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Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Go 🌒 Yourself, Fake News!

By RAWKHAWK2010 - Get them Fake News lips off my eclipse.

Fake News says that President Donald John Trump stared at the sun Monday (at NASA's dehest) and destroyed his vision. Yeah, his vision may have been clouded...last week, but during the eclipse he knew exactly what he was doing. He was becoming as familiar with solar energy as possible so that he could have all the facts before solar panel-ing the Wall. How could he have fully embraced something he feared?

Donald Trump sun total solar eclipse eyes blind damage balcony Fake News Melania
something something the sun just got ten light years taller something something

The Alt-Left Destroy Trump Propaganda Media would tell you that Trump was looking at that sun all day. WRONG! He looked at it for as long as Hillary Rodham Clinton looked at the white working-class vote before ignoring it. He soon proceeded to put on those weird sold-out eclipse glasses just like everyone else. It's true, though, the yellow journalist in me couldn't help but wonder the ways in which Trump might've soaked up the spotlight before sundown. I was thinking about all the things that could've happened to Trump besides just going blind -- things a lot more exciting.

Donald Trump Kid Goku Dragon Ball DB DBZ full moon total solar eclipse Blutz Waves Oozaru Great Ape Saiyan SSJ4
"When something smells, it's usually the Blutz."

Similar to people turning into werewolves, Kid Goku looking at a full moon would turn him into an "Oozaru"/Great Ape. You couldn't do this without a tail, until Dragon Ball GT plot-forced a way for a now tail-less Vegeta to reattain the form. If one of Bulma's slapdash machines could lift a main requirement, then what about a TOTAL SOLAR ECLIPSE? How many Blutz Waves does THAT give off? Would Trump even have to be a Saiyan?! (Hey, just following GT's standards here.)

Yellow-haired and fire-spewing. Uncanny resemblance?

Donald Trump would love it. It's the power fantasy of a lifetime, being granted ~100 feet of tallness and the power to stomp on any congressman you want. (Watch out, Freedom Caucus!) His only competition would be if Carly Fiorina achieved her life goal of becoming a dragon, but only if she still embraced the resemblance after KoopaTV pointed it out.

This, by the way, is just as likely a scenario as Trump going blind. How likely was the former? I dunno, ask the Fake News. But in any case it's a lesson in that if Fake News is going to be Fake News, then they should take the opportunity to challenge themselves and be more creatively-stimulating. Fake Newsmen have a millions-plus brain-dead audience at their disposal, one with which they can do literally anything, yet it always rotates back around to Donald being a pedophile with fake hair. What spells s-q-a-n-d-e-r-e-d p-o-t-e-n-t-i-a-l if not that? And so WHAT if he has fake hair? Is being bald the worst thing you can be now? Because just wait until they say that to the wrong guy...

Trump, if not always the sharpest pickle in the basket, always shoots for the moon. Every time Fake News leaves Earth it's Trump that takes them with him, as opposed to them possessing sufficient grit to get anywhere on their own. No creative prowess, no character, just the rhizobia to Trump's legume. He's the only reason CNN isn't on their second week of 24/7 mudslide conspiracy analysis (we only needed a day for that) ala what they did with that damned airplane from 2014. He leads to fake newspeople getting married because of how much they bond over their mutual Trump hatred and/or his hatred for them.

It all makes you wonder where Fake News will land after he's gone, 'cuz it won't be among the stars.

This is the second eclipse article this week, with a third to come. Should we just rename it EclipseTV? Oh, and you should tweet at @BandaiNamcoUS and tell them to release a Switch version of Dragon Ball FighterZ. You should also tweet @realDonaldTrump and tell him to release a Switch version of Trump: The Game, because hey, is having more Switch games bad?

If you want to read real news about the eclipse, then click here for a guest blogger's account (from the path of totality) with real photographs!
Here is that third eclipse article of the week.
This isn't the only Dragon Ball article of the week!
This article is part of the solar eclipse 2017 series, meaning it has won the Best KoopaTV Article Series award of 2017!


  1. There was a lot of fake things surrounding the eclipse such as the counterfeit glasses being sold that cook your retina. That is why you should always carefully check your sources and go directly to the ones that have full knowledge of the subject, in this case being NASA. If one would have checked to see what glasses were compatible instead of buying just any pair, then they would not have had any problems.

  2. From what I understand glancing at the eclipse is not that much different than glancing at the sun on a normal day. It is just naturally your eyes would hurt with the full sun but during an eclipse the sun is darkened and the pupils do not dilate as fast and your eyes do not hurt as fast causing people to be able to stare at it longer. Also psychologically it is a rare occurrence so people would want to push themselves to look at the eclipse longer anyway and therefore risking blindness.

    1. What if it turns out one of our readers went mostly blind from this? What if they misread every word of every article and then decided they would give their thoughts anyway?


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