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Monday, August 28, 2017

Smart Devs Don't Do Rabbids

By RAWKHAWK2010 - Down the Rabbid hole.

Fuck Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle, to be totally frank.

When leaks of a Mario/Rabbids crossover composed by Grant Kirkhope surfaced, Ludwig didn't believe it due to his tendency to label literally everything Fake News until absolutely proven real, while I was more on Team True News due to the concept sounding too weird to fabricate, much like when Trump had those Russian hookers piss in Barack and Michelle's embassy bed. (...You know, if that happened.)

Anyone who knows me knows I like weird, but anyone who knows me should also know I don't like ugly. A Rabbid is a hideous autismal cretin; an abortion that lived. A Rabbid is like if the most uncomforting animation from the Viva Piñata cartoon suddenly became happily conscious of its torment. A Rabbid is something I personally have no use for and never will.

Rabbid Rabbids Invasion Cartoon Nickelodeon Chicken Chick Baby Rawk
Get that thing away from me.

That said, I wasn't thinking about myself here. Two months ago we witnessed Mario + Rabbids actually becoming real at Ubisoft's E3 press conference, and while Ludwig hated what he saw just as he hated the idea of it existing in any form, I for a brief, brief moment was accepting of the crossover's novel weirdness and figured we should welcome every off-the-beaten-path path the oft-squandered-by-boredom Mario franchise could go down. Even if random caffeinated irreverence was all it had going for it, I thought with Mario it had its place.

...And theeeeen Super Mario Odyssey stole the show at the Nintendo Spotlight with its forever-famous 1-Up Girl trailer, which was 10x as weird and 100x as interesting. This lifted the veil on Mario + Rabbids and immediately refocused our blind eye back onto the damage that a Rabbid could cause in the long-term, but before we get too far into that, I should mention that it's not exactly easy to stay entirely un-invested in the wake of a Grant Kirkhopian Mario score. I thought Kirkhope's Yooka-Laylee music was mostly balls (not that I've played it since it's becoming clear that Playtonic Games has no idea how to develop for Nintendo systems period), but I figured it reasonable that if 90% of Grant's creative budget over the past few years was going into Rabbids and not Yooka, then that could explain a lot of what went wrong, and I was indeed impressed by some of the serene Viva Piñata-y pieces we heard in Rabbids gameplay videos at E3.

Of course, for every yin there's a dang, and a few weeks ago we got a listen at the score trying to be funny, in Rabbid dab selfie fashion:

As you can see, this Rabbid opera performance clearly had a budget...but that doesn't mean it's good. On one hand it insults Mario and his friends, but on the other it's barely audible and feels like half the lines finish earlier than they should because someone at Ubisoft couldn't come up with enough syllables before moving to the next. Is that funny? I don't think it's funny. Maybe it's funny. Maybe it's basically a worse Sloprano by The Great Mighty Poo.

Or maybe it's amazing (like literally everyone besides me says) and maybe everything about Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle has increasingly made its high-end production values apparent regardless of how it comes off to me personally. Based on that six-minute-long intro trailer me and Ludwig watched yesterday (since we're still not buying Kingdom Battle no matter what), I guess I'm not too inclined to disagree. It has talent. It has drive. Ain't no one at KoopaTV accusing Nintendo and Ubisoft of not putting together something that took effort (aside from possibly the 4/6 staffers who are never here), but the Rabbids are things that will use Nintendo and Ubisoft's immense production values and talents for entertainment as a way to make you overlook their glaring personal flaws, and a Rabbid is simply something money can't fix.

Creepy scary Rabbids staring at camera
What will these ghastly things use your money for? Because it's not self-help!

Kingdom Battle could get 10/10's across the board, but that will not outweigh the fact that a Rabbid never should have been created. Do you remember how the Rabbids started out? The Rabbids were first crafted as intimidating enemies for a new Rayman adventure before they found a way mid-development to turn it into a rambunctious mini-game circus shitball of their own devising. Rayman Raving Rabbids became Rayman Raving Rabbids, and it wouldn't be long before the "Rayman" was forced out of this new branding altogether.

Rayman isn't exactly a loser. Rayman had multiple 2D platformers come out in the past generation with aggregate review scores of 90 plus, yet the damned imbecilic Rabbids still manage to steal the show. This makes one wonder what they're capable of when exposed to franchises other than the one whose primordial ooze they spawned from. If they're incompatible with Rayman himself, who else are they not compatible with? The Koopalings for taking up too many roster spots in Mario + Rabbids: Kingdom Kart when Rabbids should be half the cast? Bowser for being the one behind plots instead of themselves? They're obviously incompatible with Donkey Kong since they think it's okay to steal his likeness without inviting him to the party.

Rabbid Kong ass butt wipe floss Princess Peach Mario Kingdom Battle
That thing is outright replacing one beloved Nintendo character while wiping its ass with another.

When you start thinking about things in the long-term, Mario + Rabbids isn't a breath of fresh air, it's a breath of pollution. It's a breath of toxic shortsighted crossover-first philosophies. Mario and Sonic at least had a multi-generational console war rivalry before they first met up, but in the case of the Rabbids, something is starting to crystallize... And that's Nintendo's increasing moral masturbation at doing random companies patronizing favors. (See: 
that SpongeBob vs. Patrick Splatfest that Nintendo thought was a good idea.)

The jubilant tears Ubisoft employees keep spilling (and telling us about) may give Kimishima life, but if Nintendo abandons its insular elitism in an attempt to stay well-networked, will the opportunity to associate with Nintendo even be worth crying over anymore?

Descent of the Modernists Rabbid Dry Bones Koopa Troopa Christianity Agnosticism Atheism God Religion
“Oh, shut up, silly Nintendo," said the Rabbid with a grin.
"You knew damn well I was an ACHE before you took me in."

This is why these Rabbids and their makers are as dangerous as they are desperate. Through shedding their Fake Tears they've got Nintendo right where they want them, and can now potentially do to Mario whatever they please, all under the cover of someone's newfound virtuism that for all we know has no bounds. We could see Rabbid Kong affirmative-action'd to a plane above that of Nintendo's own star characters, all in the name of what is right and just.

Well if you ask me I've had enough justice, and I say it's time to drag the Rabbids, Minions and Emojis back to hell where they belong.

The last thing we need is a Yoshi + Emojis game by Arzest, which Rawk can actually see happening. Will you be getting the game? If so...why? Do you agree with Rawk's take?

Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle was met with hatred on Day 1 of E3 2017.
Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle was met with disgust on Day 2 of E3 2017.
The Rabbids are destroying the Mushroom Kingdom with their bad culture.

1 comment :

  1. I am all too aware of what happens when two extremely different franchises team up to crossover. One of them gets completely overshadowed *glares at Kingdom Hearts*.


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