average likelihood of surviving Iowa if untouched:
Quite likely. (Template McTemplate will have 14 delegates on average; need 11 to clear.)
The Wonderful 1237 Versus VS Rand Paul Endorsement minigame splash fight screen


Basic Information

Chainsaw the Tax Code.
Tear up the tax code, but don't touch the Constitution!
Approximate Time to Play:
The gameplay lasts ten seconds.
Move the mouse.


Detailed Description:
The tax code (represented by a giant pile of paper) will start popping up at random places on the screen. Your cursor controls a constantly-revving chainsaw. Move your chainsaw over the tax codes to tear them apart. However, the United States Constitution may also appear. Do not chainsaw the Constitution, which will disappear by itself after 3 seconds after appearing. After 10 seconds, the game ends.
For every tax code that is torn up, you will get 5 points added to your score. For every Constitution torn up, you will lose 25 points. You cannot go above 100 or below 0 points.
Optimal Tactics:
If you just randomly waved your mouse around and hit every object that appeared, on average, your score would be 0. Instead, be patient. There are plenty of tax codes you can tear up, and a lot of room for error.

I guess if you stick around the sides (so your chainsaw's hitbox is partially off-screen) and didn't go to the centre, there is a reduced risk of the Constitution spawning right where your cursor happens to be. It's already a small risk to begin with, though. It's a fairly easy minigame.
Rand Paul chainsaw IRS tax code Constitution We The People The Wonderful 1237 minigame
You can avoid those Constitutions, and move around them.
They're big (unlike the real Constitution), but they'll go away if left undisturbed.
The location for every spawned item is random, and a new object is created every .2 seconds. There is an 83.33% chance that a given object will be a tax code, and a 16.67% chance that a given object will be a Constitution.

Other Trivia

Skill(s) Tested:
Tactical awareness.

After Donald Trump announced his candidacy, Rand Paul needed to do something crazy to get attention back to his campaign. Therefore, he made a Choose-Your-Own-Ending video titled “How Would You Kill the Tax Code?” One of the options was chainsawing it. While the imagery was pretty cool, Rand Paul failed to get the attention he desired, since Donald Trump was just so much better at getting media headlines. He even tried shooting the tax code later on, but nothing would work, and Rand Paul eventually had to drop out of the race after Iowa's college students betrayed him and voted for Bernie Sanders instead.
The Constitution was used in the minigame as something that you wouldn't want to hit with the chainsaw, since the Constitution is central to Rand Paul's beliefs. Without something you wouldn't want to hit, the game would have absolutely no difficulty at all and thus, no tactical awareness. The tactical awareness comes in so you'd need to be measured and make quick decisions about what's going on around you (what has spawned on the screen, and where your cursor is relative to that).

Play The Minigame Here!

If you have any questions about Rand Paul or his role in The Wonderful 1237, this article is a good place for that. Stay tuned for more coverage of the game, and play the entire game, including its simulation aspects, here!

The strategy guide before this was for Rick Perry.
Next, it's a guitar player seeking to make his guitar better. (Rather than tearing things apart.)


  1. How many more of these are there? There've been quite a few so far. Also, it appears that you have a blatant spambot, congratulations!

    1. 6 more strategy guides, and then the voice-acting/sound-effects video which is...substantial.

      All of those last 6 are pretty fun.

  2. I hope that Rand Paul runs again in 2020. He was one of the sanest candidates running last year.

    1. He better, for the sake of 2020 eye doctor puns. The bumper stickers write themselves.
      (Unlike the Democrats' desperate search for bumper sticker slogans.)


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