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Thursday, September 8, 2022

Unofficial Statement on Death of Queen Elizabeth II

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - I'm only speaking for myself, not for Koopa Kingdom.

Queen Elizabeth II of the Commonwealth realms has peacefully passed away today at the age of 96. Her son, Charles III (73 years young), is now King of the United Kingdom and those realms, and is currently the shortest-reigning monarch on Earth.

This comes exactly two months after the very non-peaceful (or “mostly peaceful” if you're FAKE NEWS CNN) assassination of former Japanese Prime Minister Shinzō Abe, which KoopaTV published an official statement about on behalf of Koopa Kingdom due to our involved relationship with him.

Our history with Queen Elizabeth is more contentious and less relevant, so you get the following unofficial statement instead.


Growing up as a member of the Royal Koopa Family, I was briefed on Earth's human monarchs. You know, for monarch-to-monarch foreign relations, if necessary. Queen Elizabeth II was around since way before I was born, and seemed to be a constant in the United Kingdom.

I've never directly interacted with her, and the only time we've really brought her up was when Koopa Kingdom annexed Alberta (formerly of Canada). We referred to her as “doing a pretty bad job.” You see, Canada is one of those Commonwealth nations, and the ultimate responsibility of the nobility is to protect their people and maintain the territory. Queen Elizabeth II failed at that. I then figured out that Earth's monarchies tend to be significantly underpowered compared to our monarchies. What's the point of having a king or a queen if they don't have any authority to exert? What is King Charlies III going to do with it?


Queen Elizabeth II also allowed Cappy, who is an existential threat to...basically everyone, to pass through the Royal Wedding of her grandson, Prince Harry. Cappy should've been destroyed right there, but the weak and pathetic British monarchy did nothing. It's unclear to me what exactly Queen Elizabeth II did besides give generic speeches to other countries and raise dogs. I think royalty should be a lot more involved!

Rest in peace, though. Now she can join her husband in the afterlife.



Ludwig is at least happy that the Queen died through natural causes, and it'll be weird to refer to the United Kingdom having a king instead of a queen. He was legitimately emotionally wrecked when Shinzō Abe was assassinated, but he doesn't really feel anything for Queen Elizabeth II. KoopaTV promises not to write articles every time a head of state of an Earth country goes and dies, but this article was relevant in terms of providing closure on a KoopaTV plotline. For all of what Ludwig just wrote about an active and present monarchy, Koopa Kingdom really hasn't done anything with Alberta after annexing it. Save your whining if you're going to criticise KoopaTV for publishing an article being critical of Queen Elizabeth II right when she dies. Ludwig wanted to write about Splatoon 3 instead, but universe events interrupted that.

2 comments :

  1. I was never obsessed with the monarchs, but it's still sad to see her go. It really is the end of an era, a bit abruptly really.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. With regards to being abrupt, she went from "she has big complications this morning" to "dead in the afternoon."

      Delete

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