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Tuesday, September 2, 2014

The "New" 3DS Is Old News

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Spanning years of distrust. Glad you're aware of it now.

So we all know what happened in the Nintendo Direct last Friday, right? You know, the one KoopaTV live-blogged? Good, because some folks on Miiverse were confused since all this happened in Japanese.

Along with Shulk (who got announced out-of-the-blue if you didn't know about the Japanese Direct) the Direct was about the "New 3DS."

No, not the one that came out in 2011. That's the "Old 3DS" now. We got the "New 3DS." That is what it's called. Literally. Hence quote marks. I think it is very important to know exactly what is announced so I'm going to spend a bit of time going over that so I can critique it after we're all on the same page.

The New 3DS XL on the left, and the New 3DS on... the other side. Courtesy of GameSpot.
To review, we will soon have:
  • 3DS
  • 3DS XL
  • 2DS
  • New 3DS
  • New 3DS XL
By the way, if they call it the "LL" that's just what they call the "XL" in Japan. I had at least one friend confused about that.

So only the New 3DS has the changeable face-plates. The New 3DS XL is just big. It comes out October 11 2014 in Japan, with no announcement for North America.
Here's your logo.
  1. New 3D effect that has the 3D effect track your eyes/change orientation based on the tilt of the system.
  2. New C-Stick. It looks more like that really uncomfortable red SYNC button on your Wiimote/Wii to me but I'm assuming this is like a tiny Circle Pad.
  3. Integrated NFC technology so you can have Mario's fat Amiibo ass crush your screen under his weight.
  4. Note the "amiibo" has the same font as the "new" in the "New 3DS" logo.

  5. Improved Internet browser, featuring the ability to watch things and improved child-protection.
  6. Fancy HOME menu themes for purchase. (These are also going to be available for your old 3DS.
  7. Faster CPU.
Nintendo does not have the face-plates, ZL/ZR, or "exclusive" games like Xenoblade Chronicles listed in the features page. Or maybe they do and I don't know Japanese. Either way, they are still on the Japanese site for the new announcement, just not under "features". Makes you wonder about their priorities.

As we may have noted in our live reactions, the face-plate thing is extremely reminiscent of the laughed-at Game Boy Micro. That was one of the big selling points of the Micro back in 2005. It didn't sell, although KoopaTV staff member Kamek apparently acquired one.

I would now like to tell KoopaTV a story that everyone in our [Koopa Keep] AIM Blast has known for some time, along with several other people. It involves Shigeru Miyamoto and how I got my Midnight Purple 3DS. I think it expresses how some people feel about this "New 3DS". Sit tight.

The Nintendo 3DS came out in America in March 2011, and was price-cut significantly in July 2011. The portable console suffered from a lack of compelling software. It didn't help that the hardware itself was kind of... not very well-made. It literally had (and still does have) a design flaw where when you close it, the imprint of the lower screen perimeter scratched the upper screen. The battery life was crap, which was a completely new concept for Nintendo. Nintendo portables have always had very long battery lives, which was a selling point against the Game Boy's early competitors. Yes, the 3DS has the battery life of the Atari Lynx.

I did not get a 3DS at launch. I knew from prior experience that if I just waited a while, a hardware revision would come and the 3DS's problems would be fixed. After all, I waited until the DS Lite came out with the Father's Day Brain Age-DS Lite bundle to first enter that market. I did not have a Nintendo DS before that, so that was about a year and a half wait between DS and DS Lite.

Skip to May 20, 2012. The 3DS just launched its really sexy Midnight Purple colour. But still, I hesitated. Kid Icarus: Uprising had come out already and the 3DS had games worth buying. And every day I stalled I was missing out on Swapnote action. I wanted to wait until E3 2012 because Nintendo might've announced something then.

No new hardware revision and purple just came out? This is as good as the 3DS is going to get, so why wait any longer?

It was E3 2012. No new hardware revision was announced. Shigeru Miyamoto was interviewed at around June 12, 2012 and asked if there would be a hardware revision to the 3DS. He said no. He said they were happy with the current 3DS design and any new iteration would be the next hardware generation, which would not come for a few more years.

It was upon reading what Miyamoto said that drove me to buy my Nintendo 3DS, and I bought the Midnight Purple one on June 18, 2012. It was a present.

Literally within three days the Nintendo 3DS XL was announced boasting a bigger screen and longer battery life. This would be within little more than a week of Miyamoto's statement that they were not planning on any hardware revisions with the Nintendo 3DS.

I was livid. Of course, my friends thought the situation was hysterical, and Miyamoto completely played me for a total idiot. This is why we can never be harsh enough on Shigeru Miyamoto. He is a wicked, wicked man and I hate him. I cannot do enough things with the font here while still keeping it readable to express that complete loathing of him. It was only a few months after that Paper Mario: Sticker Star was released. I thought a Paper Mario game on a handheld was weird since Paper Mario is for home consoles and Mario & Luigi was for handhelds. And we all know what happened with that. I would like to note that this "New 3DS" is yet ANOTHER example of Miyamoto's "no new hardware revision" promise being broken. He is a disgusting liar.

In a way, I am sort of happy that with the "New 3DS", everyone who just bought a Nintendo 3DS of any model and all the people who are going to buy one for Super Smash Bros. For 3DS and for Christmas and whatever are all going to get screwed. You will all KNOW HOW I HAVE SUFFERED FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS. And no, you cannot trade-in your old 3DS for the "New 3DS" unless you do not want to transfer your data from one console to another.

Let's see what gamers think:

I voted Option "Meh" which won. See? My views are in line with the mainstream!

Yes, the name is absolutely dreadful. You can come up with your own skit on people trying to buy the "New 3DS". The poll wording also raises a good point on how this is targeting hardcore fans. Casual game players really won't care about the new features for a higher price.

A year ago, I wrote a piece on KoopaTV titled, "How Many Times Can You Call it New?" This was before Yoshi's New Island and obviously before the "New 3DS". In that article I complained about Nintendo's naming schemes, particularly with the New Super Mario Bros. sub-series. It appears that Nintendo did not take my complaining to heart, since we still have "New" stuffed down our throats. Here's what we've learned over the past decade: When Nintendo spams the word "new", you should not anticipate anything remotely resembling the actual usage of the word. You should be very skeptical of it. You should err on the side of "Well, they keep calling it new, but how different is it than before and is it worth spending money on this supposedly 'new' experience?"

One more thing to keep in mind: The "New 3DS" will not replace the old models. It will most likely be like the DSi and get some exclusive games for it that really aren't all that important to play in the long-run. Remember, getting Xenoblade Chronicles on your Wii is still cheaper than buying a "New 3DS" and then getting it there. Most 3DS owners are not hardcore Nintendo fanboys (for a figure of how many of those there are, see the size of the Wii U base) so it really is just a way to drain more money from them. Up to you on whether or not you consider it a worthwhile investment.

With my old, small, and scratched up bottom screen (thanks, Kid Icarus: Uprising) that has terrible calibration, maybe it would be worth it for me to upgrade! Or just wait for the "New New 3DS" that might come...

Ludwig still likes his 3DS even if he trashed it in this article. He clings to the idea that Midnight Purple is the best colour available across any DS product and that justifies his purchase. Check out his Friend Code and other information in the Contact Us tab at the top of the site!

Wondering just how wicked of a man Miyamoto is? Wicked enough to lie about Ludwig's family.
Ludwig actually buys a New 3DS XL.
There's a new member to the family: The New Nintendo 2DS XL!
Ludwig's theory is that the 3DS line is intentionally poorly-designed so people keep buying the latest hardware revision.


  1. Someone posted a question on reddit about what it would take to make you buy a New 3DS. (By the way, apparently the name isn't as confusing in Japan since "New" remains in English.)
    I said if AAI2 was localized exclusively for the New 3DS, that would do it. This is how my mind works.
    I played Xenoblade on the Wii. I don't need another copy. But in general, must-have exclusives would convince me.

    On a separate note relevant only because of the 3DS, I'm annoyed Capcom is apparently skipping Nintendo with Revelations 2. Revelations, originally for the 3DS (and better-received there than its console ports were), which did decently on the Wii U, is getting a sequel that won't appear on either of those systems. -_-

    1. You've actually played Xenoblade?

      ...We may or may not have a lot of questions that have come through daily conversation since Friday.
      Wanna answer them?

      ...(Capcom better not make it New 3DS only that's stupid.)

      Hey does that skipping bit make your guest article irrelevant? Haha.

  2. S-So many.... buttons...
    No kid would ever understand this as easily as... the DS Lite, for example. It's simple.

    1. Buttons aren't a problem.

      Kids play PS3 and stuff and that literally has R3 and L3.

    2. True... (I actually owned a PS3. Then it broke! )
      But I'm still going to keep my argument with the DS Lite.

    3. Well, DS Lite was amazing.

      ...(And then my hinge cracked so now it's an alarm clock. Because the only way to get the alarm clock on 3DS is to buy the DSi alarm clock on the eShop. NOPE.)

    4. I broke mine, so now the only way it stays on is if you keep the top screen out as a straight angle.

      That's when I bought a DSi, about 4-5ish years ago. I still have it!
      Not too long after that, my brother got a DSi XL with the special 25th Anniversary Mario thing. Broke it's hinge about a year ago.
      But now I have a plain old 3DS.
      It's great.
      And oh my, you don't want to hear the story of our Consoles.

    5. But you just told the story of your Handhelds.

      ...It only makes sense to go all the way.

    6. ...Okay then.
      I'll make it short.
      PS2->Wii->PS3->PS3 breaks->Wii breaks, get new Wii.
      Now I'm asking myself why we got a new wii and not a Wii U.

    7. ...Yeah, now you can be like those Wi-Fi Connection complainers who don't seem to know the Wii U exists.

      (PS2 seemed to do remarkably fine for a console with a history of falling apart so Sony could inflate their sales numbers!)

      Confession: My first Wii was faulty.

    8. The only reason we bought a new Wii was because our old one wouldn't read discs. We already had it fixed by Nintendo a year before.... and it broke again.
      But we bought that new fancy model that sits on it's side.
      And it came with Wii Sports and Wii Sports resort.

    9. All Wiis can sit on their side. :o

      The first one we ever got was making weird noises while playing SPM so we returned it and got a new one.

      Which lasted for a bit until it couldn't read disks, so I sent it to Nintendo.
      (That part is video-documented)

    10. I mean the one where it's MEANT to sit on it side, with all it's buttons rotated and whatever.
      Our new wii works fine... Now the only broken things are our discs. See, with Wii you risk scratching up the discs, on DS you risk losing the cartridges or /accidentally getting gum on your cartrige and 3DS cartridge slot.../ (True story. Took me an hour and a half to clean out. Not a good memory. And it was my brother's DS.) Or losing your SD card, rendering some of your games worthless- *cough*PokemonX/Y*cough* (Or most downloaded content.)

      I'm just going to download all my games now. :|

    11. Also I would just correct one grammatical error in that... but... you know what I meant.

    12. ...Yeah, I'm not worried about losing my cartridges.

      I still like physical games over digital games. If only because buying extra storage is expensive.

      Got Layton vs. Wright physical. Getting Smash 4 on both 3DS and Wii U physical.

      Is the one meant on its side the Wii without GameCube support?

      My DS Lite's stylus slot had a q-tip stuck in it. >.>; (The cotton part)
      ...and its stylus tip is gone.

  3. True...
    Plus you can... I dunno, show it to your friends? Lend it?
    I need to get Layton vs. Wright.

    Hmm... I would go check but it's 10PM. I might wake someone up. is that even possible? 0.0

    1. ...I'm not sure how it's possible.

      Lending someone a game without giving them your system is an age-old activity that I personally benefited from.

      I never owned Paper Mario until I got it for the Wii Virtual Console. On my N64 I kept renting it from Blockbuster over and over. :D

      ...yes please get Layton vs. Wright.

    2. I keep renting Skyward Sword from our Library. (ALMOST beaten.) Dunno what I'm gonna play after that, except I might see if they have any Ace Attorney games. If not, I'll send in a request for them to get some.

    3. Libraries get games? I just thought they had books.

      And movies.

      ...And manga.

      Close enough?

    4. Our library has.... almost everything.
      (Even a Minecraft Server! :o) They have a bunch of 3DS games... And Wii... And I think they just got Wii U games. They have a Nintendo club where they go and... game.
      But it's on Wednesday nights and I have Church. And youth. So right now I dunno what they do.

    5. I'm not sure how much I missed out on by not frequenting my library as a kid.
      ...Or now, for that matter.

      Would I have become a different person? To be a "library kid"? Are those actually things? Erm, people?

      Nintendo Club sounds fantastic. ...And smelly, but eh.

      Church on... weeknights? :O

    6. 'Library people'. Yeah, clearly. xD

    7. Doesn't help the librarians are...


      For what? :o

    8. I don't actually talk to our librarians.


      (I also got the fancy AIM working. And the username isn't an email. :o )

    9. Oh. You said Church and youth. Like they were different things.

    10. Gotcha.

      As for librarians, they charged me $2 to replace a library card that was issued for free to begin with.



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