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Wednesday, August 9, 2017

The Wonderful 1237 Strategy Guides: Lindsey Graham

 By LUDWIG VON KOOPA - If Lindsey Graham were president, the world would be a much different place today. (That's a bad thing.)

We're running out of opportunities to be publishing Wonderful Wednesday articles. If you don't know what Wonderful Wednesday is by now, you're not an active KoopaTV reader. (There are benefits to being one of those, including a chance of winning the KoopaTV Loyalty Rewards Program.) Wonderful Wednesday is the series of Wednesday-dated articles all about KoopaTV's FREE browser-based Flash game, The Wonderful 1237! The Wonderful 1237 features seventeen unique minigames, all from each of the seventeen Republican presidential candidates you will be competing with should you play the game. (...And you damn well should.)

As explained in the Wonderful Wednesday article about those minigames, I'll be writing these strategy guides — one for each candidate, in a specific order. This one is about the one of the current Senators of the great state of South Carolina: Lindsey Graham. Lindsey Graham is notable for being a total chicken hawk and one of the leading neo-conservatives in the country. For those who don't know what that means, it means that Lindsey Graham is a big supporter in the United States of America constantly getting into more wars (including against North Korea) and trying to shove democracy down the throats of the other nations of the world. Exactly the kind of foreign policy that we don't want. Lindsey Graham was also a very ineffective candidate, and that is reflected in his stats. However, Lindsey Graham has one strength: He is the Cutest candidate in The Wonderful 1237. His mannerisms are adorable. All of his answers during the debate questions related to him wanting to drink beer with his opposition. (And anyone else interested.) He's in favour of more immigration and amnesty, and isn't even a conservative. It's a wonder how South Carolina keeps electing him.

Candidate Stats

Base stats and growth:
Beauty: 0 + (0–2)
Cool: 0 + (0–3)
Cute: 3 + (1–5)
Smart: 0 + (0–2)
Tough: 0 + (0–3)

Average untouched stats after 14 rounds:
Beauty: 14
Cool: 21
Cute: 45
Smart: 14
Tough: 21

Average likelihood of surviving Iowa if untouched:
Average likelihood. (Lindsey Graham will have 11 delegates on average; need 11 to clear.)
The Wonderful 1237 versus vs Lindsey Graham endorsement minigame fight screen
“Versus... Lindsey Graham. Fight.”




Minigame

Basic Information

Name:
Follow the Leader.
Objective:
Do what John McCain does.
Approximate Time to Play:
10 seconds to play, and about 20 seconds total.
Controls:
Left, right, up, down, spacebar keys.


Strategy

Detailed Description:
John McCain will perform 10 dance moves. Each move is one of sticking his arm out left (left), sticking his arm out right (right), putting both of his hands up (up), doing a split on the ground (down), or looking like a stick (spacebar). Lindsey Graham is to emulate the moves John McCain performs. The game ends when Lindsey Graham performs 10 moves, and Lindsey Graham may perform moves as John McCain does them. John McCain will take less time in-between moves the more moves he has done.
Scoring:
The game will take the first 10 valid inputs the player does, and then compare them to the 10 dance moves that John McCain performed. If they match, then the player earns 10 points. If they do not match, then the player gets nothing.
Optimal Tactics:
As long as you remember to move along with John McCain, rather than watch him do 10 moves and then try to remember what his moves were, you will be fine. The game is rather easy. Remember: This is Simon Says, not another memory game.

The Wonderful 1237 Follow the Leader Lindsey Graham John McCain dance minigame Super Contest
Just remember that this pose (“Oh yeah!”) means you press spacebar.
However, if you are going to be playing by ear, then the dance moves correspond to these sounds:
  • Left: Lah
  • Right: Rah
  • Space: Ohya
  • Up: Uah
  • Down: OW!

Variants:
Each move performed is not dependent on a previous move. As in, unlike another music-based list-comparison minigame, you could have a game where all John McCain does is one move ten times. If I am not mistaken, there are 5 to the 10th power number of variants to the game (9,765,625), because each of the 10 dance moves has five possibilities.


Other Trivia

Skill(s) Tested:
Ability to follow directions from other people.
Inspiration/Flavour:
In the article that inspired KoopaTV's entire coverage of the actual Republican primaries (and then The Wonderful 1237), I wrote that we were going to treat it like a Super Contest. A Super Contest has a dancing round component. Plus, that article's picture of Lindsey Graham is where the render for his face comes from. It makes sense that something in The Wonderful 1237 would pay tribute to its origins.
As for Lindsey Graham, his whole existence as a Senator from South Carolina is doing everything John McCain does. John McCain and Lindsey Graham are best buddies, and do everything together in the Senate. (Well, to be fair, Lindsey Graham wasn't one of the people who voted against repealing ObamaCare.)

Play The Minigame Here!





After Lindsey Graham, there are only TWO more candidates left to write strategy guides for! If you would like to prompt Ludwig to trash Lindsey Graham in detail in the comments section, he will be very happy to do so. Now, go play the whole The Wonderful 1237 to play all of the minigames plus the main game!


The preceding strategy guide for this was for Bobby Jindal, who is an actually intelligent Republican.
A very non-cute Republican, Scott Walker, is the second-to-last guide.

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