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Thursday, November 15, 2018

The Best Chip Dip From A Guy With Teeth Not Made For Crunching Chips: Splatoon 2 Splatfest

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - It's obviously salsa.

Apparently, we need more than one Splatfest about condiments. You may remember the first official Splatoon 2 Splatfest was about Mayonnaise vs. Ketchup. I sided with Ketchup. Ketchup lost.

This time, the Splatfest for this weekend (November 17; I highly recommend participating in it instead of playing, or buying, a Pokémon: Let's Go game) is about Salsa vs. Guacamole, in a battle about which chip dip is superior.

Splatoon 2 Splatfest Salsa Guacamole news Pearl Marina
“What's your favorite chip dip? Salsa or guacamole?”
 
Strangely, Pearl is siding with Salsa and Marina is siding with Guacamole. Yet in Mayonnaise vs. Ketchup, Pearl sided with Mayonnaise and Marina sided with Ketchup.

Reminder that Salsa is made from tomatoes. Guacamole is made from avocados. Mayonnaise is made from eggs. And ketchup is also made from tomatoes.

You'd think you'd keep siding with tomatoes for the consistency, but I suppose in terms of consistency, ketchup and salsa are quite... different. Unlike Pearl and Marina, however, I'm sticking with tomato-based condiments and I'm on Team Salsa. Quite frankly, I don't even remember what guacamole tastes like. But I know salsa very well. Because it's the only way I can effectively get something from chips. Observe:

Ludwig Von Koopa Plushwig plushie Kirkland corn chips salsa milk Splatfest
Ludwig with a giant bag of Kirkland Signature (Costco) corn chips, and a serving of Newman's Own Mango Salsa.
(With a glass of milk making a cameo.)

Don't see the problem? Well, recall what my mouth looks like, as written about in this article about teeth. Chips are designed to be crunched with two sets of teeth, including back teeth. My mouth isn't designed for that. Maybe this zoom-in picture will help:

Ludwig Von Koopa plushie Plushwig corn chip whittle bucktooth tooth
One tooth on the top part of my mouth... Yeah...

Given my circumstances, I double-dip my chips. Or even triple-dip them. Sometimes, I don't even try to eat the chip. I just lick the salsa off the chip. Some people have a big problem with that, so I make chips and dips a solitary affair. That, and I'm sort of self-conscious to begin with. See this Seinfeld clip for more information about chips and double-dips:


As for guacamole, I find it incredibly suspicious. As far as I can tell, it's the prime product of the Mexico-dominated avocado industry. It's shortened to “guac” to try to seem hip to non-Hispanic American Millennials or something. Seems like the type of thing that marketing departments have put a lot of investment into, but the product itself doesn't match the purported greatness. If I'm consuming mostly the dip and not the chip, for sure I want salsa over the likes of guacamole.

Regardless of which condiment you pick (salsa will win Popularity), please don't eat chips with condiments while playing videogames

May this be Marina's first loss in the post-Version 4.00 Splatoon 2 Splatfest scoring system


By the way, if you want even more things to do that don't involve playing Pokémon: Let's Go, maybe check out the GameFAQs Character Battle X? Tonight, they just started the Divisional Finals, so Ludwig has updated his coverage and voting selections for that entire round. Pikachu is up right now, so you should vote against it. Speaking of votes, will you vote for Team Salsa, or Team Guacamole? And do you have any advice for Ludwig's self-conscious consumption conundrum?


The Splatfest before this was Trick vs. Treat.
The next Splatfest is Heroes vs. Villains.

8 comments :

  1. I got lucky with the timing of this Splatfest because I just got our new apartment and have to work on moving next week and therefore we would have to disconnect the internet temporarily to transfer it to the new place. Maybe I will make a homemade salsa to celebrate whether it wins or loses for the new apartment when we finally fully move in.

    I do really like avocado itself, especially for the healthy fat. I am a very thin person and have to eat a lot of calories to maintain a healthy weight. I feel awful just shoving in me tons of junk food all day just for calories. I feel very fatigued from that and I have a much harder time functioning and taking care of my child. I do not like guacamole though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You got lucky with the article timing too 'cause this just got published...!

      How is guacamole prepared in that you like its ingredient but you dislike its byproduct?

      Delete
    2. Maybe it is because just can't feel the avocado taste I desire anymore. It is pumped with loads of other ingredients. or maybe I just got unlucky with the spreads I have tasted. Maybe I should also consider making my homemade guacamole when moving to the new apartment which has the majority taste be avocado.

      It's a good thing I have no interest in Pokémon: Let's Go. Money is tight right now with the apartment and moving.

      Delete
    3. Forget the homemade guacamole. Homemade salsa, only!

      I hope you have the savings for Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. :)

      Delete
    4. Looks like I only need to work on homemade salsa.

      Delete
    5. (For anyone else reading the comments section: Team Salsa not only won, but won in a landslide. Easily won Popularity AND the actual battles at surprisingly not-close rates.)

      If you can get it past customs (and you probably can't), please send some homemade salsa to KoopaTV's Sierra Leone HQ! Our staff is going to be there soon for a Super Smash Bros. Ultimate release party and we'd love to have chips and homemade salsa (just not simultaneously while playing). :)

      Delete
  2. How is this even a debate? Guac isn't even SPICY! Also, much love for the "consistency" pun. And avocados are unappetizing mush in the deceptive shape of a fruit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe people don't like spice?

      You see in the picture my salsa is Mango Salsa, which isn't as spicy as salsa can get. Still plenty more appreciable than guacamole.

      I'm in love with my own wordplay in this article, so thank you for noticing.

      Avocados are apparently berries, which sounds like they're masquerading as something they really aren't. As you said, DECEPTIVE.

      Delete

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