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Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Businessman Joe Darke Connected With Mass Murder!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Only suspected, though. He hasn't been tried in a court of law.

(LOS ANGELES, California) Locally-born and nationally-known businessman Joe Darke (42) of Darke Flashlights Limited is a person of interest in the murder of four people and the vehicular homicide of a fifth in the local city park. The Los Angeles Police Department confirm that Edward Jones (the victim of vehicular homicide), Jason Knight (a witness to the car incident), Edith Kirby (an elderly lady who witnessed the murder of Mr. Knight), Rachel Moss (a passerby jogger), and Jeb Bates (a child) have all lost their lives yesterday this September 2014, allegedly in a brutal and animalistic fashion.

File footage of a younger Joe Darke about to cut a cake for his wife's birthday.

The Los Angeles Detective division has issued a warning to be on the lookout for Mr. Darke. Chief Detective Damon Gant has stated that Joe Darke has a vast swath of resources as owner of Darke Flashlights Limited. We would like to reiterate that Joe Darke is only a person of interest, and is not yet declared a suspect. The Detective division is investigating the crime scene and has closed it off to the public.

Local Californians have told KoopaTV that Joe Darke is a reserved guy in matters other than his business, where he attends flashlight trade shows around the globe and disseminates information about the latest in flashlight technology. The flashlight gurus at CandlePowerForums frequently discuss the quality of Darke-branded flashlights, deeming them unsatisfactory. Still, for the average Joe (Joe Darke himself is an above-average Joe) his flashlights have sold enough and have attained mass-market status that Joe Darke can afford his own private jet, Executive Detective Lana Skye tells KoopaTV.

Joe Darke could be anywhere in the country now, and he is considered armed (with a knife, like he's from China or something) and allegedly dangerous. If you see him, don't hesitate to call the Los Angeles police department. If Joe Darke is reading this, please turn yourself in.

KoopaTV will keep you updated on the latest developments.


KoopaTV isn't meant to cover the news, but KoopaTV also has wanted to get a CandlePowerForums reference in at some point for years. KoopaTV does its part for justice and peace. If you've seen Joe Darke, alert Los Angeles! Not the KoopaTV comments section!


Joe Darke has finally been arrested in February 2015. ...However, he STRIKES AGAIN.
There is more going on over in the Los Angeles judicial system... one of its prosecutors is on trial!
Joe Darke's saga ends for real, two years later. 

19 comments :

  1. Replies
    1. *coughs*
      Trying to tell the future, are we?

      ...Well, as far as I know, JOE DARKE IS STILL OUT THERE.

      Delete
    2. Not at all! Just... uh... accidentally wrote that.

      Delete
    3. Also, does he actually have a wife?

      Delete
    4. ...That's what the file picture said!

      Delete
    5. I know that. But is the file picture telling the truth?

      Delete
    6. ...Well, I haven't contacted his wife or anything or know who she is.

      ...KoopaTV has been busy investigative-reportin' other stuff.

      Delete
    7. 'Local Californians have told KoopaTV that Joe Darke is a reserved guy in matters other than his business, where he attends flashlight trade shows around the globe and disseminates information about the latest in flashlight technology.' If you were told this information, you would have been either investigating this matter or you would have let people tell you this. But you just said '...KoopaTV has been busy investigative-reportin' other stuff' so how could they tell KoopaTV this if KoopaTV is 'busy investigative-reportin' other stuff'?

      Delete
    8. We were interested in running with the story back in September, but since then we have been busy with other matters.

      When a new development happens with Joe Darke, we'll carry it. But KoopaTV was just doin' our civic duty and helpin' the LAPD (and police departments, especially with the recent events goin' on in America, need all the help and cooperation they can get) catch Joe Darke.

      Obviously it hasn't worked so far, but we're a videogame commentary blog, not a crime-watch site!

      Delete
    9. Why were you guys interested in running with the story? You are a video game commentary blog, not a crime-watch site. Also, how do you know he has a wife if you haven't contacted his wife or anything or know who she is.

      Delete
    10. ...So we could make a CandlePowerForums reference on the site, as the footer indicates.

      I know because it was attached to the file photo.

      Delete
    11. Wow. Anyway, this article also says 'KoopaTV will keep you updated on the latest developments'. How is KoopaTV to do that?

      Delete
    12. Trade secret.


      (...Asking Chief Gant to send us information when new things happen.)

      Delete
    13. Then I predict another article about Joe Darke before the end of February.

      Delete

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