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Friday, March 10, 2017

The CIA's Assassination Attempt Against Waluigi

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - With Mario's help, the CIA is exporting compromised cars to the Mushroom Kingdom. A MAR10 Day exclusive!

Even if the mainstream media is scared of discussing it, I hope you've become aware of and familiarised yourself with the “Vault 7” information provided by Wikileaks earlier this week. That's Part 1 of the information dump about how the United States of America's Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) is doing all kinds of nefarious and illegal spying and hacking activities, most of which are outside the scope of KoopaTV.

One of the many scary things that the CIA is plotting is to gain the ability to remotely control vehicle systems, and other Internet of Things devices. It's unknown what the CIA would plan to do once they have access to those systems, but many speculate the obvious thing to do is to send someone to their death by taking the car over. 

Conspiracy theorists (and I don't mean that pejoratively, because they were correct not to trust the CIA to begin with — though that particular video isn't one worth watching) believe that CIA-hacked remote-access to vehicles is how journalist Michael Hastings was killed in 2013. Michael Hastings was a journalist who was on the trail of the American intelligence agencies and was going to release a big story. Then he died in a Mercedes car that all of a sudden went very high-speed and smashed into a palm tree. His death was ruled... an accident.

Nevermind that the CIA was discussing developing the capability to do that in 2014, and Michael Hastings died in 2013. That's a minor and insignificant detail. Perhaps the CIA members weren't aware that they already could do that in a different department. Communication is always an issue in large organisations such as that.

But that was years ago, and this is now. I have a startling and slightly-personal report to share with y'all about how the CIA's capabilities have evolved since 2013 (or 2014): They are exporting the compromised cars from Earth to my world, and there are already disastrous and almost-fatal results.

It's important to note that Michael Hastings died in a MERCEDES. When have we written about Mercedes before?

Mario Kart 8 Mercedes GLA car Waluigi downloadable content
...Oh yeah.

We wrote about Mercedes when Mario Kart 8 was released and they announced Mercedes-Benz downloadable content. For free. (The “free” part is important.)

Now, you should ask: How did the Mercedes brand end up over in Star World when it originated on Earth? If you look at that article, you can clearly see whom the brand ambassador is: Mario. But that shouldn't be a surprise. Of course it's Mario. Who else would it be?

You really think that the CIA wasn't going to take advantage of Mario (and his cap) going to Earth and dealing with world leaders? I'm sure they were watching the Closing Ceremonies of the Rio 2016 Olympics just as closely as KoopaTV was.

So now the CIA has a relationship with Mario (and Mario has a relationship with Daimler AG), and will export these Mercedes. Why are they even interested in Star World? Well, exactly two and a half years ago, I wrote about how King Bowser should beware of the administration of President Barack Hussein Obama and his existing alliance with Mario:
[President Barack Hussein Obama is] only there for two more years, but that doesn't mean he won't have a disciple right after him. And unless the United States elects a president that will have real change (like Rand Paul), whoever the next dude (or woman, and please forbid it being that witch) is shall continue whatever Obama started.”
While that witch ultimately failed in her quest (though Rand Paul didn't work out) and a president that wants to undo almost everything the previous president did is now in office, it doesn't change the fact that elements within the United States government, the so-called DEEP STATE, are still working on their previous plots. Consider it organisational inertia. Such plots include all of the bad stuff they're planning in my world.

Plots like... THIS!

Waluigi Mercedes GLA Mario Kart 8 Cheep Cheep Beach trick stunt upside down
Waluigi is driving a Mercedes... and has lost control over it! It's going by itself!

Here is a case study in evil CIA plots. This one just happened. 

Enter Waluigi. He's admittedly a pretty suspicious guy, said to be a UKIP supporter because of his chosen colour scheme. He has a mysterious affinity with water and swimming, which may explain why he is in Cheep Cheep Beach on this occasion. Waluigi always wants the latest and expensive-looking things, and might even be a hipster. Waluigi is also an aficionado of older German culture. As a result, he acquired a Mercedes-Benz vehicle. A GLA, to be specific. Selling price? Absolutely free, which is great because Waluigi doesn't have a job, despite his interest in luxury. He couldn't pass it up.

The CIA, of course, knew Waluigi's interests ahead of time. He's a high-profile guy. This wasn't an act of randomness: They and Mario conspired together specifically against Waluigi. The CIA believes Waluigi is some sort of terrorist trying to undermine the government, and Mario hates Waluigi as a person due to some... family history. Unfortunately for Waluigi, he had no way of knowing his Mercedes GLA was compromised by the CIA.

Waluigi was taking his relatively new Mercedes GLA out for a leisurely ride in Cheep Cheep Beach, in full control. It was a luxurious experience for the crafty middle-aged man. All of a sudden, according to KoopaTV's own independent investigation, Waluigi's Mercedes began to accelerate beyond speeds Waluigi even knew was possible, and this is the same guy who obsesses over the Autobahn. Waluigi tried to control his car and the breaks, but he could barely even stay inside the car. (See above photo.)

Perhaps it would've been to Waluigi's advantage to abandon his out-of-control Mercedes, because what happened next was nearly fatal:

Waluigi Mercedes explosion palm tree Michael Hastings Mario Kart 8 Cheep Cheep Beach CIA conspiracy plot assassination
Waluigi's Mercedes crashed into a palm tree, creating a massive explosion.

The Mercedes GLA slammed into a Cheep Cheep Beach palm tree, and then exploded. Fortunately, Waluigi survived, but it's truly a miracle that he did. He's in critical care right now.

This has CIA fingerprints all over it. I mean, it's basically the same thing that happened to Michael Hastings. Plus, how else would a compromised Mercedes GLA end up in the Mushroom Kingdom if not for the CIA?

Either way, it's no surprise that the maniacal Mario would help such a plot. He doesn't care about the long-term consequences of affiliating with the DEEP STATE from another universe. I'll give a warning to everyone reading this from Koopa Kingdom:

Don't buy a Mercedes (even if it's free), or any other vehicle with origins from Earth. It's likely a CIA plot, and if it isn't, they're probably still crap. Support Koopa Kingdom's own manufacturing industry!

Besides, planes are better than cars anyway.


KoopaTV is considering starting a GoFundMe page for Waluigi's medical bills. If you would be interested in donating to him, let KoopaTV know in the comments! (Also, let KoopaTV know if you would be interested in donating to KoopaTV...) KoopaTV and Ludwig have been using MAR10 Day (or “Mario Day”) as a good time to spread the message that Mario is evil for over thirteen years now, and the plumber's acts of cruelty never cease to amaze.


During 2016's March 10, KoopaTV reported that competitor Mario Kart TV was ending. 
For 2015's March 10, Ludwig went on an investigation-turned-rescue-mission to rescue the Moo Moo Meadows cows that were ruthlessly and racially segregated by Mario. 
In 2014's March 10, Ludwig talked about how he was in Mario Kart 8 and the previous month's Nintendo Direct.

6 comments :

  1. Good thing my car isn't a Mercedes!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Be careful...
      ...The CIA can hack ANY car. Not just Mercedes.
      They just happen to like (or...really hate, since they get wrecked) Mercedes for some reason.

      Delete
    2. I was gonna ask how can they hack a 2000 car model, but they're the CIA.

      Delete
    3. ...Yeah.

      I'm not sure at what year cars went from being physics-based to computer-based. Whatever is after that year the CIA can hack.

      Delete
  2. This is one of the most interesting conspiracies that I have heard in a while. I never came to the conclusion that Waluigi was such a high ranking individual, but now that you mention it, that explains everything. I can see why the CIA was after him. For all we know, they may be attempting to hack King Bowser's Koopa Clown Car next.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know. It's scary. How am I gonna participate in Super Smash Bros. now?

      Fortunately, the whole point here is that, for now, we only need to be afraid of vehicles that come from Earth. The CIA, as of now, doesn't have any capabilities to send agents to compromise our fleets over here.

      The key thing is that the CIA needs to plant some sort of bug or backdoor into a product first, before they can remote-access and hack it.

      Since Waluigi saw a FREE MERCEDES, he's like, "WAAAAH!" and took it. That sealed his fate.

      Delete

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