After questions of morality and proof that Splatoon's best players are naughty, our next Splatfest in North America is this weekend! The question? If you could time-travel, would you wanna go back in time to the past, or forwards to the future?
|Callie is on Team Past, and Marie is on Team Future.|
I think the answers and the reasons for why we'd think that way are clear. We like bathing in nostalgia, and we hate “springing forward” into the future with Daylight Savings Time. Daylight Savings Time is a complete disaster, and that's just going into the future by one hour. Imagine the complete cataclysm if we went ahead by hundreds or thousands of years! That's millions of hours! It's Daylight Savings Time on a scale we've never experienced before. We have no idea what the hell will happen in that time.
However, a lot of videogames give us an idea of what'll happen in the future. By comparison, we know exactly what will happen in the past because, y'know, it's happened already. Enough time has passed in the course of existence that, if we can pick and choose which parts of the past we'd like to visit, we can undergo a huge variety of experiences and be seen as royalty for our prophetic knowledge of the future.
Just be warned: We can only go back in one direction, since you can only be on one team. At least if you go to the past but not too far, you'll eventually get to the present era if you miss it. If you go to the future, you can't come back to the present... only deeper into the future. Let's start!
Team Future's Choices
If you're on Team Future, where would you go? Maybe you'll time-warp to the day after election day (which would be Wednesday, November 9) and see whoever becomes president of the United States. But... what's the point? You can't travel back to the past and warn everyone. But at least you'll get an idea of if there will be World War III coming soon or not. (Hint: Hillary Clinton will do that, along with most Republican candidates that aren't named Rand Paul and maybe Ted Cruz, Ben Carson, or Donald Trump. Find out more in Thursday's Republican presidential debates!)
There are a variety of videogames that have their settings in apocalyptic near-futures. These include Tom Clancy's The Division where a pandemic infects everyone on a future Black Friday, and Capture the Confederate Flag where Hillary Clinton destroys the Southern United States. It's also the basis for like... every Fallout game. In none of these is the future a hospitable place.
Is it a certainty that the future will be a crappy war-torn place? No, folks can stop that from happening through their actions in the present. It's just, if you go ahead and travel to the future, then you won't be around to have those present actions happen. You'll be abdicating your duty.
|Chrono Trigger knows what's up here.|
According to Chrono Trigger, the future in 2300 AD is an extremely bleak one. You can just hear how bleak it is. There's no more food left, and people live in these drab futuristic domes, which are glorified huts. Humanity needs to stick to living inside those domes because outside there are mutants and robots that ruin your day and end your life if they get the chance. There is also a lack of hope.
|The Enertron restores your energy, but doesn't fill your tummy.|
While in the past you'll be treated as a prophet, if you choose the future you'll be treated as a delinquent low-information dumbass. Everything you know will be completely outdated and wrong. You think you're smart now? You'll be a know-nothing then. Like you lived in a cave for centuries. There will also probably be some sort of nationally-checked database set up by statists, and you won't be on there since you wouldn't be born (unless they just don't take people off after they die). So you'll be treated like you're an illegal immigrant and deported to some hellhole, unless whoever is running the show at that time doesn't give a crap about illegal entry.
So even if the future ISN'T apocalyptic and is actually pretty cool, no one will ever respect you and you'll be an outcast. Unless the future is the one from Idiocracy, then yeah you'll be the smartest person there but it sure won't be a cool place.
Team Past's Choices
Team Past can do tons of cool stuff. And remember, the best itinerary is to go from the most recent to progressively further back in time. How far you want to ultimately go is up to your risk tolerance and wanting to get back to present time.
I don't really know how time paradoxes will affect your trip, though. Is it possible that we can travel in a parallel universe so we don't cause a time paradox? Or we save in another file first? Well, anyway...
You can relive your nineties kid dreams and just rerun the 1990s over and over again in a loop. Pretty stable and happy time, and since you know it'll end with the stock market crashing you could short-sell the dot-com bubble and make a fortune. Maybe they'd try to investigate you for insider trading afterwards, so take precautions. At least there are still videogames here, and they're fantastic, too. Living standards are great as well!
|Crisisboom made this graph. We're just replicating it here without their permission.|
You can travel back to the late 1800s or early 1900s to try to stop the Federal Reserve and the national income tax from forming. That said, when you time-travel, be sure to bring your United States Dollars! The dollar has lost over 95% of its value since the Federal Reserve was created, so your dollar will be MANY times stronger then than now! Therefore, if you take your life-savings with you, you'll be super-rich in their times and maybe afford a good standard of living? You also wouldn't have to worry about being investigated or background-checked, since the surveillance state hasn't been invented yet!
That'd be cool. Speaking of cool, go visit the Roaring Twenties managed by Calvin Coolidge! (Not chronological order but whatever.) Nice limited government guy, and lots of prosperity for folks. Don't go if you don't like the whole Prohibition on alcohol taking place, though. You're probably not even old enough to drink, and some states completely prohibited drinking prior to Prohibition anyway. Some states even had unequal rights for people, so that might bug you. Honestly, you could just buy yourself rights with your money.
You can go back and talk to your famous historical figures about whatever, if you think you can get access to them. Thomas Jefferson might be really busy, but Oscar Wilde would probably let you in (before or after he gets arrested). I only recommend doing this if you don't care about getting back to the present era, and if you have a desired time to fall back to after you visited everyone since you shouldn't really plan on living in some crappy time period the rest of your life just to talk to one dude.
If you really want, travel back to the glorious days of monarchy, like to 600 AD! The background music is much better there than in the future. Some folks might call it the Dark Ages and the standard of living for a person in poverty today was higher than the kings at the time, but it's probably just underrated.
65,000,000 BC is also an option for you, but be careful: If it turns out the universe really ISN'T that old, you might be stuck at a place where time and space don't exist yet. Or it won't let you travel that far and you'll just get to the beginning of time. Either way...
|I'd recommend saying no.|
Apparently, reptiles and humans co-existed (but were at war) at this time, with reptiles clearly being the smarter species. And hey, I might be biased here, but I say that's still true to this day.
While Callie the Inkling wants to ride a dinosaur, they might not be willing to be ridden. After all, ancient history wasn't so cute and cuddly as she would envision it...
|Callie riding a yellow Yoshi.|
(Picture courtesy of ShinyGirafarig.)
If you want to time-travel back to pre-civilisation, I strongly suggest you reconsider. There will be no one to save you.
|The Yoshis would later end up swallowing Callie whole.|
(Picture courtesy of ShinyGirafarig.)
And you won't be able to get back. So stick to civilised history and don't try to go all the way back to see G-d's presence in the physical world. You'll probably get burned or something, especially since He'll know you're there trying something suspicious.
That ended on a downer note for Team Past, and it's true that there were a lot of generally crappy moments in history. Thanks to the marvels of capitalism and markets, the standard of living for the world has increased at an unprecedented (historically-speaking) rate. Unfortunately, depending on the actions of people at this critical point in the present, we may begin reversing that. In that case, Team Future will have nowhere to go!
But as long as you see Team Past as Team Recent Past, there's no harm in re-living out the awesome days of our youths. Except you'll be at your current age. Hey, you can see what the 1980s and 1990s are like as a kid, an adult, and an elderly person! Get all those cool perspectives. Just promise to save 'em all in different save files, okay?
Ludwig already received a Team Past t-shirt from Inkopolis, with a cool-looking dinosaur that might've been his ancestor. But the dinosaurs might not take kindly to their shelled descendants, so Ludwig is in no rush to visit 'em.
According to a report from a squid with Ludwig's hair, the future will be ruined by the Environmental Protection Agency and water will be hazardous.
The fate of the future is at stake with a Hillary vs. Trump election.