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Thursday, January 28, 2016

KoopaTV Judges The Pre-Iowa Fox News Republican Presidential Debate!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Welcome back, Jim Gilmore. PLUS, KoopaTV's ENDORSEMENT for the Republican race.

Welcome back, folks. You know the drill by now, I think. This debate is ran by Fox News Channel and Google so there's a slight technical bent. Better than Fox continually partnering with that garbage social media company that begins with “F” and ends in “acebook”.

KoopaTV is going to judge Fox's debates. Two of 'em. We'll start with the four candidates in the lower debate and then the seven candidates later. Awards ceremony that all eleven will be part of, and then OUR ENDORSEMENT.

The Iowa caucus is on Monday, and we hope the folks we've endorsed end up winning. It's important for the state of America. And, uh, the videogame industry. Of course.

By the way, the debate was actually approaching intelligence since Donald Trump wasn't there.

The Lower Debate

Jim Gilmore

Do you remember Jim Gilmore? No? Well, he's only appeared in one debate: The very first Fox News Channel debate back in August. He didn't make much of an impression on us then. What's changed?

This time, Jim Gilmore is a lot crankier when he's not telling us his résumé in Virginia and across the country. That's probably what happens when the media ignores you for five months. Gilmore bashed the media, the political establishment, and Fox News directly for giving Carly Fiorina two questions in a row. (Implying that the media elites like Carly Fiorina, of all people?) “Did you skip me?” Gilmore asked, interrupting the moderator asking someone else a question.

So Fox asked Gilmore two questions in a row, and that implicated Gilmore as part of the media plot. Game over for him. You got out-foxed. That said, he subtle-y ripped on Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee for going to Donald Trump's skip-the-debate-support-the-vets rally across the street after this lower debate, going to “hold the coat for a billionaire.” (Note: No veteran group has been identified as the receiver of the money, and they apparently don't want Trump's money.)

Rick Santorum

Rick Santorum continues to be really stressed out, and in that stress forgot to really offer anything new to the discussion. The Fox News moderators actually questioned his pro-life commitment since he didn't go to the Right to Life rally during the snowstorm in Washington D.C. Even Carly Fiorina trashed Fox News after that.

Rick Santorum at least bashed the media. And Fox News and its obsession with Donald Trump, which hurts Santorum's candidacy.

Mike Huckabee

Huckabee loves the folks in Iowa, and they should love him. He's happy not to be backed by the big-money interests, even though that may be why he's in this debate and not the higher one. Still, it's great listening to Huckabee and his sweet preacher voice. Still supportin' the FairTax. And he talked about some Adele parody video his campaign released that I guess you can listen to as you read the rest of this article. It's not anything worse than anything KoopaTV has put out there:

Mike Huckabee also wasn't happy about the media.

Carly Fiorina

Observers claim that Carly Fiorina looks like some sort of dragon tonight. Carly Fiorina gave the reddest of meat by saying that Hillary Clinton needs to go to prison. I agree! Carly bashed the media and Fox News as well.

So pretty much no one likes Fox News tonight. Yikes. Or any other member of the media, which includes KoopaTV. Jerks.

Carly Fiorina Dragon Queen Fox News Debate GOP scales red crimson
Carly Fiorina's dragon dress.

The Upper Debate

Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz started off this way: “I'm a maniac. And everyone on this stage... is stupid, fat, and ugly. And Ben, you're a terrible surgeon. Now that we've got the Donald Trump portion out of the way...”

I think Ted Cruz had a good night, and he'll have a good performance in Iowa. He didn't really stand out, even though he and Marco Rubio talked the most.

Marco Rubio

Marco Rubio got laughably destroyed by the video montage of his pre-election promise to oppose amnesty for illegal immigrants, and once he got to the senate he supported amnesty.

I did like his line about Bernie Sanders running for president of Sweden, though.

Ben Carson

Poor Ben Carson basically fell asleep. You can tell after the YouTube question that came to him about legally immigrating people and non-white groups being welcome in America that he was surprised and basically talked nonsense. Jeb Bush had to intervene and answer it coherently and normally.

I really feel bad for Ben Carson, since he's a really good man.

Ben Carson falling asleep Fox News debate rest
Ben Carson used Rest!

Chris Christie

Chris Christie still wants to prosecute Hillary Clinton. Sounds like an extrajudicial way to take her down. He still has a bias against senators, and says as a governor he's had to make accountable decisions. Just... don't ask him probing questions about his (terrible) record in New Jersey.

Jeb Bush

Jeb Bush was actually... impressive? He actually had some energy. It's like when Donald Trump was there, it sucked out Jeb's energy and motivation to be there.

Speaking of Trump, Jeb Bush was the one who kept bringing up Donald Trump even though Trump wasn't there. Basically attacking him in absentee. What a savage. (Other folks tried to avoid mentioning Trump.)

John Kasich

I've been writing all along that Kasich should go away. I still think this. The man thinks the timer doesn't apply to him.

Rand Paul

Rand Paul has a cheerleading squad. What a cool guy. Great answers too, except one that came off weird.

Rand Paul Fox News Channel Debate Google

Let me explain Rand's answer on abortion, since it came off confusingly. Right now in America, abortion is a federal issue because of the court case Roe vs. Wade. As such, to restrict abortion you need to do it on the federal level, so Rand Paul submitted federal legislation to do that.

Rand Paul believes that Supreme Court decision was wrong, and abortion should be a states' rights issue, not a federal one. In that case, abortion should be banned state-by-state. But since Roe vs. Wade is still in place, it must be handled federally. Rand Paul believes abortion is BAD either way.


We would like to declare winners for each category:

  • Beauty: Ben Carson
  • Cool: Rand Paul
  • Cute: Jim Gilmore
  • Smart: Rand Paul
  • Tough: Jeb Bush

KoopaTV's Endorsement

KoopaTV would like to endorse Rand Paul for the Republican nomination for president. Please vote for him. Rand has shown us that he has the best judgment of the presidential candidates. Rand Paul also has the best interests of websites like KoopaTV at heart. He wants to keep the Internet free, and most believes in liberty and the principles of Freedom of Speech. This helps not only KoopaTV, but the videogame industry as a whole as a producer of artistic speech.

You'll read tomorrow (Friday) about a current presidential candidate that has tried to shut that speech down specifically in the videogame industry, if you think our political coverage up-to-this-point is unrelated to KoopaTV's videogame-focused mission. Rand Paul is the furthest candidate away from that.

Stay tuned to KoopaTV for more coverage of further debates and other important events, as well as that article we just promised! Let KoopaTV know about the candidates you're supporting.

Here is that Friday article. The current presidential candidate? Hillary Rodham Clinton.


  1. I swear koopaTV has become a site about politics now lol

    1. We're just letting it all out this week.

    2. Since it's the week before the voting process starts, we wanted to pack it with our thoughts. :)


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