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Friday, June 29, 2018

Pray for Vortexica... he's been decommissioned.

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Oh scrap!

A month ago, KoopaTV provided exclusive analysis from nigh-exclusive information about Cappy's appearance at the Royal Wedding that took place in the United Kingdom. One of the two sources that we credited as Jonathan Sanchez, whom happened to be the source that went viral, has since disappeared entirely from Twitter.

Prominent United Kingdom denizens are disappearing from existence when Cappy is nearby. We think this has happened to KoopaTV's very own staffer, Vortexica, who is our foreign correspondent stationed in the United Kingdom. We thought that we would wait for E3 2018 for him to make a surprise reappearance — after all, he has expressed during his previous terrorism-caused exiles that appearing for the Electronic Entertainment Expo is a priority.

But E3 2018 has been over for more than two weeks now. It's going to be July. No sign of Vortex. Since that Royal Wedding article, I have retracted my friendship on the Nintendo Switch with Vortexica and then resent it — multiple times — with the goal of giving him a fresh, KoopaTV-branded notification to remind him that showing up here is very important. But he hasn't accepted the requests. Worse yet, he hasn't been on the Nintendo Switch. Or anywhere else. No social media, Discord, or e-mail. He's missed two quarters of no-expenses-paid KoopaTV staff meetings in our Sierra Leone office! And Vortexica is supposed to be a responsible guy. If he was gonna quit for whatever reason, he'd give us a notice. This must have been foul play, and if anyone would be foul within Vortex's area, it's Cappy.


Transformers Battle for Cybertron CLUTCH Vortex
Vortex evidently could no longer afford to keep up his CLUTCH factor.
(Not my fault he's naturally inclined to blow his KoopaTV-provided tax cut bonus.)

You might have noticed a string of recent articles portraying Europe as this extremely dangerous place where death is lurking at every corner. Aside from being an accurate depiction, we also think it's a cause of Vortex's apparent demise. Part of it may be KoopaTV's fault for having Vortexica be our designated foreign correspondent out of the United Kingdom... but on the other hand, he volunteered it for his own convenience. And he enjoyed his role and considered his Decepticon self to be a Brit

Speaking of hyperlinking a Brexit analysis article from him...

...Vortexica's disappearance from KoopaTV could be considered a Brexit. And, unlike the leaving-the-European-Union Brexit that hasn't actually happened yet (what's going on?), this actually did happen, and it happened abruptly and sharply. Now we have no more British or European representation. I guess, for the sake of the lives of the rest of KoopaTV, we shouldn't try to backfill Vortexica's role with anyone representing Europe ever again. The risk is too great.

Koopa Troopa prayer sprite



That Koopa Troopa sprite at the end basically became known as the Vortex emoji in KoopaTV's Discord server, since it's consistently used to mean “pray for Vortex.” Please offer a prayer and a eulogy in the comments section. In any case, Vortex's biography has been moved within the About Us page from CURRENT KOOPATV STAFF to the KILLED IN ACTION section. KoopaTV's ranks have now fallen to four. Europe has now been added as a banned class in the Jobs page.


The last time KoopaTV's staff members have been killed were the TV Troopas in 2015, at the hands of ISIS.
ISIS also was targeting Vortexica for a while.
Due to Vortexica no longer being with us, KoopaTV Adventures is cancelled.

2 comments :

  1. It was not until the last line in the footer until it really hit me just how much we lost. I offer my sincerest condolences to Vortexica's family and the KoopaTV staff.

    ReplyDelete

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