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Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Orange Juice is Awful, and Pulp Makes it Worse (Splatfest)

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Do I make myself clear?

I'm going to just cut the suspense and flowery philosophical writing. I hate citrus fruit and all of its byproducts. I detest the taste of oranges, orange juice, orange popsicles, and anything else you can flavour with orange. At least if a treat is yellow, there's a possibility it can be banana-flavoured instead of lemon, which is a big plus around these parts. Oranges have a lock on the colour orange, for an obvious reason.

What does not have an obvious reason is why Splatoon 2 will have a Splatfest this Saturday based around if one prefers pulp or no pulp in their orange juice. (Pulp is also known as “juice vesicles” — it's the fruit membranes that come out when you squeeze a fruit to produce juice.) I don't drink orange juice. I don't drink any juices with pulp in it. I don't think you can still use the verb “drink” when it comes to pulp-containing juices. It's a solid byproduct. In an otherwise liquid beverage experience. Just on that basis alone, no pulp is the winner.

Splatoon 2 Splatfest orange juice Team Pulp versus Team No Pulp announcement
I like my orange juice spilled down a warp pipe, personally.
Note: The team with orange ink is Team Pulp.

If you need some indication of which team will win the Popularity vote, the Everybody Votes Channel back on the Wii had a “With orange juice, do you prefer pulp or no pulp?” poll in February 2012 for the United States. Pulp got 33.7% of the vote, and no pulp got 66.3%.

It's probably likely that Team Pulp will win the most victories and win the whole Splatfest, but... Don't let that likelihood turn you away from doing the right thing. Also, the Splatfest is shared with Europe, which may explain why the theme is so bad.

With this article, Ludwig continues to complete his contractual obligation to write about the Splatfests as they come. Which team are you on? Do you care? Do you think that Ludwig missed a chance to make a greater metaphor with this article, or do you share his view that this is an awful Splatfest idea?

The Splatfest before this was the finale of the trio of Splatfests about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Another terrible idea.
The next Splatfest is very consequential and on-topic. Too much so.


  1. My plan this weekend is to go to the TooManyGames con and meet Charles Martinet and hopefully get him to say your request. Also hotel wifi will most likely be bad and therefore i do not even want to attempt playing this Splatfest so I can be spared from its awfulness.

    Also I was forced to drink both the pulp and seeds of freshly squeezed orange juice when i was younger by my grandparents. I miss my grandparents but don't miss the being forced to drink the orange juice part.

    1. ...Hm...

      Do me a favour and go to Mega Cat Studios's booth and tell them that you liked their guest article on

      That would make everyone's day. I bet that'd make them happy. It'd certainly make me happy because then KoopaTV looks important/significant. And you can be happy because it'd probably be amusing.

      Yeah, thank you for sparing Splatoon players the horrors of bad hotel wi-fi.

      Being forced to drink/consume/eat pulp is an even bigger horror than laggy Splatoon!

    2. I made a video of Mega Cat Studio and mentioned I need to do some editing and I will send you it.

    3. ....Oooh, something to look forward to... ♪

  2. OJ, to me, is a situational drink. Whenever my body has an actual need for that kind of Vitamin C, it tastes freakin' delicious, but other times yeah not so much.

    And yeah, pulp in OJ is just WRONG. I want to DRINK my drink not EAT it!

    1. It's a situational drink... with no situation where I ever want it.

      What does a body feel like when it is craving for Vitamin C?
      For me, taste always trumps nutritional interests.

      You can get your day's worth of Vitamin C from a glass of apple juice, plus a multivitamin.

      Thank you for that last sentence — goes to the CORE of the point!

    2. It's not really a different feeling in my BODY, more like...okay like, when I DON'T need the Vitamin C from orange juice, the stuff doesn't taste BAD (to me, I guess it does to you) but like, I wouldn't drink a big glass of it. When I am short there, it's like I can't even stop drinking it. It's kind of odd really.

    3. Well now it sounds like you don't know if you're deficient in Vitamin C until the moment you start drinking orange juice. Seems like a "drink before you think" situation. Test the bodily waters.

      Sounds like you at least keep cartons of orange juice in your home, then.

    4. Not always. Usually just when the brand we favor is on sale at the grocery store.

    5. But... maybe you stock up on the orange juice when that happens.

      I'm unfamiliar with what expiration dates on orange juice are like, or brand differences. (If those are actually a thing or just marketing.)

  3. Orange juice can only be in one form and that is without any pulp. There are no exceptions. If there is anything solid besides ice in a cup it is no longer a drink. With that settled, I'm looking forward to the next Splatfest in which we decide if we prefer paper or plastic bags.

    1. We were supposed to get the Splatfest where it's right hand vs. left hand, accordin' to you!

      I actually legitimately want to have a Splatfest where it's paper vs. plastic, because I can go into that whole discussion and I want to get into that.

      Don't let restaurants and airliners screw you out of your cup's capacity by filling up half the container with ice.

    2. I would be interested in KoopaTV's take on the plastic vs paper debate.

      Plastic bags are useful for me because I need to seal up my daughter's scripts for fake news networks so nothing will leak out and the fake news networks can use every word of her scripts. I also discard them properly. On the other hand we got stupid humans not discarding plastic bags properly and then sea turtles suffocate to death thinking the bags are jellyfish. I am not fond of causing a species to go extinct but paper bags rip so easily. koopaTV can give me a whole new perspective on that debate.

    3. Well, just wait for the upcoming (?) Splatfest on it!

      Though at this rate, they'll ask if we like soda vs. diet soda, or coffee with caffeine vs. coffee without.

    4. Well it just escalated to literal race wars.

    5. I don't know how I'm going to approach that Splatfest, since I don't want KoopaTV to be responsible for inflaming a race war.

    6. Considering the "legally better" quote and how in real life human history some races where actually made to be legally superior or inferior to other races, that is going to be a pretty uncomfortable topic.

    7. Exactly.

      Fortunately, I have several weeks to think about this, since the timeframe from announcement to Splatfest is longer for this one than before.


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