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Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Ted Cruz's Candy Crush Craziness Disqualifies Candidacy

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - He's a Canadian copycat, too.

Freshman Texas senator and second-place Republican presidential contender (if the polls are to be believed) Ted Cruz has a big problem in his life.

He's addicted to his iPhone, and he's addicted to Candy Crush Saga. It drives his wife nuts, as it should. Listen to this 2014 interview:

The interviewer in that above video says, “You are a videogamer.” And Ted Cruz responds, “Indeed.”

The interviewer follow-ups, testing Ted Cruz's honesty: “What videogames do you like?”

Ted Cruz replies, 

“Um, well on my iPhone I think I'm on level... 217 on Candy Crush. Um... And if there were one thing my wife could throw out the window permanently it would be my iPhone. I would confess to, to... hav-having an excessive addiction to that infernal contraption.”
The interviewer openly wondered if Ted Cruz played Flappy Bird, but we'll never know.

While I'm not supposed to be in the business of saying that some games don't count as games and deciding who is and who ain't a “real” gamer (especially as someone—a Nintendo fan—that other people say ain't a real gamer), I will say there is something pretty poor about answering Candy Crush Saga when asked what videogames you like. And having that be the only answer you provide sort of implies it's your favourite game.

Even weirder is after mentioning Candy Crush Saga, all Ted Cruz does is bash the iPhone (which is a behaviour I'll always approve of) and talk about how detrimental this gaming has been to his life. But gamers are supposed to be proud of their choice of hobby, though I'd also be ashamed if it was expressed via mobile garbage, I guess.

A year after that video, Ted Cruz had an interview with The Daily Beast that talks much more about his gaming. Along with Candy Crush Saga, he plays Plants vs. Zombies and The Creeps! and other games with his daughters, giving them terrible gaming values when he's not spanking them. He wishes he had an Xbox but would fail at time management if he did have one. (We assume he endorsed the Microsoft Xbox because he's trying to pander to Americans as much as he can to make people forget he's really a Canadian. That, and perhaps it's because the PlayStation 4 is committed to the same micro-transaction garbage as the iPhone.)

Ted Cruz Candy Crush Saga logo title
What happened in Ted Cruz's life to make him a slave to Candy Crush Saga?

Back in the day, a young Ted Cruz was apparently a mainstay at the arcade, and in college he and his dormmate had a Nintendo system. Ted Cruz was much better at games than the roommate, playing “Super Mario Bros. and Japanese fighting games.” (He could've easily described Super Mario Bros. as “Japanese platforming games”...) I don't know what Japanese fighting games those would be, so maybe he really had a SNES and was playing Street Fighter II or something and was playing Super Mario Bros. via Super Mario All-Stars.

That would actually make a lot of sense, since the roommate was David Panton, described as Cruz's roommate in Princeton and then Harvard. According to Wikipedia, David Panton and Ted Cruz would be together from before 1992 to 1995. That was the SNES's hey-dey!

Ted Cruz was apparently a hardcore competitive gamer in college and was still one of the top law students in the country. That should inspire everyone that gamers can game and go on to do great things at the same time. Now he's a gamer that's made it to the Senate and is so close to becoming Prime Minister of Canada President of the United States!

So what the hell ended up happening to Ted Cruz that he went from a hardcore SNES type of guy to spending his salary as a United States senator on mobile garbage micro-transactions? Is this just a Ted Cruz thing, or is this the trend for gaming as a whole? Why not just dump the iPhone and buy that Xbox? I don't think Ted Cruz is proud of what has happened with his gaming history, but he's now a helpless victim without self-control. That's probably not someone who should be president.

Since Ted Cruz supports Candy Crush Saga, does he support King's trademark of the word “Candy”? What would fellow presidential candidate Ben Carson think of that, since his wife is named Candy Carson? Is Ted Cruz supportive of Activision now owning Candy Crush Saga? These are important questions, but Ted Cruz is too busy taking Rand Paul's policy positions to answer 'em. And he's holding his iPhone in front of our figurative faces, not even listening to a word we're asking. Maybe he'll bump into the wall or incoming traffic while walking down the street.


KoopaTV can't, in good conscience, endorse Ted Cruz with these serious gaming questions up in the air. Stay tuned for KoopaTV's coverage of Republican Debate Night 7 this Thursday, before the Iowa caucus voting on Monday!

Ted Cruz is a highly experienced lawyer and argued under the Texas Attorney General. Perhaps he'll join the trend of suing videogame companies for addicting games?


  1. This was kings plan all along! They want to mind control important peoole to obey their wills! ...m or just to get tons of money from the mini transactions

    1. And Activision is all the more happy to inherit that operation.

  2. I can't ever disassociate King's Candy Crush and trying to trademark the word Candy with King Candy. Was Disney trying to warn us back then?

    1. I just wanted to say that thanks to users like Award over at Squidboards, I finally understand why mobile games are horrible for video games as a whole.

    2. I only skim Award's posts at this point. They're... really long, and probably for the sake of being long. I feel like you can communicate your point in a more efficient way.

      But yeah, mobile games basically degenerate value and it's pretty much a race to $0, creating this mindset in the culture that videogames aren't inherently worth anything because you're getting every game for free.

      But folks need to make money somehow. If you are looking at it from the traditional $ amount being correlated to value perspective, then the game is less valuable than a costume or continue-jewels or whatever.

      This is unlike the arcade where it was a quarter per try, making every try as valuable as the last, and you need a try to start. Arcade basically is designed for you to lose at certain points, say, every other level. So it's like the up-front cost of a videogame is spread throughout your experience. Oh, I just beat levels 1 and 2 but got a game over on 3. Better put another quarter in. This'll pay for 3 and 4.

      That's very different than saying a continue is more valuable than the starting-product, especially when the game is shallow to begin with. As mobile games are.

    3. Now I really understand the differences between microtransactions and quarters at an arcade. I has having difficulties trying to figure out the distinction between them.

    4. There's also the fact that someone DID pay upfront for the arcade machine: The arcade operator.

      In a way, you can see arcades as a rental model for players.

      Mobile trash just portray the total lack of value in a game. With people having no value expectations, the quality and scale of games would only go down.


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