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Tuesday, January 25, 2022

Joe Biden Lifts Weight Restrictions from Bridges; Mario and Wario in bridge collapse "accident"

By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - Unfortunately, the desired roles were reversed.

According to @POTUS, the Twitter account currently operated by President of the United States Joseph Robinette Biden Jr., it's apparently a bipartisan proposal (well, not just a proposal—it's law now) that “when bridges don't have weight restrictions [...] that's how [America] resolve[s] supply chain problems and gets goods to people quicker and cheaper.”

“Bipartisan” may sound sweet and nice, but what's it matter when both parties involved are idiots not acting in the best interest of their constituents? ...I'm not really sure how this benefits the politicians, either.

Listen, I'm a fan of deregulation and reducing government. Less restrictions usually mean more freedom. I get it. But in this specific circumstance, regulation is actually a good thing. The governments (federal and state/local) have, for decades, established weight restrictions on bridges and has worked with the trucking industry to establish standards. Basically, if you're going to be driving a big (heavy) vehicle going over a bridge, they'd rather your vehicle have several axles and be a longer truck (more space between axles) so the weight is spread across a bigger span than have it all concentrated in a smaller space. Otherwise, the bridge will wear down, crack, and eventually collapse. You might not see a collapse immediately, or even within President Joseph Robinette Biden Jr.'s term, but damage will be done. Alternatively, truckers might ignore the lifting of weight restrictions out of concern for their own safety, and pretend like all is normal and regulated.

However, elsewhere, some bad actors are deliberately taking advantage of frail bridges with their massive weight to cause harm to others. At least, that's our theory. Take a look at this footage captured by a Koopa Kingdom operator:

Super Smash Bros. Ultimate Mario Wario Bike Gerudo Valley bridge collapse gif

This took place at the Gerudo Valley bridge over the Zora River, all the way in Hyrule. For whatever reason, Mario and Wario were there. Mario, in all of his pudginess that's unknown in Hyrule and not taken into account by their engineers, walked across the bridge quite slowly and deliberately with his incredibly harmful boots. With regards to weight restrictions, he put his full and massive weight in a very small, concentrated area. KoopaTV believes that this drastically weakened the integrity of the bridge.

As a result, when Wario motorcycled across the bridge (and it seems like Wario's motorcycle meets safety standards) immediately following Mario crossing it, it collapsed under him... and... the “accident” occurred. But just look at Mario's face in the .gif above. I mean, he looks guilty to me. He was clearly in the murderous state of mind. Well, I always think he's in that. (And I'm always right.)

Oh, but how do I know that the bridge collapse wasn't entirely from Wario? I mean, he's the one riding the vehicle. Well, I have evidence, of course:

Mushroom Kingdom scales Mario Wario bike Super Smash Bros. Ultimate
Mario weighs more than Wario's motorcycle, according to official Mushroom Kingdom weight measurement tools.

According to these Mushroom Kingdom scales (photo taken before the accident, of course), Mario weighs far, FAR more than Wario's motorcycle does. I mean, Mario is about to break the scale, just like how he later would break the bridge.

Actually, Mario's weight is even more... impressively massive when you look at this photo from the same set of scales:

Mushroom Kingdom Super Smash Bros. Ultimate Mario Wario Bike scales weight
Mario, in fact, weighs more than Wario AND his motorcycle put together.
And although the still image doesn't show it, Mario continued to weigh his side down until the scale broke.

Without a doubt, the party responsible for exceeding the weight restriction on the Gerudo Valley bridge is Mario. The weight of Wario and Wario's motorcycle combined is no match for the red-hatted menace.

Oh, we also caught the moment after the collapse. It's...quite gruesome.

Super Smash Bros. Ultimate Gerudo Valley Zora River bridge collapse Wario
If you look at this image at a far enough distance, you'll think it's an image of denim pants or something.
But, no, you can see Wario (and his bike) falling into the river.
Mario is... unhelpfully looking at the results of his handiwork.
Will we ever see Wario again? ...Hopefully?

At this time, KoopaTV cannot confirm Wario's safety. The Gerudo Valley bridge is off-limits right now. ...I mean, you can't cross it anyway. They need to rebuild it. ...Maybe you can use a Longshot when no one is looking. In any case, no goods will be crossing Gerudo Valley any time soon. More supply chain problems were created than resolved.

Those living in the United States should take what happened to Wario as a cautionary tale and be cautious around bridges. It's not worth the demise of lives just to get a few extra goods to stores in the country from ports or warehouses. ...Also, try out the scale thing for yourself. It's actually amazing how Wario's bike is apparently weightless (even if he's on it)... or Mario is just incredibly thick. KoopaTV's official position is that Mario should have been the one to fall into the river... ideally never to be seen again.

This feels oddly reminiscent of when Waluigi found himself the victim of a CIA assassination plot. Mario was involved as well.
This story won the Best Enlightenment Movement article of 2022 award!

1 comment :

  1. This is amazing.

    So President Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. has a scheduled speech at Pittsburgh today. Right before he shows up, an important bridge just collapses there.


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