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Monday, June 25, 2018

The Pre-E3 2018 Disaster: Anthony Bourdain Suicides in... EUROPE!

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Less than two weeks after I wrote about Miles Edgeworth going to do the same.

Did you think it was weird and out-of-place that I very recently wrote about famous American prosecutor Miles Edgeworth's suicidal escapades to Europe — specifically France? At first glance, it didn't look like there was any real prompt for it — Memorial Day is a rather weak trigger.

And then, right before E3 2018, famous American chef (and television personality) Anthony Bourdain killed himself. I never watched his programming since I don't watch the Travel Channel or FAKE NEWS CNN, but there was intense online and even offline reaction to his self-inflicted death.

Now, here's the kicker: Anthony Bourdain committed suicide by hanging, in Europe — specifically France. Sound familiar?

Anthony Bourdain did exactly what I wrote Miles Edgeworth was going to do in his latest European trip. It's almost as if he was inspired by reading KoopaTV's article. 

...Anyway, to anyone who read the article and thought that my treatment of Europe as a place where people go to die was unreasonable...well... I was proven right very shortly after the article was published, was I not? And this happens all the time. Not specifically expatriates killing themselves, but Europe as a whole has a greater self-willed death rate than the United States — or anywhere else in the world. France's crude suicide rate is higher than the United States as well.

(The United Kingdom has one of the lower rates, but it's still not zero. RIP Vortexica?)

Our independent investigators out in France (Kamek's flunkies) have some updated information on what exactly Miles Edgeworth, still going around as Benjamin Hunter, is doing.

In preparation for his imminent death (we can confirm that he is not yet deceased), Benjamin Hunter has been training an ape to do lawyering and any other tasks in his stead. It's unknown if this ape will also pretend to be someone he's not, but it's pretty possible. In fact, pretty likely:

Donkey Kong Mario Tennis Aces lose Miles Edgeworth Ace Attorney dismayed teeth angry pupils fist slamming table
Left: Miles Edgeworth's trained ape pretending to be Donkey Kong.
Right: Miles Edgeworth pretending to be Benjamin Hunter.

It is said that Miles Edgeworth became obsessed with getting a monkey after observing Money the monkey from the horrific Berry Big Circus beat up the prosecutor's rival, Phoenix Wright.



Unfortunately, that's all we got, since Kamek's guys mysteriously disappeared as well. At least it proves that Miles Edgeworth is still alive as of around E3.

We don't want to make light of the issue of suicide — we hope that Miles Edgeworth reads this site. Rather than killing himself like Anthony Bourdain might have done when he read KoopaTV (my bad), we hope that he chooses the path of the living in America, rather than the path of doom in Europe. And quit that Benjamin Hunter thing. He can even still have an ape assistant, though I think Detective Dick Gumshoe fits that just fine.

By the way, that's the real reason why our E3 Weeks 2018 logo featured Miles Edgeworth on it. We really wanted to attract him to this site. Before it was too late and he took after Anthony Bourdain, who was taking after Edgeworth's original note.


If you're in America and feel like dying, call 1-800-273-8255. If you're in France, there isn't a national suicide hotline for you, but 112 is the emergency number for much of Europe, including France. Stay alive, Miles Edgeworth/Benjamin Hunter! Let Anthony Bourdain be the last American who goes to Europe to die!

4 comments :

  1. "It's unknown if this ape will also pretend to be someone he's not"

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGu31IenF-4

    ReplyDelete
  2. Seven of the happiest countries in the world in the 2018 list are in Europe, yet the suicide rate is higher than any other continent. Why could this be?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My gut instinct is "FAKE NEWS."

      Just so we're all on the same page, those countries are Finland (15.4), Norway (12.2), Denmark (12.8), Iceland (14.0), Switzerland (17.2), Netherlands (12.6), and Sweden (14.8).
      (Parenthesis next to each country is suicide rate for 100,000 people, not the happiness rate)

      The lowest suicide rates in the world are in the Middle East, incidentally.

      That tells me two things. One, that there is perhaps a correlation between countries that have lax laws regarding suicide, and suicide rates. (There is a Wikipedia article about "suicide tourism" which is what this KoopaTV article implies is what Anthony Bourdain and Miles Edgeworth are doing/have done. Switzerland and Netherlands get sections there, and you may note that Switzerland's rate is pretty high.)

      Two, Europe has a lot of countries, and has some countries that drive up its average rate, like Russia and Lithuania. France is above average, though, and would be further above average if you took out those outliers.


      The happiness rankings themselves may also have a flawed methodology.

      Delete

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