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Monday, December 18, 2017

Marina, Stop Leading Terrible Splatfest Teams

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - We need an intervention for the Octoling Off the Hook member.

North America has gone through six Splatfests in Splatoon 2, though I won't count Cake vs. Ice Cream since it was a four-hour demo open to non-owners of the game.

Seeing as how the next Splatfest, presumably in January, COULD take place when the Nintendo Switch Online turns into an annual paid service (the time window for that is still just “2018” — is that January 1, 2018?), now would be a good turning point for Marina to either get her tentacles together, or to stop leading teams that I agree with.

To understand what I mean, observe the results of this table: 

Pearl's Choice Marina's Choice Ludwig's Choice Winner
Mayonnaise Ketchup Ketchup (Marina) Mayonnaise (Pearl)
Flight Invisibility Flight (Pearl) Flight (Pearl)
Vampire Werewolf Vampire (Pearl) Vampire (Pearl)
Sci-Fi Fantasy Fantasy (Marina) Fantasy (Marina)
Sweater Socks Socks (Marina) Sweater (Pearl)

There's also that one European Films vs. Books Splatfest, and Films was Pearl's choice. Team Films won big-league over there.

Marina just keeps losing, taking after Marie, who lost every single Splatfest from September 2015's Team Art vs. Team Science Splatfest, to January 2016's Team Past vs. Team Future Splatfest. That's a six Splatfest losing streak. Then Marie turned it around and won every Splatfest but one after that, including the final one that ultimately mattered. (I still need to write about the far-reaching ramifications of that outcome.)

Now, I'm not writing this because I particularly like Marie or Marina. I was on Team Callie, and when/if there will be a Pearl vs. Marina Splatfest, as of now, my vote will be for Pearl.

I just want, in those times where Marina and I agree, like the recent Sweaters vs. Socks Splatfest, for Marina to at least try to be competent. Socks lost in every single category. That shouldn't happen, especially when socks are legitimately superior to sweaters.

Right now, what every Splatoon 2 Splatfest in a region that matters has in common is that the winning team won the Solo Division, except for Films vs. Books where Team Books won Solo (because that's what book-readers specialise in) but still lost. My advice to Marina is to understand the quirks of the new Splatfest scoring system compared to Splatoon 1's, and to better organise her troops accordingly. This is embarrassing.

Splatoon 2 Splatfest Europe toilet paper front back roll Marina team gonna roller all over yours
Marina commanded Team Back Roll to use their Splat Rollers backwards, resulting in her losing the Solo Division on top of Popularity.
...She's an imbecile.

Marina has a core group of loyalists that will vote for her no matter what the topic is. I don't know how big this group is, but it's probably the 28% of freaks who voted for Team Back Roll when asked, “which way round should the toilet roll hang?!” They appear to suck. Maybe they'll disappear once you have to pay to access online multiplayer on the Nintendo Switch, and this will be the inflection point Marina needs to at least try to put up a fight. Manage your Quantity vs. Quality!

Alternatively, Marina herself won't put up the money required to participate in Nintendo Switch Online, and she can be replaced by someone who knows what they're doing. Perhaps we can get the Bottom Feeders as the newscast anchors instead. I love me some fiddle.

Ludwig wrote this article for Marina to read, though if other people like it as well, that would be great. Share this article to make sure it gets to Marina's eyes! He wants to reiterate that the purpose isn't to have Marina's teams win all the time — only the times where Ludwig sides with her. Look forward to continuing Splatfest coverage into 2018! Ludwig should've related this to how Marina is only 18, but age is just a number.

Ludwig analysed Splatfest results in the original Splatoon as well, though from a stats nerd point of view.
Marina failed to take the advice of this article and is making even worse arguments by the very next Splatfest.
By the time it's the last Splatfest, Marina has won the majority of them.


  1. Marina did not even win any European Splatfests so far which does not include the demo one. She has a win streak in Japan though.

    I am going Team Pearl at the last Splatfest because it would be amusing to see the extreme Marina waifuists whine and Marina is nothing but obvious waifu bait. Pearl at least had to earn her fans. I don't even know what Marina is supposed to be in the localized version.

    Callie: Usually absentminded and a klutz but has occasional displays of intelligence.
    Marie: Usually the smarter one but has occasional displays of silliness.
    Pearl: Very overconfident in herself and a womanchild (she's 21).
    Marina: Started off as a Marie clone and unlike Marie and then the localization made her a bit more concerned about Pearl. I believe the Japanese version made her a nervous person as you can see in some of Marina's body language. I find it really hard to define Marina in a few traits.

    1. "Right now, what every Splatoon 2 Splatfest in a region that matters has in common is that [...]"
      Yeah, that was intended to mean "Japan doesn't matter so it won't be brought up."

      So your Pearl support would be as anti-Marina, not as pro-Pearl?

      You could say that Marina is a complicated multi-dimensional character. :)

    2. I would be a perfect entry for your TVtropes page with the trope, "Not so above it all."

    3. Hm, should we extend our readers as part of the KoopaTV tropes?

      ...Well, I encourage y'all to edit the page, not myself, so y'all can make it wot you want it to be as long as it ain't vandalised.

    4. Stolen from the Salmonid's Gefiltaka

  2. This is proof that this game is udder garbage.

    1. That's not the game being garbage.

      That's the fanbase of the game having bad taste.

    2. I'd say NO, NO, NO...
      ...But then you'd counter that I used the same logic you're using against other games like Undertale.
      Anyway, there is a very significant minority (46%) of the fanbase who still prefers socks. You can't just discount them!

    3. That 46% are probably the faggots who voted for mayo...

    4. Reminder that only 27% of the population (in the Americas) voted for Mayonnaise, and Mayonnaise was supported by Pearl while the 46% Socks were supposed by Marina, so there's even less crossover there.

    5. a lot of players are still faggots.

    6. Alright, this unproductive conversation is over.

  3. Replies
    1. I haven't seen evidence that Pearl is a particularly strong team leader. As far as I'm concerned, she's winning because Marina is incompetent, not for her own skill.

    2. Pearl is confident, therefore she is more persuasive. Pearl's reasons make me feel confident about being on her side. Pearl is senpai. Pearl is life.

    3. Well Pearl is confident, and she is persuasive with her confidence. Marina is more like "But my team is better because ______(Insert lame reason)______ So yeah.

    4. (Close your dang quotation.)

      I agree that Pearl is a better debater, but is she a better leader?


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