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Friday, June 2, 2017

Fidget Spinners Are An Epidemic

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - I'm completely culture-shocked.

Disclaimer: This article is totally out-of-character in terms of KoopaTV's scope and myself. KoopaTV isn't supposed to be my personal blog, but... here we are. I need to say SOMETHING about this, and this is my Internet rant outlet. Still, there's plenty of gaming tangential references mixed in here, just for fun.

On Wednesday I went to the local Chabad for Shavuot, the holiday that the Jews celebrate to mark when we received the Ten Commandments. Afterwards, they have this dairy buffet (the dairy food group is the one customarily associated with the holiday of Shavuot) featuring ICE CREAM. But to get to that, you need to sit through the prayer part and the actual Ten Commandments being read. Free ice cream tends to attract a lot of kids (free anything tends to attract a lot of Jews). I got there at 6:05 PM, which was slightly late (6:00 PM starting time) but relatively early in Jewish-time.

However... slowly but surely, Jews kept coming in. Families with their children. It was then that I started noticing something curious. There were these three-sided freaky devices that looked like Telepathos's hands (I know him from Team Kirby Clash Deluxe) in some of the kids’ hands, and they were spinning the protruding parts. ...Well, okay, it's a prop, sure. But... ALL of the kids had one.

It was the first time I had ever encountered a fidget spinner in-person, only having previously read tales about them from the New Super Luigi U trash-posting community on Miiverse over the past several weeks. They suddenly just exploded in popularity. 



It turns out that one of the Rabbi's kids were passing out the light-blue fidget spinners you can see here, with the centre proclaiming, “Proud 2 be a Jew”. Listen, there's nothing Jewish or pride-worthy about using “2” instead of “to”. It's obnoxious. Just like the fidget spinners themselves.

Proud 2 be a Jew fidget hand spinner box light blue Shavuot holiday shluhim
You can't just buy these off a shelf, you know.

The boxes are kind of nice, I guess. Anyway, so now every kid has a blue fidget spinner and they're spinning it. Rather than being divinely inspired by the holy texts on Shavuot like I wrote about four years ago, I was focused on the fidget spinners. So many kids. So much spinning. Some kids were screwing up the spinning, so the Rabbi's kid who passed out the spinners actually went up to where the families’ kids were sitting and properly taught them how to spin it. How they even know proper spinning technique, and why is it of concern to them, is beyond me.

This snobby kid who is between ages 8 and 11 (they're all about that age) had a red fidget spinner that he must have brought from home. He told the other kids that he thought it was funny that everyone there had a light blue fidget spinner, but he had a red one. In response, a kid said, “Oh yeah? Well I have SIX [fidget spinners]!”

You proud, brat? The hell do you need six fidget spinners for? What are you, a Wiggler? An Unbound Hoopa? I only saw that you have two arms, punk.


(Apparently, Vortexica IS alive, but he's been out because the Islamists sabotaged his body with fidget spinners instead of helicopter blades, so that's why hasn't come back yet.)

But it wasn't just the kids. Some of the ADULTS were spinning these things instead of being spiritually immersed. Even the white-bearded wise sage that is the Rabbi's father-in-law was mesmerised... by the fidget spinners. What the heck?

Of course, MY attention was also to these things, but in abject HORROR. I was really, really uncomfortable.

Eventually, the Torah scrolls were done being read, and the scrolls have to return to hanging out wrapped inside their mantle and sash and stuff. So they get the youngest dude in the room to do that for audience participation points, and the kid walks up to the front (there's a podium where the Torah is placed when being read, called the bimah) with fidget spinner in hand. He takes the sash to wrap around the Torah with his hands, STILL HOLDING THE FIDGET SPINNER. Before the fidget spinner was able to come any closer to the sacred scrolls, the Rabbi took the fidget spinner out of the kid's hand and placed it on the bimah. Having been disarmed, the kid wrapped the sash, retrieved his fidget spinner, and returned to the peanut gallery.

Why do you need to hold the fidget spinner at all times, even when you're not spinning it? Like, come on. You have pockets and a chair. PUT THE THING DOWN. What is WRONG with these kids?

Hand Fidget Spinner Google Trends search popularity fad origins
Fidget spinners really DID just come out of nowhere in the past two months, and now they're just everywhere. Egad, a fad!

So the service is over and we are moved outside to the dairy buffet. Disclaimer: Dairy is my favourite food group. Easily. Anyway, I go right to the ice cream end of the tables, where the kids and their fidget spinners are. Ice cream scoops in one hand, fidget spinners in the other. Maybe Shigeru Miyamoto should've been using a fidget spinner instead of eating a hamburger to promote Super Mario Run? I decided that instead of waiting in line and suffering more, I'd just come home and eat my own personal tub of ice cream, trying to creamily send my anxiety away. (The Rabbi then called me today and wondered why I left early. Notice the small details that he's able to pay attention to since he's not spinning fidgets!)

And that's what I did. It was 7 PM when I came home, so this whole experience lasted only under an hour, more accurately about half an hour. Just one half hour of being surrounded by fidget spinners was enough for me to go insane and reject A DAIRY BUFFET.

It must really suck to be a kid nowadays and have to live with these scummy toys every day. At least Pokémon GO was limited by where you could have a smartphone out (though some people challenged this) — these fidget spinners somehow have no limits at all, being brought right to a holy chamber!

People really need to learn how to sit up straight and pay attention to things.


Ludwig doesn't remember making “Ludwig is Jewish” as article material since before the alt-right came into prominence, so he's somewhat worried how this article will be received on that front. He might also be biting off more than he can chew, because for all he knows, the fidget spinner industry has the loyalty of his reader base.


Ludwig has a history of using his limited interactions with kids at religious services to determine what young people culture is like, and he's never impressed by it.
Ludwig's affection for dairy continues as a far superior alternative to cake.

20 comments :

  1. The most significant time I have seen someone use fidget spinners in public is school, sometime within March and April.

    A school friend of mine (whom also happens to be Jewish) decided he wanted to capitalize on the fidget spinner trend, and as a result, he bought spinners in bulk from a Chinese seller, and sold them for $5!

    We actually talked, and he admitted how the whole fidget spinner fad was stupid. At least there's profit out of the demand, though!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, making a profit off of suckers is something I do approve of.

      It's a perfect example of how capitalists make lots of money and don't deal with any of the grave societal consequences of their actions! Ain't it wonderful?

      Delete
  2. Seems to me the spinners are a textbook example of a NON internet meme. I guess they're the "pogs" of the 2010s, or something? I can't claim to understand how the heck something like this takes off.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

      POGS were in the 1990s! I would know! I was there!

      No truth point for you.

      I don't know if you could call this a meme, since it IS a product with an actual function. (It's... not much of a function, but at least there's some minimal amount of value attached. Unlike memes.)

      Delete
    2. I'm not sure why you're being so vehement about POGS being from the 1990s. I wasn't saying they were from the 2010s, I was saying Fidget Spinners are the 2010s EQUIVALENT of the POGS fad.

      And internet memes have value in the form of amusement.

      Delete
    3. I'm vehement because I don't know how to read!

      DO YOU KNOW HOW ANGRY THAT GETS ME?


      ...anyway.

      ...Well, they have value in terms of imparting some kind of service to the user. Internet memes exist for themselves.
      ...What I'm trying to say is that memes are purely a cultural artifact, while fidget spinners have some actual usage besides being an element of culture.

      ...but wot do I know I dunno how to read. >_>

      Delete
    4. Fidget spinners have usage? I thought they were just a silly toy.

      Delete
    5. Well, as mentioned somewhere on this page, they were originally invented for medical usage for people with certain disorders.

      Delete
  3. I don't process dairy very well. I can't process the value of fidget spinners either. A handheld spinning device that doesn't do anything other than spin... the marketing for it must have been done by a genius.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The marketing was as a stress reliever and something to help kids with problems like autism and ADHD focus.

      I don't know about the stress relief for them, but it increased MY stress being surrounded by them. And the kids are focusing, but not on anything useful.

      Delete
  4. The Chabad synagogue I went to also gave fidget spinners for coming but they were smarter about it and were only going to distribute them after the holiday was over.

    Also pray for me, for my child will eventually grow up and get into the latest fad/meme of whatever stupidity it will be and I do not want to be the parent that bans everything.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That... sounds smarter, rather than as an entry prize.

      BE THAT PARENT. YOU MUST.

      Delete
    2. For every Teen Titans Go (let's face it, it's going to survive when my child can form permanent memories) and its kind that will be banned, I have to give some leeway.

      So what should be the criteria of what should be banned or not?

      Delete
    3. I haven't seen a single person compliment Teen Titans Go. Ever. 100% universal negativity. I don't know how it's still on the air when literally no one likes it.
      So I assume for things that are universally reviled you don't have to make a point to ban it. It'll just naturally be avoided, so you can save the bans for stuff like fidget spinners.

      The criteria? I dunno, I'm not a parent. <_<
      If it will lead your child to an affinity towards cringey elements of society, ban it.
      If you search it plus "community" (or wotever) on Google and you get results you don't want your kid looking at, ban it. For example, searching "Undertale community" are all results talking about how bad it is.

      When your kid learns how to use the Internet for one of its prominent purposes, that is, finding people with like-minded interests, if those like-minded interests will lead them to an undesirable path, ban it.

      I dunno what that leaves, though.

      Flashlights are pretty good.

      Delete
    4. So when will it be safe to show my child media with anthropomorphic animals without risk that she will be a furry?

      Delete
    5. Well...
      Without any risk at all? I dunno.

      But there are millions and millions of kids who see media with anthropomorphic animals that DON'T become furries.

      I dunno when people start becoming furries or wot leads them to becoming furries.
      You're the one with a background in this stuff. You tell me.

      Delete
    6. There's a forum for... the flashlight community? Flashlight collectors and flashlight enthusiasts? That exists?

      The internet never ceases to amaze.

      Delete
    7. We've been referencing CandlePowerForums (CPF) in live reaction logs whenever flashlights are mentioned, including The Last of Us being "A CPFer's wet dream" and a picture with flashlights from Gears of War 4 during Microsoft's E3 2015.

      They also made it into a written article as judging Joe Darke's flashlights.

      CandlePowerForums are one of KoopaTV's staff's inside jokes/memes. They go all-out in their enthusiasm, including flashlight fan-fiction.

      Their biggest dream is to be in a sitation where the power totally goes out or there's otherwise no light source (trapped in a cave somewhere?) and they save the day with their flashlight.

      Delete
  5. If you thought the Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle was the worst thing to ever happen, then you obviously have never laid your eyes upon this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDwOlA3le8E

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wot makes you think I wanna click that...

      ...Honestly, the Rabbids are worse.

      Delete

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